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Archive for January, 2009

Run for the Border

For those who haven’t been to Taco Bell recently…well, congratulations because you will probably live about 10 years longer than the rest of us.

Anyway, Taco Bell prints these clever little sayings on their sauce packets. Some are witty, some are random, some are even hilarious double entendres if you have a dirty enough mind (ie – “Save a bun. Eat a taco”). These amusing sauce packets gave me something to toss about idly in my mind as I was driving back to my office from lunch.

My vacant musings soon turned to abject horror, however, when the demon spawn of my Taco Bell lunch began clawing its way through my lower intestine at frightening speeds. Panic stricken, I managed to steer my chariot into a McDonald’s and proceeded to unleash a rectal holocaust on their McPlumbing. The first wave of this shit was actually the size and shape of a church bell, and it made the Taco Bell “BWONG” sound on its way out. The following waves sounded like someone dumping pea gravel into a fish tank. My ass screeched like worn brake pads the entire time. When I was done I had to wipe with ice because the toilet paper kept bursting into flames. (I think you get the picture)

To honor this scarring incident I’ve decided that Taco Bell needs some more truth in advertising in their sauce packet slogans.

Here are a few suggestions:

  • Don’t make any fucking plans for the next 2 hours.
  • Enjoy your food. You won’t have it for long.
  • Are you wearing a diaper? Maybe you should be.
  • Ever wondered how the opening of a volcano feels?
  • You must really hate yourself.
  • Caution: explosive diarrhea can cause dehydration!
  • Ever see any Mexicans eating here? Ever wonder why not?
  • Whatever happens, DO NOT fucking sneeze.

Thanks Taco Bell! And don’t worry, I’m sure those last five feet of my lower intestine will grow back eventually.

taco-bell-sauce

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The Chicago Cubs have signed Milton Bradley to a three year, $30 million contract.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/chi-06-cubs-bradley-chicagojan06,0,179702.story

This was not an important signing because of Bradley’s talent. He is 30 years old, injury prone, clearly hit a lot better at home last year than on the road, etc.

This was an important signing for a less tangible reason: Milton Bradley is completely batshit insane. We’re talking about Brad Pitt in “12 Monkeys” crazy here.

Win or lose, at least the 2009 Chicago Cubs will not go quietly into that gentle night because Milton Bradley does not go anywhere quietly or gently. Signing a player like Milton Bradley to play for Lou Piniella’s Chicago Cubs is like filling your fire extinguishers with kerosene. There is NO WAY the Cubs escape the 2009 season without someone getting shot, stabbed, or severely beaten in their clubhouse.

Here is my estimated timeline of Milton Bradley incidents in the 2009 season:

  • March 2: After an early spring training game Bradley discovers a parking ticket on his car, spends the next 15 days sobbing uncontrollably in the fetal position.
  • April 11: The Great Gazoo whispers in Bradley’s ear that he needs to sucker punch the Brewers’ bat boy. Hilarity ensues.
  • May 12: Bradley runs out to right field with no pants on, “KISS MY A$$ KEVIN TOWERS” painted across his butt cheeks.
  • June 17: In the Windy City Classic, Bradley hits a gapper and runs the bases shooting at White Sox infielders with a handgun like the running back in “The Last Boy Scout”.
  • July 14: Bradley crashes the All Star game in Fan Man’s parachute, shits on Ichiro through the fan.
  • Aug 28: Bradley and Elijah Dukes re-enact the Jets-Sharks knife fight from “West Side Story” completely by accident while actually trying to knife each other to death.
  • Sept 19: Bradley blows out his ACL delivering an atomic leg drop to a nun wearing a St Louis Cardinals hat.

Buckle up motherfuckers, the MB era is gonna be a wild ride!

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