Problem: Somali pirates board the US-flagged cargo ship Maersk Alabama and take the captain hostage.
Solution: The US sends a team of Navy SEAL snipers in by parachute (in case of a water landing, their giant testicles can be used as flotation devices) who set up shop and wait for a clear shot. When the pirates finally slip up and give the SEALs their opening…I think MSNBC summed up what happened next pretty well:
In an interview with NBC’s TODAY show, Gortney said it took only three shots to kill the three pirates.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30178013/
As soon as that sentence escaped Gortney’s lips it was immediately engraved in stone and mailed to the Awesomest Sentences Ever Spoken Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
Predictably enough, the pirates are now threatening revenge:
“In the future, America will be the one mourning and crying,” Abdullahi Lami, one of the pirates holding a Greek ship anchored in the Somali town of Gaan, told The Associated Press on Monday. “We will retaliate (for) the killings of our men.”
That seems like an excellent plan, Abdullahi. Why wouldn’t you pick a fight with snipers who could shoot the tip off your dick from 1,000 yards away on choppy seas? Unless these pirates evolve the ability to remove their heads and hide them in bulletproof suitcases, I predict this will end with a lot more well ventilated pirates.
The section below is an excerpt from the Navy SEAL creed*. As you’re reading it, try to imagine that you’ve just vowed revenge against the organization that operates under this creed.
My nation expects me to be physically harder and mentally stronger than my enemies. If knocked down, I will get back up, every time. I will draw on every remaining ounce of strength to protect my teammates and to accomplish our mission. I am never out of the fight.
Pick a fight with the United States of Awesome? No problem, we’ll just toss about a dozen of these unstoppable killing machines over the fence into your backyard. Good luck, Abdullahi!
You’re gonna fucking need it.
* Excerpt courtesy of Bob Greene, CNN.com
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/13/greene.seals/index.html
