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Archive for October, 2008

Just in time for Halloween

In case your blood pressure wasn’t already high enough with our current financiapocalypse and the upcoming Presidential election, ponder these scenarios:

Scenario #1
1) From now until Nov 5, Obama continues to show a commanding lead in the polls.
2) The election happens and McCain wins.
Reason: lots of people in America like to think they are “progressive” and tell pollsters that they will vote for the black guy. When it comes time to actually vote, however…
3) Because nobody would actually have the balls to stand up and point out what really happened, the country would tear itself apart over allegations of a rigged election. (You know, again.)

Scenario #2
Obama wins the election, and his inauguration provides Willy-Bubba from the Aryan Nation with the perfect opportunity to grab his standard issue Marine Corps M40A1 sniper rifle and send a message. The 1992 LA Riots would be like a day at Disneyland in comparison.

Scenario #3
1) Obama and McCain finish in a dead tie with 269 electoral votes each.
2) The House of Representatives, currently controlled by Democrats, gets to choose the President.
3) The Senate, with no majority party currently (49 donkeys/49 elephants/2 independents), gets to choose the Vice President.
4) The next VP would be decided by the 2 independent Senators: Bernie Sanders and…gulp…Joe Lieberman.

(See? I think about more than poop splashes sometimes.)

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So many things to enjoy about last night’s thorough humiliation of the New York Football Giants:

* ESPN cameramen always seem to find the ugliest/scariest Browns fans for their crowd shots. The guy that looked like Bob Ross was my favorite (“Now lets paint some happy trees!”).

* When things aren’t going well for the Giants, Eli Manning gives off this vibe like he is a whiny 5 year old. Rolling his eyes, throwing his hands up in frustration, shaking his head at teammates…what a bitch. This would drive me nuts if I were a Giants fan, almost as much as my wispy moustache and Members Only jacket.

* Speaking of Manning: nice to see him revert to early 2007 form by throwing 3 picks, one of which followed the same trajectory as a fucking weather satellite. How was Plaxico supposed to catch that corn-filled turd? Stick to what you know best Eli – licking cream in very uncomfortable homoerotic cookie commercials.

* Eric Wright was more gazelle than man last night, culminating in a sick INT and 95 yard runback to seal the game. I’ll even forgive the Neon Deion finish just this one time. Anyone who paints a map of Hawaii on Eli’s face like that gets one free pass in my book.

* You could actually hear the *POP* as Derek Anderson finally removed his head from his ass last night. After the first couple series, something just clicked and suddenly he was uncorking precision rockets all over the field. Sam Madison got in the way of one of those lasers and his stigmatism was miraculously fixed.

* Braylon Edwards just worked over Aaron Ross. Ross left the game in the 4th quarter due to 3rd degree burns from Edwards torching him so many times. Hopefully this is a return to form for #17.

* It’s amazing how much better the Browns offense runs when their TE’s actually block. Do you think “swollen balls” Winslow was taking notes?

* ESPN broadcasters apparently didn’t see fit to point this out, but Joe Thomas was a fucking wrecking ball last night. Every replay of short running plays showed Thomas and LG Eric Steinbach moving 3 or 4 Giants defenders 5 yards upfield before flattening them on the ground. Joe Thomas was beef jerky with Tobasco sauce on it last night, and Eli Manning was a cupcake with pink frosting and an effeminate frowny face painted on it.

* It’s time to use more direct snaps to Joshua Cribbs, and more touches for backup RB Jerome Harrison. Both looked like gamebreakers last night.

* Headline on ClevelandBrowns.com – “Vote for Crennel for coach of the week”. Whoa, let’s not go nuts here ClevelandBrowns.com. Baby steps.

* We need to keep the throwbacks for next week’s game with Washington, even though the helmets with skinny jersey numbers on them look like crap. Can’t mess with karma.

A season reborn.

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The Cubs shit the bed so completely and thoroughly last night, the bed looks like a cake with 3″ of chocolate frosting on top.

Lets start with the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen from the Cubs in years, and that’s saying something: Hiring a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the dugout with holy water.

Lets spend the entire season marginalizing the notion of a curse, then right before the first playoff game we’ll bring in a FUCKING PRIEST to hose the dugout down with HOLY WATER! What in the blue fuck is that?!? (At least they didn’t use a Catholic priest – guess what he would’ve hosed the dugout down with?)

Then the game starts, and it’s just painfully obvious that Dempster does not have his best stuff. He barely escapes a couple tight spots, then walks 3 straight batters in the 5th inning…WHY WAS NOBODY WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN? Is Lou saving the bullpen for game 6? Dempster walked SEVEN batters in 4.2 innings!!

Watching this on TV, just KNOWING that Dempster’s luck had run out & that he was about to get pounded, it was like getting sudden diahrrea when you’re miles from the nearest bathroom. You just take deep breaths and try not to think about the crippling intestinal pain eviscerating your lower torso. Sure enough, Loney drops a salami on Dempster as CF suffers flashbacks of watching Dempster blow 9 saves in 2006. The F-bomb that I unleashed as that ball was traveling into the center field bleachers was so loud it gave 14 orphans cancer.

And of course, after Loney shoved his bat up Dempster’s ass sideways, Wrigley Field went from a party to a funeral in about .0005 seconds. Gee, I wonder if convincing everyone that we’re cursed and then reinforcing that ass-headed notion by paying a priest to bless the dugout helped?

Later in the game Tom Verducci drops this gem: “Wrigley Field right now reminds me of Fenway Park pre-2004” which caused me to say COCKSUCKER so loud that my dog ran from the room.

And just for good measure, Jason Marquis comes into the game in mop-up duty and promptly gets blown up by Russell Martin. That reminded me of the time I tried to put out a fire by drinking kerosene and pissing everywhere. Thanks for putting him in there Lou, now Marquis is shot for the series.

Greg Maddux mopping up the game last night for the Dodgers was the perfect cherry on top of a giant colostomy sundae with extra whipped cream. Nothing beats watching the washed-up shell of one of your team’s legends shutting you out with his 85 mph heat in a playoff game.

Christ.

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