I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the most annoying and intrusive evolution in advertising since the Internet pop-up ad: gas pump screamers.
You’ve probably been assaulted by one of these things by now. You pull up to the pump, set everything up, and as soon as the gas starts pumping a small electronic box mounted to the side of the pump starts shouting at you about cheap hot dogs or cigarettes or something.
HEY ARE YOU HUNGRY? UNDERCOOKED HOT DOGS ARE ON SALE INSIDE, GET ONE WITH A WATERED DOWN DIET COKE FOR 15 CENTS OFF! YEAH I SAID DIET COKE, FRANKLY YOU LOOK A LITTLE FAT TO ME. BUY SOME FUCKING SMOKES WHILE YOU’RE IN THERE TOO. YOU COULD SHOVE THE WHOLE PACK DIRECTLY UP YOUR ASS AND THEY STILL WOULDN’T BE ANY WORSE FOR YOU THAN THE HOT DOG.
These gas pump screamers commit the following transgressions against decency:
- Nobody likes being shouted at by anything, let alone a commercial for gas station food. I would rather let Rosie O’Donnell paint a picture of her last yeast infection on my chest using mayonnaise than hear about your fucking sale on pork rinds when I’m freezing my sack off trying to fuel up my crappy Korean SUV.
- If you’re not expecting a sudden loud noise 8″ from your ear while you’re standing on a sheet of ice…enjoy your rapid descent to the pavement, and be sure to thank the gas station manager by breaking his nose with the brand new cast on your shattered wrist. Bonus points if you are overweight, because now you are three months closer to that heart attack you’ve been working towards.
- For some reason they are insanely hard to shut off. It always takes at least five seconds to figure out which button shuts the thing off, because instead of labeling it “OFF” they usually have like the Egyptian hieroglyph for deafness on there. So you have to stand there mashing all the buttons and muttering to yourself like “Why won’t this God damn thing shut off?!? I already pressed the Fish Eye button AND the Sun/Moon button! Damn it!”
- Even if you accidentally manage to decode which button is the “OFF” button you have to press the thing hard enough to crack the plastic shell to shut it off.
- There is no way to avoid these things, because you HAVE to walk past them to pump your gas. Even if you move like a ninja and shut the thing off in two seconds, you still have to go through the extra effort to avoid being screamed at by a robot.
- There is nobody you can yell at, because gas station clerks have already given up on life and don’t really give a flat French fuck if you were inconvenienced or upset by something.
The only way anyone could possibly justify these things is if the advertising revenue was offsetting the cost of my gas…you know what, I’m not even going to waste my time finishing that thought. It would never happen.
Fuck you, inventor of the gas pump screamer. I hope your wife is screwing your neighbor, your priest is screwing your son, and your dog is screwing your cat. I hope somebody sneaks up behind you and shouts about frozen pizzas being on sale, and you fall and break your hip. Dickhead.
