Run for the Border

For those who haven’t been to Taco Bell recently…well, congratulations because you will probably live about 10 years longer than the rest of us.

Anyway, Taco Bell prints these clever little sayings on their sauce packets. Some are witty, some are random, some are even hilarious double entendres if you have a dirty enough mind (ie – “Save a bun. Eat a taco”). These amusing sauce packets gave me something to toss about idly in my mind as I was driving back to my office from lunch.

My vacant musings soon turned to abject horror, however, when the demon spawn of my Taco Bell lunch began clawing its way through my lower intestine at frightening speeds. Panic stricken, I managed to steer my chariot into a McDonald’s and proceeded to unleash a rectal holocaust on their McPlumbing. The first wave of this shit was actually the size and shape of a church bell, and it made the Taco Bell “BWONG” sound on its way out. The following waves sounded like someone dumping pea gravel into a fish tank. My ass screeched like worn brake pads the entire time. When I was done I had to wipe with ice because the toilet paper kept bursting into flames. (I think you get the picture)

To honor this scarring incident I’ve decided that Taco Bell needs some more truth in advertising in their sauce packet slogans.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t make any fucking plans for the next 2 hours.
• Enjoy your food. You won’t have it for long.
• Are you wearing a diaper? Maybe you should be.
• Ever wondered how the opening of a volcano feels?
• You must really hate yourself.
• Caution: explosive diarrhea can cause dehydration!
• Ever see any Mexicans eating here? Ever wonder why not?
• Whatever happens, DO NOT fucking sneeze.

Thanks Taco Bell! And don’t worry, I’m sure those last five feet of my lower intestine will grow back eventually.