Quitting Your Job: Now That’s How It’s Done

JetBlue flight attendant quits by verbally assaulting the entire plane over the intercom, then grabs two beers and exits down the inflatable emergency slide:

http://blogs.wsj.com/metropolis/2010/08/09/fed-up-flight-attendant-pops-planes-emergency-chute-at-jfk-slides-away/

What a terrific mess. The cast, in order of importance:

1. Passenger – What kind of sociopath cracks somebody in the melon with their luggage, and instead of apologizing tells the guy to FUCK OFF?!? I’ll tell you what kind: the best fucking kind.

We need people like this working as foreign diplomats. “Oh, your pathetic country just got flooded back to the Stone Age because all of your buildings are made out of dried donkey poop and bendy straws? And after years of giving money and weapons to people that we are fighting in a war, now you want money and supplies from us? Let me put you on hold; I’ve got to slice this bread lengthwise before I can crap in it.”

2. Flight Attendant – Nothing more to say really. Just a world class “F You, I Quit” executed with style.

3. JetBlue – Nice job waiting 25 minutes to let anybody know what the hell was going on. It’s not like we’ve had any recent history with airline terrorism in this country, so feel free to finish that iced tea and spend a few minutes reflecting before calling the police.

I also like the statement “At no time was the security or safety of our customers or crewmembers at risk”….yet the guy is being charged with reckless endangerment.

4. Wall St Journal – Good lord, what a horribly written article. Sean Gardiner’s writing toolkit: one Speak ‘n Spell, a refrigerator magnet poetry starter kit, and a bottle of Jim Beam. Go ahead and count how many times some variation of “the official said” appears in that story.

Good call running that photo of an American Airlines plane to illustrate that JetBlue was the company involved in this incident. Anyone with two fingers and access to Google Images could’ve done better than that in about 12 seconds.

Let’s end this with another virtuoso quitting performance:

The Garrett Wolfe Dilemma

The Chicago Bears have an interesting dilemma heading into training camp: what to do with Garrett Wolfe?

http://espn.go.com/blog/chicago/bears/post/_/id/4665283/wolfes-new-role-hasnt-materialized-yet

Wolfe has not seen extended time in the backfield but has excelled as a member of the special teams punting unit. Now that the Bears have acquired Chester Taylor from Minnesota, they have a logjam at running back. Do they keep Wolfe on the roster for his special teams contributions? Do they keep Khalil Bell, who is likely a better running back than Wolfe?

Here’s an answer from outside the box: keep both. Cut punter Brad Maynard.

During training camp, bring in a retired Australian football player to teach Wolfe how to drop punt and torpedo punt while moving behind the line of scrimmage. The emphasis here would be on the ability to get punts away quickly and accurately, with less of a focus on distance.

Every punt situation becomes the special teams version of the Wildcat formation: Wolfe catches the snap and can…

• Punt directly
• Take a few quick steps in any direction to draw defenders in before drop punting
• Make a run for it
• Throw a short pass

By having Garrett Wolfe handle punting duties, the Bears would gain the following advantages:

1. Opposing teams would have to keep more players near the line of scrimmage to prevent Wolfe from scrambling for the first down. A quick, evasive running back has a much better chance of picking up a few yards over a comparatively slow and clumsy punter. This would translate to worse protection for the punt returner, possibly negating any lost punting distance.
2. 11 guys on the punt coverage team who have a legitimate chance at tackling the punt returner, instead of only 10.
3. Added roster depth at an important roster position that is prone to injury.
4. Organizational Huevos – instant credibility as a team not afraid to try something different. Remember when the Dolphins debuted the Wildcat formation in 2008 and stunned the Patriots 38-13? Being unpredictable counts for a lot in the NFL, at least in the short term.

I am admittedly something of a football idiot when it comes to the tactical X and O part of the game…can someone with more football knowledge explain why this wouldn’t work?

Brett Favre’s Tri-tirement

The annual Brett Favre retirement drama is literally the only recurring sports story that makes me long for the old newspaper days. Back then you only had to read about this once a day, and only if there was a significant development. But ESPN has nine channels of programming to fill 24/7, so any time anyone even remotely related to the story says or does anything we get 12 hours of reaction coverage, talking heads making empty points over archival footage of the same damn 10 plays from Favre’s career.

