Archive for November, 2009

Vending Machine Madness

To the guy who was in front of me at the vending machine today:

How in the hell did you get all the way to the vending machine without knowing what you intended to purchase? What were you so busy thinking about on the way from your desk to the break room that distracted you from making this decision? Should we expect a plan for peace in the Middle East or a cure for H1N1 to be coming from your office soon? I don’t take one fucking step away from my desk and I know exactly what I’m getting from the vending machine.

Even if you somehow managed to arrive in front of the vending machine without knowing what you wanted, how GOD DAMN LONG can it possibly take to process the 20 or so available options and choose one? It’s a vending machine, not a fucking tax return. You can have salt, sugar, chocolate, healthy crap that nobody ever eats anyway, or stale gum. Just fucking pick something or get the hell out of the way so people who actually have their shit together can get their snacky.

If our society didn’t have rules I would’ve kicked you in the small of your back hard enough to knock you right through the fucking glass. Then I would’ve picked a candy bar out of your face and taken $5 out of your wallet as payment for the two minutes of my life you cost me while you stood there staring like sedated livestock, hoping against hope that the vending machine would somehow do the hard work of making a selection for you. Stupid fucking simpleton.

(Yes, all Browns fans are this keyed up right now. I’d rather not talk about it.)


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