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Archive for December, 2009

Cleveland 13, Pittsburgh 6

* Thanks again, NFL Network and Time Warner, for depriving me of the chance to see maybe the only Browns game worth watching this year. Nice to know that the ongoing pissing match over who gets to steal more from my wallet couldn’t be resolved amicably. We need The American Jesus to host another beer summit to get to the bottom of this.

* Of course you always have the option to watch the game on NFL.com, if you don’t mind two minutes of game footage followed by 15 minutes of a studio segment featuring lobotomy patients dressed like Cirque de Soleil rejects discussing something that vaguely sounds like football. Whoever designed the NFL.com coverage of Thursday night football deserves to be beaten unconscious with a sack of Valencia oranges and thrown naked into the shower at Upstate Prison for Horny Well Endowed Men.

* On that 35 yard Wildcat run last night, Josh Cribbs showed why he is more than just another burnin’ returner. After he turned the corner and headed upfield, one of the Steelers secondary players tried to wrap up Cribbs around the knees. Instead of folding and falling, Cribbs made like he was trying to get dogshit off his boots and stomped right through the guy. If Cleveland has anyone left in their offices who can count past ten without wearing sandals, they will lock up Cribbs long term.

* At the end of Chris Jennings’ ten yard touchdown run, some sad sack Steelers player got hit so hard by Jennings that he almost did a cartwheel. That wasn’t exactly Christian Okoye that ran you down there, Susan B Steeler. Maybe next time you can call for tackling help by blowing your rape whistle.

* Mike Tomlin’s normal facial expression is terrifyingly intense. So what happens to him when he’s pushing a hard deuce? Does he have to cover his eyes to keep them from flying out of his head?

* Best moment from the postgame coverage: Kordell Stewart on ESPN News trying to articulate how embarrassing this was for the Steelers, only he is so bad at talking that he veered off topic midsentence. Repeat: Slash stopped listening to himself…in the middle of his own sentence. When he finished rambling aimlessly through the dense forest of stupidity that comprises his minute-to-minute thoughts, nobody on the set at ESPN even knew what to say next. They all had these looks on their faces like “What the fuck was that?!?” That footage should be in the next PSA about concussions.

* This is exactly what teams that are truly lousy every year do: suck horribly until they are out of the playoffs, then win a string of meaningless games and play themselves out of a top five draft pick. Hooray for history repeating itself in Cleveland!

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