The other night I was flipping channels while waiting for Robot Chicken to start, and without warning I stumbled into the decay of Western society: TMZ TV.
Accidentally flipping in to TMZ TV is like walking into a room five seconds behind someone who has just unleashed a legendary fart. The kind of fart where it not only makes your eyes water, it actually triggers your gag reflex. The kind of fart that stays in your mental encyclopedia of smells forever, right in between “dead mouse” and “sulfur mine”. It’s like that, only instead of just your nose it’s all over your brain.
The premise of this show is that it’s a “behind the scenes” look at how a bunch of people who write for a celebrity watching website do their job. They also employ camera men who chase celebrities all over the place taking pictures of them arguing with their maid or wiping coke residue off their upper lip, etc.
It doesn’t matter if you hate any of these celebrities or not – you will instantly hate everyone involved with TMZ a lot more. These jaded acne-scarred MTV-jects, these slithering douche bags, who only have jobs to begin with because of celebrities, spend all their time sitting around sniping and crotching about famous people. 14 seconds of this show will expose you to more asshole than 30 years of being a proctologist. Wave after wave of asshole washes over you as you watch, like the heat blast that comes from an oven set to 450 degrees when you open the door.
But wait, that’s just the office people. Wait until you get a retina full of the photographers. How would you react if some unshaven Eurotrash yelled something insulting at you and then shoved a camera in your face and blinded you repeatedly with a flash while he stands in front of your car so you can’t drive without running over his foot?
And that’s when it occurred to me: Why not do that very thing back to these guys, and make your own TV show about it?
Here’s the pitch for “Pop the Paparazzi”: Hire 30 photographers to follow one paparazzi guy around for a week, 24 hours a day. If that guy double parks I want cameras shoved in his face and insults about his driving ability lobbed until throats are sore. Get in his way, shove people around, blind him with the flash, stand in front of his car, etc. If he snaps and starts swinging, well that’s just gold baby.
The best part is, in addition to being annoyed out of his mind he wouldn’t even be able to do his job because there would be this clusterfuck mobbing him while he’s trying to mob someone else! Multiple layers of paparazzi clusterfuckery; such a beautiful thought it nearly brings a tear to my eye.
I bet we could talk Ashton Kutcher into financing this…anyone have his number?
