The Chicago Cubs have signed Milton Bradley to a three year, $30 million contract.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/chi-06-cubs-bradley-chicagojan06,0,179702.story
This was not an important signing because of Bradley’s talent. He is 30 years old, injury prone, clearly hit a lot better at home last year than on the road, etc.
This was an important signing for a less tangible reason: Milton Bradley is completely batshit insane. We’re talking about Brad Pitt in “12 Monkeys” crazy here.
Win or lose, at least the 2009 Chicago Cubs will not go quietly into that gentle night because Milton Bradley does not go anywhere quietly or gently. Signing a player like Milton Bradley to play for Lou Piniella’s Chicago Cubs is like filling your fire extinguishers with kerosene. There is NO WAY the Cubs escape the 2009 season without someone getting shot, stabbed, or severely beaten in their clubhouse.
Here is my estimated timeline of Milton Bradley incidents in the 2009 season:
- March 2: After an early spring training game Bradley discovers a parking ticket on his car, spends the next 15 days sobbing uncontrollably in the fetal position.
- April 11: The Great Gazoo whispers in Bradley’s ear that he needs to sucker punch the Brewers’ bat boy. Hilarity ensues.
- May 12: Bradley runs out to right field with no pants on, “KISS MY A$$ KEVIN TOWERS” painted across his butt cheeks.
- June 17: In the Windy City Classic, Bradley hits a gapper and runs the bases shooting at White Sox infielders with a handgun like the running back in “The Last Boy Scout”.
- July 14: Bradley crashes the All Star game in Fan Man’s parachute, shits on Ichiro through the fan.
- Aug 28: Bradley and Elijah Dukes re-enact the Jets-Sharks knife fight from “West Side Story” completely by accident while actually trying to knife each other to death.
- Sept 19: Bradley blows out his ACL delivering an atomic leg drop to a nun wearing a St Louis Cardinals hat.
Buckle up motherfuckers, the MB era is gonna be a wild ride!
