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Archive for September, 2009

From ESPN.com today: Browns rookie CB Coye Francies was pranked by some of the veterans in the secondary, and basically lost his shit and started throwing ice, punches, and possibly punch-flavored Icee’s all over the place.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4504153

First of all, whenever you see stories like this about your favorite team your first phone call should be to Las Vegas to bang the “under” on number of wins for the season. There is no way in hell any team that has crap like this going on behind the scenes wins more than four games.

That having been said…thank God someone in the Browns locker room is pissed off about something. If I had to call Brandon McDonald or Mike Adams a “veteran” I would probably start throwing punches too. Brandon McDonald hasn’t earned the right to haze Ronald McDonald, let alone an NFL player.

“Before he could be stopped, Francies tossed the ice on cornerback Brandon McDonald, hitting him with cubes and covering the floor.”

That bucket of ice was the first damn thing that Brandon McDonald has stopped this season. Adrian Peterson showed up 30 minutes later just to stiff-arm McDonald face down into the pile of ice on the floor.

“Welcome to the Browns locker room!” wide receiver Braylon Edwards hollered as players rushed over to check on the commotion.

Thanks for fiddling while Rome burns there, Braylon. It’s a good thing he didn’t throw the ice at you because there is no way you would’ve caught any of it, and some of it might have screwed up your French manicure and caused you to miss 6-8 weeks and have to cancel your next GQ shoot, ASSBAG.

I love that Shaun Rogers broke up the fracas by grabbing Francies and dragging him out of the locker room. The fact that Shaun Rogers, a 400 lb toilet clogging machine who is about as quick as frozen maple syrup in January, is still quicker than one of our CB’s says all you need to know about the 2009 Browns secondary. I bet once they were in the hallway, instead of talking Rogers just chomped his mouth like King Hippo until Francies inserted a whole chicken to placate him.

Quote from defensive coordinator Rob Ryan:

“They’re starting to care for each other. We’re coming together. I can see it.”

Maybe you should get your fucking eyes checked Rob, because all I see is a bunch of future CFL players throwing things at each other in a locker room. Baghdad Bob thinks you’re fucking kidding yourself asshole.

As of right now Vegas has the Ravens at –13.5 and if any of you has more than 35 cents in your pocket you need to jump on this. The Ravens could get shut out and still win by two touchdowns against this mountain of elephant excrement that is the 2009 Browns. I’m seriously thinking that the Browns could be penalized two touchdowns for shitty play and end up with –14 points. After which Rob Ryan will declare the game to be a glorious victory, and hopefully Coye Francies will punch him with a brick of ice.

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1. Get your hands on a copy of the NFL schedule
2. Look to see who the Browns are playing this week
3. Dump a big pile of money on whoever the Browns are playing to win
4. Roll around naked in your winnings like Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal” (optional)

But Dr Friction, you say, how can I be sure this will work? The NFL is so unpredictable. Any team can look terrible one week and awesome the next. Like Cedric Benson and the Cincinnati Bengals unloading that Hot Carl on the Packers’ chest last week, for example.

Here is one statistic that will shut your mouth and open your wallet faster than a lapper from Megan Fox: from the Browns return to the NFL in 1999 through week two of the 2009 season, their record is 54-108.

That means over 10 years they have literally lost 2 of every 3 games they’ve played. What other gambling option presents you with a 2/3 chance of winning? Combine that with the fact that the 2009 Browns remind me of that hard crunchy shit that forms around the cap of a ketchup squeeze bottle and this is pretty much a no-brainer.

Oh, by the way: the Browns play at Baltimore in week three.

You’re welcome.

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I spent enough time on the couch this weekend that my ass groove is really rounding into mid-season form. A few observations from the Sunday games:

* The announcers on the Browns-Vikings game were shameless Brett Favre cheerleaders. I’ve seen pornos with less deep-throating than what we had to listen to during the first 15 minutes of that game. “Oh, he just loves the game so much he couldn’t stay away, SLURP SLURP SLURP, heart of a champion, TWO HANDED PEPPER GRINDER, what a great hero, MAP OF HAWAII PAINTED ON MY FACE.” Give it a fucking rest, you’re not convincing anyone of anything except your own unrequited man-crush.

