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Archive for September, 2008

Lane Kiffin is sarcastic

From CBS’ late game on Sunday: With the Raiders ahead of San Diego 15-0 just before halftime, Lane Kiffin let the clock run down to one second & called a timeout. Then he sent Sebastian Janikowski out to kick a field goal.

Here’s the wrinkle: the Raiders were on their OWN 42 YARD LINE.

Kiffin sent Janikowski into the game…TO KICK A 76 YARD FIELD GOAL.

Here’s the video:

We might never see anything like this again. Basically, we have an NFL coach who is TRYING to get fired, and he is clearly fucking around just to be an extra huge dick to Al Davis. Kicking an impossible field goal for no reason when you’re ahead by more than 2 TD going into halftime is the most sarcastic thing I’ve ever seen a head coach do.

Here are some other suggestions for Lane Kiffin:

* Pay the landscapers to burn “FUCK YOU SKELETOR” in 80 foot high letters into the field. Good luck blurring that out CBS!
* Take his dog to Lyle Alzedo’s grave. Let dog poop on grave. Videotape it & then show video on JumboTron.
* Drag Raiders’ 3 Super Bowl trophies behind his car while doing donuts in the parking lot, yelling insults at Davis through a megaphone.
* Instead of using the radio, send plays into JaMarcus Russell with a huge teleprompter which is clearly visible to opposing sideline.
* Conduct all postgame interviews by doing best Al Davis impersonation. End every sentence with “Just win baby”.
* Shit on the coats.

Hats off to you Lane Kiffin, you sarcastic bastard.

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“Maybe it is psychological; we just feel comfortable playing here in Cleveland.” — Hines Ward

“I think I might shit blood after this game.” — Cognitive Friction, at halftime last night

* The Browns currently lead the NFL with a “celebrations to actual good plays” ratio of 473:1. Nobody makes a defensive stop seem like DOWNTOWN FUCKING MARDI GRAS quite like those Browns! Hey, we can’t score and we can’t stop the other team from scoring…let’s dance! Jazz hands everybody!

* Anyone else get the impression that Romeo Crennel would lose a game of checkers to a 6 year old? Nice decision to skip the field goal at the end of the first half there Fat Albert. We still get 3 points if Derek Anderson throws a horrible INT, right? No? Well then I guess that WAS A REALLY FUCKING STUPID DECISION AFTER ALL.

* Browns are down 10-3 with just under 4 minutes in the game. Crennel makes an incredibly brainless decision to kick a field goal (oh I know, I was shocked too)…and Al Michaels/John Madden defend the decision! How the fuck does being down 10-6 with 3:30 left and a dogshit defense do any good?!? What the FUCK?!?

* Memo to Soldier Winslow: when you see that guy from the other team running at you, GET IN HIS WAY. Don’t slap him with your limp wrists…don’t fake block and then roll into the flat…ACTUALLY FUCKING BLOCK HIM. You are a hell of a good pass catcher but as long as you are playing tight end, you have to block.

* The entire Browns secondary looks like that old electric football game where you spend 20 minutes setting every player up for one play, and then you plug it in and half the players just fall over, and a couple run into each other, and some just go in circles. Somebody needs to fire the hell out of their secondary coach, if they even have one.

* Derek Anderson looks like wet shit in a rainstorm, but its hardly his fault. His best targets are a stud WR who has dropped 974 passes already this year…a no blocking, shit talking TE…and a collection of broken-down Yugos that couldn’t make anyone else’s roster. Plus it doesn’t help that Jamal Lewis…

* …wait, this needs its own bullet point. Jamal Lewis looks completely fucking washed up. He’s doing that dancing, hesitating crap that washed up running backs do instead of taking one step and going balls-out into the hole. Even Joe Thomas, lord among men, cannot keep the hole open long enough for Cokehead Jamal to drive his Rascal through.

* But at least our backup running back is awful too. No, not Jerome Harrison – he’s actually pretty good. Which is why he’s the 3rd string back. No, really.

I think I’ll ask my old friend Jack Daniels what he thinks about all this.

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Makin’ Waves

Today I had the intense misfortune of being an ear-witness to the loudest poop splash I have ever heard. There were actually two distinct halves of the sound – an initial SPLOOSH and then a GALOONK as the waves rocketed off the sides of the toilet and crashed back together in the middle. It sounded like someone took a rock the size of a basketball and threw it off the 10 meter diving platform at the Water Cube.

Unfortunately, and in no small part thanks to my rampant ADHD, I’ve spent the rest of the day pondering the improbable physics involved in this personalized tsunami.

* Based on the sound, this simply HAD to be a Mark Mangino sized mud baby…how many horses have to fuck you in the ass before you can pass a deuce the size of a cannon ball in one piece?

* How did he flush this monster? At what point do you say “Fuck it, there’s no way this will fit down the toilet, I’m just gonna poop in the garbage can”?

* Or maybe the sound wasn’t caused by size as much as an impressive exit velocity? Does this guy’s small intestine work like a luge track?

* How did this guy avoid getting soaked by the enormous splash? Based on the sound I have to assume he dried off with a regular bath towel from ankle to armpit.

* What kind of skid marks does this guy have in his toilets at home? I bet they have to be removed with hydrochloric acid and a 10,000 rpm grinder.

(Hey, if this hadn’t happened you would be reading a 15 page dissertation on heartburn and the 2008 NL Central race. You should be relieved.)

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