If you gave me a choice that I could either:

1. Eat a mouse and then shove a python up my ass, just to see what happens.
2. Watch Chris Mortensen speculate wildly about the length of Brett Favre’s grass clippings and how it relates to his retirement decision, while a heavily concussed Kordell Stewart stares off into the middle distance and Stu Scott checks out the new production intern on the sly with his lazy eye.

I would actually have to think about it and weigh both options.

(That being said, I would still take Favre on the Browns in a cocaine heartbeat. He has to be better than Jake Delhomme, who should play next season in sad mime makeup.)

Torn Meniscus Pie

Florida Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan tore a meniscus in his knee while attempting to smash a shaving cream pie into Wes Helms’ face during a postgame celebration.

Coghlan is the 2nd MLB player to suffer a serious injury during a postgame celebration this season; Kendry Morales broke his leg jumping on home plate after a walkoff home run at the end of May.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=5412671

First of all, why the hell is any team with a sub-.500 record that plays in front of 300 fans at home games celebrating anything at all?

Second, cream pies? What a stupid ritual. Last year someone tried to give Joe Thomas a surprise shaving cream pie to the face, and he performed the first spontaneous Face-Ass-Ectomy in medical history. Maybe they should smash each other in the face with vitamins or calcium pills instead, since these Nancies can’t even jump without shattering their knees and legs.

I miss the steroids era when guys had legs like tree trunks. Yeah, they had balls like raisins, but that wasn’t MY problem. Mark McGwire’s meniscus was strong enough to chew its own meals AND shit them out.

“[Manager Edwin] Rodriguez said the team addressed excessive celebrating and there will not be any more shaving-cream pie rituals.” That had to be the most exasperating locker room speech ever. I would’ve made it about halfway through before I just ripped my own head off and threw it at someone.

If someone blew out their knee trying to smash a shaving cream pie in my face I would absolutely squat down and fart in their mouth as they writhed on the ground in pain. Hopefully one of those short but powerful blast farts that billow your boxers like a flag in a 70 mph breeze. I bet that would taste like shame.

David Kahn – now serving breakfast!

Minnesota GM David Kahn spends five minutes with Chris Webber trying to explain how he is changing the Timberwolves for the better by serving breakfast (seriously), trading away Al Jefferson, and signing Darko Milicic to a long-term deal.

http://www.nba.com/video/channels/nba_tv/2010/07/14/kahn_intv.nba/index.html

(There’s no reason to watch because it’s just NBA summer league footage – just listen to the audio)

The amount of basketball stupid demonstrated here is so thick you could drizzle it over pancakes. You could almost freeze that much stupid into bricks and build your own stupid igloo.

Right around the midpoint of this clip, Kahn compares Darko’s career to Chris Webber’s career once he joined the Sacramento Kings. Two hilarious things about this:

1. It’s a complete whiff; C Webb was a 20-10 stud for at least three seasons before that trade.
2. C Webb is immediately and obviously pissed off by this comparison.

Just drink in the awkward tension from about 3:30 forward, culminating in Webber dropping a “Good Luck” in the last 20 seconds that will certainly be in consideration for the 2010 Outstanding Achievement in Broadcasting Sarcasm award that I wish existed. Webber seriously could have stood up and farted in Kahn’s face and it would’ve been about the same statement.

KFC Hates You

Masochists and fat fetishists rejoice: KFC is introducing a new sandwich — the “Double Down” – which is bacon, cheese and mayonnaise in between two fried chicken patties instead of bread.

http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/kfcs-double-down-ups-ante-on-food-porn/19433996

Honestly, why didn’t KFC just call it the “FUCK YOU AMERICA” sandwich and put two middle fingers on the box? The only thing in that picture that even remotely looks like it might have come from somewhere in nature is the cardboard sleeve.

Did KFC’s corporate chef just start randomly feeding farm animals into a giant meat grinder until this sandwich came out the other side? We’ve got pig, cow, and chicken represented here (2x for chicken if you count the eggs in the mayonnaise). You could drive a monster truck through a zoo firing SAW guns out the sides and do less damage to the animal kingdom.

