* Thanks again, NFL Network and Time Warner, for depriving me of the chance to see maybe the only Browns game worth watching this year. Nice to know that the ongoing pissing match over who gets to steal more from my wallet couldn’t be resolved amicably. We need The American Jesus to host another beer [...]
Archive for the ‘2009’ Category
Cleveland 13, Pittsburgh 6
Posted in 2009, tagged Cleveland Browns, NFL on December 11, 2009 | 1 Comment »
Vending Machine Madness
Posted in 2009, tagged unprovoked rage on November 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
To the guy who was in front of me at the vending machine today: How in the hell did you get all the way to the vending machine without knowing what you intended to purchase? What were you so busy thinking about on the way from your desk to the break room that distracted you [...]
I Think Adrian Peterson Just Killed That Guy
Posted in 2009, tagged NFL on October 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
From last week’s game: Adrian Peterson catches a short pass and has just enough time to turn up field and trample Pittsburgh safety William Gay like a rampaging elephant running over a helpless zookeeper. The only way AP could have made that domination more complete is if they stopped the game so he could pull [...]
A Bold Five Point Plan to Fix the Cleveland Browns Offense
Posted in 2009, tagged Cleveland Browns, crazy ideas, NFL on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
1. Josh Cribbs is now the starting quarterback, and the new offense is 100% from the Wildcat formation. Throw out the entire playbook and start over with everything based out of this formation. 1B.Promote Jerome Harrison to starting tailback, as Jamal Lewis would be useless in the Wildcat. 1C. Trade Derek Anderson for whatever value [...]
Braylon Edwards: broken soap dispenser
Posted in 2009, tagged Cleveland Browns, NFL, rage on October 15, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
Have you ever gone into a public restroom to wash your hands and they have those hands-free soap dispensers? It’s got a motion sensor that will dispense soap when your hands move under the tap, so they don’t end up with a soap dispenser coated in other people’s poop-loaf germs. Ever tried to use one [...]
Careful Braylon, Don’t Mess Up Your Manicure
Posted in 2009, tagged Cleveland Browns, failure, Joe Thomas, Mangini, NFL, Ray Lewis on October 5, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
Braylon Edwards got into an argument, punched the owner of a Cleveland nightclub in the wee hours following Epic Failure Vol. IV of the 2009 Browns season. http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2009/10/a_cleveland_man_accuses_browns.html First of all, the guy that got jacked went to the hospital with a black eye, a cut, and…a headache? If you are a professional football player [...]
Coye Francies has the right idea
Posted in 2009, tagged Cleveland Browns, ESPN, fighting, NFL on September 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
From ESPN.com today: Browns rookie CB Coye Francies was pranked by some of the veterans in the secondary, and basically lost his shit and started throwing ice, punches, and possibly punch-flavored Icee’s all over the place. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4504153 First of all, whenever you see stories like this about your favorite team your first phone call should [...]
How to Make Money Betting on the NFL
Posted in 2009, tagged Cleveland Browns, NFL on September 22, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
1. Get your hands on a copy of the NFL schedule 2. Look to see who the Browns are playing this week 3. Dump a big pile of money on whoever the Browns are playing to win 4. Roll around naked in your winnings like Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal” (optional) But Dr Friction, you [...]
Thoughts from NFL week 1
Posted in 2009, tagged Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns, Green Bay Packers, NFL on September 14, 2009 | 1 Comment »
I spent enough time on the couch this weekend that my ass groove is really rounding into mid-season form. A few observations from the Sunday games: * The announcers on the Browns-Vikings game were shameless Brett Favre cheerleaders. I’ve seen pornos with less deep-throating than what we had to listen to during the first 15 [...]
Tylenol Cold & Flu
Posted in 2009 on September 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
During the lunch hour today I went to Target to pick up a few things. (55 gallon drum of AstroGlide, a complete armada of air mattresses, enough whiskey for an Irish wake, giant tarp, a few dozen ShamWows…you know, typical errand stuff.) When it comes time to check out, being the impatient person I am [...]
