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Archive for August, 2008

SportsCenter / Favre

Things I learned from 20 minutes of “SportsCenter” this morning:

1. Brett Favre is going to the Buccaneers. Or the Jets. Or nowhere. But he will be reporting to camp on Tuesday. Or on Wednesday. Or maybe not either of those days. The Packers will not get a 1st round pick for Favre in a trade, unless they do.

2. The Yankees and the Red Sox are more important than the other MLB teams. And when they play each other, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. (Exceptions – Brett Favre, A-Rod and whoever’s grandma he is fucking this week)

3. Eric Young sounds like someone is pinching his balls, all the time. If he took a helium whippet would his voice actually get lower? Did I just blow your FUCKING MIND?!?

4. Apparently ESPN anchors still do that thing where they try to come up with clever sayings, but they are completely out of ideas so they just shout random shit over the highlights. It’s like the ADD inside my head has somehow externalized itself into the sports journalism that I watch.

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Two other things about Brett Favre that I didn’t hear on ESPN, possibly because they would make the NFL look bad:

A. Doesn’t it make more sense for the Packers to wait on trading Favre until the season starts, then deal him to a team that is contending but loses their starting QB to injury? This happens every year, except it’s usually some half-baked pile of garbage who gets dragged out of retirement. [Testaverde, Vinny]

B. If Goodell forces the Packers to “resolve” the Favre situation quickly by trading him for 85% value, isn’t that blatantly unfair to the Packers? Wouldn’t Favre’s stock go up as the season gets closer, as outlined in point A above?

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From Scott Adams’ Dilbert.com blog:

“When it comes to picking our next president, I can’t decide if I prefer the smooth-talking, inspirational candidate who promises to give my money to people who don’t work as hard as I do, or the old, short, ugly, angry guy with one good arm who graduated at the bottom of his class and somehow managed to shag a hot heiress and become a contender for president. It seems dangerous to underestimate that guy.”

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http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3461058

Moneyshot quote from Chacon:

“When…you’re yelling at somebody and you’re cussing you better know what type of person you’re dealing with.”

Yeah, Ed Wade should’ve known he was dealing with a mediocre pitcher with no brains and a HUGE ‘roid rage problem I guess!

The Astros are discussing Chacon trades with the following teams:

1. Revjavik Ice Cocks

2. Sarajevo Bombshells

3. Fire Island Cockpumpers

4. Tehran Sharias

5. South Beach Old Man Taints

6. Rockford Peaches (“Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan”)

7. 1962 New York Mets

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KG lost his f***ing mind last night

Did anyone else see Kevin Garnett completely lose his shit last night after the Celtics closed out the championship? Here is a transcript of his post-game interview:

Dumb chick: You’re an NBA champion; how does it feel?

KG: My people in ‘Sota, ALKTHSDFAOI*&%^HTA, HA HA HA HA, legacy, certified AHLSGFERAIOTHG skullfuckdog OGIHATWEGDBV%^#*#* AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dumb chick: [terrified to do anything, hoping that KG’s vision is based on movement]

KG: [bawling like a mental patient on meatloaf night] WHOOOOOOOOO &*($%AFISUGFABS&^R%$^$ Imgonnakillyou *@#^*%VFAVFAU&WT&*%Q^WD* I got my own!!!!!!!!!!

[KG wanders away to find a drifter to dismember while reporter chick tries to piece together WTF just happened]

Bless you, DVR box. I watched that about 9 times in a row and laughed my ass off every time.

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I got a shiny gold Sacajewea dollar for the first person to kick Jeff Bennett in the ass with golf cleats. I want to see Jeff Bennett kicked so hard in the ass, that whoever pulls your foot out gets to be King of England.

Watching the game last night, before Soriano got hit I remember thinking “This guy’s pitches are about as accurate as a firehose that’s gotten away from the firemen.” It was 0% surprising to see someone get injured by that Double-A hack.

Now, 6 weeks of Micah Hoffpauir (no charge for the extra vowels) in left field. Even though it would make 1,000% more sense to just break up the Edmonds/Reed Johnson CF rotation and just put Reed Johnson in left, we know Lou won’t do that because he’s got an old-man Viagra chubby for this Hoffpauaeiouandsometimesy kid.

In fact, fuck everything that happened at Wrigley last night except Fukudome, Dempster, and Erin Andrews.

Fuck you, fairweather fans with brand new Fukudome jerseys waving “It’s Gonna Happen” signs. The only thing that’s gonna happen is me farting on your nachos.

Fuck you, Taco Bell. Two white jackasses rapping at the drive-thru is the worst commercial in 25 years. Every time it comes on I want to drop a plugged-in toaster in your CEO’s bathtub.

And a double-fisted Stan Smith style fuck you to Rick Sutcliffe for making my skin crawl every time he leered at Erin Andrews last night. We get it, she’s hot. Keep it in your pants beard-o.

Corey Patterson’s younger brother, replacing Alfonso Soriano in left field.

If I throw up a lung I hope someone in this office knows how to fix that.

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James Shields’ recent beaning of Coco Crisp (totally justified by the way – Crisp’s takeout slide the night before was total BS) reminded me of something that has bothered me since I used to pitch:

Why do pitchers just stand there and wait when they see someone charge the mound?

I never had a hitter charge the mound against me, but I always had a plan in case it ever happened. This was my plan:

1) Close the distance by running towards home plate. This negates the advantage of momentum in case the guy was going to tackle me, and it gets my catcher involved a lot quicker.

2a) If the guy was smaller than me, throw everything I had into a haymaker left hook and hope like hell that it connected, or at least forced the guy into a defensive position.

2b) If the guy was bigger/stronger than me, lower my shoulder into his chest, ideally sinking an elbow into his solar plexus to knock the wind out of him. Try to shoulder-check him to the ground, where size advantages are negated.

3) Hope that the catcher or first baseman show up quickly. In my mind I like to think that I could fuck somebody up like King Leonidas from 300, but in reality I would probably be in deep trouble in a fight that lasted more than 2-3 punches.

Is there some tactical flaw that I missed? It always seemed foolish to just stand there and wait to get punched in the face.

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1. The oldest of these three girls is 22, yet they started doing this SIX YEARS AGO…which means they were 14, 15, and 16 when they started! Yikes. There’s a Mark Chmura joke in there somewhere…

2. All three are studying business or marketing, which is excellent because they clearly understand the golden rule of marketing: hot young vagina sells.

3. “They’re just having fun”, their father said. “It’s kind of a tradition”. Then he went home, sat down at his kitchen table, calmly loaded his hunting rfile, and PAINTED THE FUCKING KITCHEN WALLS WITH HIS BRAINS. That guy has to be approaching “Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison” territory by now, keeping a list of people to kill and painting himself with lipstick.

4. Inside Edition only pays $250 for an interview? Was anyone else under the impression that it would be worth a LOT more than that?

5. If they sell those bikini tops in the Packers pro shop, you will see women wearing those next season that have no business wearing anything more revealing than a judicial robe. Selling these to the general population of Wisconsin women is NOT a good idea.

6. Check out the guy in the picture, who just had to pop his head through there and give the “thumbs-up” sign. Hey, thumbs-up guy: I don’t need your help to understand that what I’m seeing is good. Take your half-moon hairline back to your seat & let us enjoy the view without your mangled grill poking through the middle. Dumbass.

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