If enough people start eating things like this, we can get rid of toilets entirely because nobody will ever make it to the bathroom before their colon just gives up and locks in the “open shutter” position. Sales of adult diapers and Preparation H pads will explode.

I love how schizophrenic KFC’s menu is. Hey lets slim down our mascot, drop “Fried” from our name, and offer grilled chicken…while we continue to sell Famous Bowls and add the Double Down sandwich.

Definitive commentary on KFC Famous Bowls courtesy of Patton Oswalt

It’s like KFC is daring you to try and figure out what the hell they are doing. And it’s hard to think when you’re laboring to breathe after taking five steps or saying a long word, and your man-tits are heaving and you can hear your heart straining to push all that fat through those tiny arteries.

I actually feel sick just thinking about this sandwich while writing about it. Eating that dumpster fire should be on the final exam for Green Berets – if you survive that, combat should be a breeze.

The Return of Farnsworth

From the Kansas City Royals’ spring training camp – Gil Meche is dissolving faster than the guy who opened the Ark in that Indiana Jones movie. After his last start, his cock fell off in the shower. Frankly, the Royals are partially to blame here – they never should’ve let him use that radioactive pen to sign his $55 million contract.

(No, really. Gil Meche makes $55 million. Look it up.)

Anyway, because the Royals are a depressing Cirque du Malaise of washed-up has-beens, Japanese league drop outs, no curveball hitting Pedro Cerranos and California Penal League MVP’s they don’t have a lot of appealing options to fill Meche’s spot in the rotation.

So they are turning to… Kyle Farnsworth!

http://www.kansascity.com/2010/03/26/1838549/royals-set-contingency-plans-in.html

This is great news for fans of random sports violence because Kyle Farnsworth is a C- pitcher but he is an A+ basebrawler. This guy goes from 0 to 60 faster than a Ferrari 458 Italia. When it’s go time he doesn’t even waste time with punches – he just throws himself at people like an angry goateed missile.

The Royals have inadvertently provided the casual baseball fan with a great reason to watch every fifth Royals game for the first month of the season. If Farnsworth gets squeezed, will he kamikaze the home plate umpire and Krav Maga the guy’s crotch into oatmeal? Instead of pick off throws to first will he just run over and try to beat the baserunner to death with a sharpened cleat? Will he give the batboy a concrete toothbrush on the dugout steps after a bad outing?

Nothing is out of reach anymore.

The 2010 KC Royals – at least it won’t be boring!

Lake Erie is on Fire Again

Literally hours after cutting Derek Anderson, the Browns are now shopping Brady Quinn.

You want Brady Quinn? Fuck it, he’s all yours. He comes with a pallet of Myoplex, a sun bleached whore girlfriend, and a raft of Notre Dame apologists.

I’m tired of the player carousel through Cleveland. I’m tired of jackasses (Winslow, Hillbilly Anderson and his moonshine jug, Cocaine Jamal Lewis, etc) playing poorly and blaming everyone except themselves. I’m tired of watching boneheaded play calling executed by CFL-caliber players. I’m tired of locker room fights, $1700 hotel water bottle fines, Adrian Peterson stiff-arming CB’s into next week, ESPN’s genuine surprise when the Browns actually win a game. I’m tired of being told how lousy Browns fans are; like most NFL fan bases, we have a vocal minority making the whole group look bad.

I’m dreading the draft because the Browns have 11 draft picks and if history tells us anything they will fuck up 10 of them. I’m dreading Seneca Wallace sucking horribly next season while Josh Cribbs takes 197 fair catches because he got his big contract and doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m dreading Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn getting a shot in Seattle, Arizona, Buffalo or Carolina and having a really good season. I’m dreading another season of defense that consistently and thoroughly shits the bed at every critical moment. Kickers who can’t kick, punters who can’t punt, coaches who can’t coach.

I’m getting to the point of just becoming a generic NFL fan and rooting for my gambling interest and/or fantasy football interests.