* Adrian Peterson’s touchdown run where he stopped, threw the Browns defender out of bounds like Hulk Hogan throwing the Iron Sheik over the top rope, and then floored the gas pedal and coasted into the end zone…I mean, holy crap. Was that a real Browns defender or some kid from the Make-A-Wish foundation whose final wish was to play one snap for an NFL team? The only way that guy could have ended up looking worse is if he somehow landed in a metal garbage can with just his legs sticking up in the air, kicking and flailing comically.

* Josh Cribbs continues to be a singular talent trapped on a sinking ship in Cleveland. For the good of the NFL, can Cribbs “defect” to another team like a Cuban pitcher coming to the US? Can we put him on the hood of a 1963 Buick and send him across lake Erie, en route to New England or New York? He deserves better than the Mangini and Touchdown Mary traveling circus.

* From the Colts-Jags game: after Anthony Gonzalez fell down untouched and had to be carried off the field, I had the following text message exchange with a former co-worker:

Me: WTF just happened to Anthony Gonzalez? Sniper?
Him: I think his water just broke.

Best line of the weekend.

* Was it just a coincidence that Gus Johnson got to call the most exciting finish of any of the Sunday games on the same weekend that TNT was showing “300” every night? Couldn’t you just picture Gus dressed like King Leonidas and yelling “THAT…IS…A TOUCHDOWN!!” and kicking his producer in the chest, knocking him backwards out of the press box?

* Jason Campbell spent pretty much the entire first half of the Skins-Giants game with the same look on his face as that guy in the commercial selling the drug for old men who can’t stop pissing themselves. Which is actually pretty understandable considering that Osi Umsldkthqweioph and Justin Tuck look like they could skin a whole cow faster than a school of piranhas in the Amazon river. Those guys are scary good.

* Brandon Jacobs looks like someone who would spit a lot when he talks. Every time he gets up from being tackled he is talking smack to someone, and his facemask looks like a lemon being squeezed with all the spit spraying out everywhere. I think I would be more upset at the impromptu bath than anything he would say to me.

* How did the Packers make it all the way to the season opener without discovering that their right tackle is awful? Ogunleye made that guy look like a turnstile in a subway station.

* That fake punt direct snap to Garrett Wolfe was like something you would try in a game of Madden when you’re already ahead by four touchdowns and you just want to find out if any of those trick plays really work. They don’t work in Madden, and apparently they don’t work in real life either. Do the Bears have a special teams coach or is that job handled by a rooster pushing checkers pieces around a board while the punter plays the kazoo?

* Is Jay Cutler diabetic or retarded?

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Tylenol Cold & Flu

During the lunch hour today I went to Target to pick up a few things. (55 gallon drum of AstroGlide, a complete armada of air mattresses, enough whiskey for an Irish wake, giant tarp, a few dozen ShamWows…you know, typical errand stuff.)

When it comes time to check out, being the impatient person I am I choose the shortest checkout line. There is only one person in front of me – a girl who looks to be high school aged. The only things she is buying are two boxes of Tylenol Cold & Flu. This should take NO TIME AT ALL to complete the transaction; she shouldn’t even have to break stride on her way through the checkout aisle. Here’s my merchandise, here’s some money, here’s your change, BAM – exit stage left.

So this girl hands two boxes of Tylenol Cold & Flu pills to the cashier, and immediately the cashier says “Can I see some ID, please?” What…the fuck…for? This is COLD MEDICINE for fuck sakes; it’s not like she’s buying shotgun shells or morning after pills.

By now you can probably see where this is going:

Cashier: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this to you since you are not 18 years old
High school girl: But I’m going to turn 18 in two weeks, wah wah wah, LOUD MOODY TEENAGER WORDS
Cashier: [looking at her feet shyly] I’m sorry, I’m very sorry
High school girl: Fine, I guess I will just have to GO PUT THIS BACK ON THE SHELF THEN [Storms away in a big huff]
Me: So, why won’t Target sell cold medicine to minors?
Cashier: Uh…I don’t know

Can anyone explain to me why Target just walked away from $20 here? What is so dangerous about Tylenol Cold & Flu?

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