Archive for October, 2009

From last week’s game: Adrian Peterson catches a short pass and has just enough time to turn up field and trample Pittsburgh safety William Gay like a rampaging elephant running over a helpless zookeeper.

The only way AP could have made that domination more complete is if they stopped the game so he could pull down Gay’s pants and screw that football into his ass like a light bulb.

Technically I think the Pittsburgh police could issue AP a ticket for littering. You can’t just leave your discarded garbage anywhere you please, Mr. Peterson! Throw that safety in the trash when you’re done with him. YOU’RE MAKING NATIVE AMERICANS CRY.

Since the NFL already has penalties when players break the rules, they need to add bonuses for when something like this happens. Instead of a yellow flag they could throw a green flag at the spot of the amazingness. Then the referee would announce something like “Roughing the defense, number 28 offense. Five yards will be added to the end of the run. First down.”


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1. Josh Cribbs is now the starting quarterback, and the new offense is 100% from the Wildcat formation. Throw out the entire playbook and start over with everything based out of this formation.

1B.Promote Jerome Harrison to starting tailback, as Jamal Lewis would be useless in the Wildcat.
1C. Trade Derek Anderson for whatever value we can get.
1D. Train Brady Quinn to run the Wildcat as the backup, then trade him in the offseason as well.

2. No punting, field goals, or extra point kicks. Run four downs on every offensive series and go for two after every touchdown. Kickers are a wasteful extravagance, and they are often smelly foreigners to boot. Win lose or fail, the new Browns will be BALLS TO THE FUCKING WALL.

3. Recruit offensive lineman from the Japanese sumo wrestling circuit. Ever seen those guys in action? They’re 400+ lbs, and their sport demands agility and hand-eye coordination in the same way that being a good offensive lineman demands those things. Loin cloths would be optional.

4. Recruit at least one failed basketball project who is over seven feet tall to be the new short yardage tight end. His only job will be to run 3-5 yards off the line and post up so Cribbs can throw the ball up to him like a high rebound. The guy would probably have to be at least 260 lbs so he doesn’t get jammed off the line.

5. In the 2010 draft, pick Tim Tebow. Next season’s backfield will be some combination of Cribbs, Tebow, Jerome Harrison and a big fullback for goal line situations.

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Have you ever gone into a public restroom to wash your hands and they have those hands-free soap dispensers? It’s got a motion sensor that will dispense soap when your hands move under the tap, so they don’t end up with a soap dispenser coated in other people’s poop-loaf germs.

Ever tried to use one of those hands-free soap dispensers, only it doesn’t acknowledge that you’re there? You stand there like a street mime waving your arms around in front of the sink hoping to somehow get the electronic eye to notice you, but it never does. So then you move away to the next sink…and right after you step away that soap dispenser fires off a milky white stream into the sink that would make Peter North jealous. The whole experience makes you just want to jam both arms into the shitter and then slap the building maintenance manager in the face with your icky toilet water hands. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDS-FREE SYSTEM NOW, FUCKO!

This is exactly how it felt being a Browns fan after the Braylon Edwards trade. We installed that wide receiver as an upgrade, and he worked well for one season. So we kept waving our hands under that wide receiver, expecting continued production, but suddenly he wasn’t producing. Then, as soon as we gave up and moved to the next wide receiver he unveils these amazing sticky glue hands and actually plays like he cares. For the last 1.5 seasons in Cleveland the guy can’t catch a five yard curl route; now he makes leaping catches over his outside shoulder 30 yards down field while pirouetting the sideline like a fucking Russian ballet dancer?!?

Shove your rediscovered work ethic right up your freshly bleached asshole, Braylon Barishnikov. I hope LeBron joins the Knicks in 2010, buys a house right next to yours, and fucks your girlfriend in the upstairs picture window where you can see/hear/smell everything.

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Braylon Edwards got into an argument, punched the owner of a Cleveland nightclub in the wee hours following Epic Failure Vol. IV of the 2009 Browns season.


First of all, the guy that got jacked went to the hospital with a black eye, a cut, and…a headache? If you are a professional football player you should be able to do a hell of a lot more damage than that with a punch. When Joe Thomas punched that guy a few years ago, the police never found the guy’s fucking head. They just treated it like a shotgun wound because they couldn’t figure out any other way to splatter someone’s brains on a vaulted ceiling like that.

It probably feels like a soothing massage when Braylon punches you. All those footballs sliding through his hands have probably filed away any calluses or rough spots that were there. Like rubbing your face with smooth silk. How about a little less time in the nightclubs and a little more time with the Jugs machine there, GQ Edwards. Or if you’re gonna jam up some ghetto garbage at 2:30 in the morning at least learn how to throw hands so you can lay the guy out.

Based on Mangini’s $1,700 fine of an unnamed player for taking a $3 bottle of water from a hotel without paying for it, I assume Braylon will be fined eleventy billion dollars and the deeds to Park Place and the B & O Railroad for his involvement in this little incident.

I’m actually glad the original Browns left for Baltimore, because if Ray Lewis had to play for this team there would be a string of sewn-together dead hookers festooning city hall like Christmas lights every Monday morning.

Mark your calendars now for Oct 11th – Cleveland at Buffalo. That game should be like two obese people fucking on a vibrating hotel bed. Eventually, by sheer accident, someone will find the right hole and stuff it in, but it will be a long sweaty painful process to get there and nobody will be satisfied in the end.

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