Those Derek Anderson quotes really pissed in my Cheerios this morning, I have been in a horrible God damn mood all day. Fuck all of these overpaid entitled pricks playing a child’s game for a living and whining like pussies when their magical fairy tale world doesn’t turn out just perfectly while I bust my hump in Asshole, Wisconsin then drive my shitty Hyundai home at night and masturbate dreaming about the pussy that these guys throw away because it’s not tight enough (or in Big Ben’s case, he rapes it ’till it can’t move). People getting paid $1 million a year to carry a clipboard and watch football games for four months a year should wake up every morning and give God a thank you blowjob that they don’t have to put up with all the day-to-day bullshit that the rest of us have to deal with. Boo hoo, people cheered when my knee broke, GET FUCKED YOU SPOILED BRAT.

To quote Brady Quinn’s Myoplex commercial, “Now I’m done”.

To the Moose from Scappoose

In response to the following quote from Derek Anderson after being released by the Browns on March 9th:

“The fans are ruthless and don’t deserve a winner. I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn’t great. I hope and pray I’m playing when my team comes to town and [we] roll them.”

To the Moose from Scappoose,

To a quarterback who played great when absolutely nothing was expected of him and crumbled like a Catholic priest in the boys locker room when games actually mattered. To the man who lost training camp battles to Charlie “The Frye Cook” Frye and Mary Myoplex Milkshake. To the man who gave us the “2 for 17” game and a 42.1 QB rating for the 2009 season.

Crawl back to the hillbilly stinkwater town that spawned you and resume fucking your sister in the kiddie pool on your front lawn in the shadow of your cinder-blocked 1986 Camaro. They always need shelf stockers at Wal-Mart who can reach the high shelves so that 6’6” frame won’t be a total waste.

Oh, your feelings were hurt because the fans cheered when you got injured? Those Browns fans weren’t cheering the fact that you got injured; they were cheering the fact that the coaches finally had an excuse to bench your sorry ass.

You don’t have to like football fans but you do have to kiss their ass even if they don’t deserve it because they pay your salary and determine your commercial viability for endorsement contracts. Those of us who work in real 8-5 jobs already know that we can’t blow up the guy who signs our checks, just like we know that only a backwater moosefucker such as yourself burns bridges with former employers.

I really hope you catch on somewhere else just so we can see you fail again and completely vindicate the Walrus for cutting you. If that doesn’t happen, the CFL is always looking for QB’s who lock onto one receiver, wait three seconds too long, then throw into triple coverage. They love those fuckin’ guys up there like poutine and greasy meats.

Quote from Phil Savage in Dec 27, 2007 ESPN article:

“The tighter the game gets, the looser he is. That’s a great quality to have.”

Holy crap does that quote speak volumes about both men in hindsight. Here’s a hint, Phil: he’s always loose because he’s too stupid to know what is going on around him. You think it’s a great quality because you have no idea what a great quality in a football player is. Fuck you both with a jab saw.

Cheers,

~CF

The IOC has its priorities straight

The IOC has their panties wadded up because the Canadian women’s hockey team celebrated winning the gold medal by smoking cigars and drinking beer on the ice, after fans had left the arena.

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/vancouver/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/IOC-to-investigate-Canadian-women-s-hockey-team-?urn=oly,224338

Two words for the IOC: shut the fuck up.

Good to know that the IOC is more concerned about people having a private celebration in an empty arena than they are about the giant tube of ice that has turns where the lugers fly off at 85 mph and smash face-first into steel girders.

Good thing this is a bigger priority than steroids and blood doping; some of the “women” in these games have upside-down space shuttles in their fucking spandex for Christ sakes.

Good thing this is a bigger deal than judges rigging subjective events like figure skating so the “favorites” (handjob givers?) do better regardless of whether their performance is any good or not. That’s not a sport, it’s fucking kabuki theater with hissy fits and male leg shaving.

Gilbert Felli sounds like the kind of guy whose burps sound suspiciously like queefs because he is a blubbering gash who has to put a tampon in his mouth five days a month.

I actually hope the IOC tries to sanction the Canadians for this; let’s see if these pudding-dicked bureaucrats can get to the airport alive after pissing off an entire country of the most passionate hockey fans on Earth. The Gilbert Felli 1000 meter dash through Vancouver International Airport while Bob Probert tries to scalp him with a hockey skate…now THERE’S a winter Olympic event worth watching.