Archive for March, 2010

The Return of Farnsworth

From the Kansas City Royals’ spring training camp – Gil Meche is dissolving faster than the guy who opened the Ark in that Indiana Jones movie. After his last start, his cock fell off in the shower. Frankly, the Royals are partially to blame here – they never should’ve let him use that radioactive pen to sign his $55 million contract.

(No, really. Gil Meche makes $55 million. Look it up.)

Anyway, because the Royals are a depressing Cirque du Malaise of washed-up has-beens, Japanese league drop outs, no curveball hitting Pedro Cerranos and California Penal League MVP’s they don’t have a lot of appealing options to fill Meche’s spot in the rotation.

So they are turning to… Kyle Farnsworth!


This is great news for fans of random sports violence because Kyle Farnsworth is a C- pitcher but he is an A+ basebrawler. This guy goes from 0 to 60 faster than a Ferrari 458 Italia. When it’s go time he doesn’t even waste time with punches – he just throws himself at people like an angry goateed missile.

The Royals have inadvertently provided the casual baseball fan with a great reason to watch every fifth Royals game for the first month of the season. If Farnsworth gets squeezed, will he kamikaze the home plate umpire and Krav Maga the guy’s crotch into oatmeal? Instead of pick off throws to first will he just run over and try to beat the baserunner to death with a sharpened cleat? Will he give the batboy a concrete toothbrush on the dugout steps after a bad outing?

Nothing is out of reach anymore.

The 2010 KC Royals – at least it won’t be boring!


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Literally hours after cutting Derek Anderson, the Browns are now shopping Brady Quinn.

You want Brady Quinn? Fuck it, he’s all yours. He comes with a pallet of Myoplex, a sun bleached whore girlfriend, and a raft of Notre Dame apologists.

I’m tired of the player carousel through Cleveland. I’m tired of jackasses (Winslow, Hillbilly Anderson and his moonshine jug, Cocaine Jamal Lewis, etc) playing poorly and blaming everyone except themselves. I’m tired of watching boneheaded play calling executed by CFL-caliber players. I’m tired of locker room fights, $1700 hotel water bottle fines, Adrian Peterson stiff-arming CB’s into next week, ESPN’s genuine surprise when the Browns actually win a game. I’m tired of being told how lousy Browns fans are; like most NFL fan bases, we have a vocal minority making the whole group look bad.

I’m dreading the draft because the Browns have 11 draft picks and if history tells us anything they will fuck up 10 of them. I’m dreading Seneca Wallace sucking horribly next season while Josh Cribbs takes 197 fair catches because he got his big contract and doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m dreading Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn getting a shot in Seattle, Arizona, Buffalo or Carolina and having a really good season. I’m dreading another season of defense that consistently and thoroughly shits the bed at every critical moment. Kickers who can’t kick, punters who can’t punt, coaches who can’t coach.

I’m getting to the point of just becoming a generic NFL fan and rooting for my gambling interest and/or fantasy football interests.

Those Derek Anderson quotes really pissed in my Cheerios this morning, I have been in a horrible God damn mood all day. Fuck all of these overpaid entitled pricks playing a child’s game for a living and whining like pussies when their magical fairy tale world doesn’t turn out just perfectly while I bust my hump in Asshole, Wisconsin then drive my shitty Hyundai home at night and masturbate dreaming about the pussy that these guys throw away because it’s not tight enough (or in Big Ben’s case, he rapes it ’till it can’t move). People getting paid $1 million a year to carry a clipboard and watch football games for four months a year should wake up every morning and give God a thank you blowjob that they don’t have to put up with all the day-to-day bullshit that the rest of us have to deal with. Boo hoo, people cheered when my knee broke, GET FUCKED YOU SPOILED BRAT.

To quote Brady Quinn’s Myoplex commercial, “Now I’m done”.

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In response to the following quote from Derek Anderson after being released by the Browns on March 9th:

“The fans are ruthless and don’t deserve a winner. I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn’t great. I hope and pray I’m playing when my team comes to town and [we] roll them.”

To the Moose from Scappoose,

To a quarterback who played great when absolutely nothing was expected of him and crumbled like a Catholic priest in the boys locker room when games actually mattered. To the man who lost training camp battles to Charlie “The Frye Cook” Frye and Mary Myoplex Milkshake. To the man who gave us the “2 for 17” game and a 42.1 QB rating for the 2009 season.

Crawl back to the hillbilly stinkwater town that spawned you and resume fucking your sister in the kiddie pool on your front lawn in the shadow of your cinder-blocked 1986 Camaro. They always need shelf stockers at Wal-Mart who can reach the high shelves so that 6’6” frame won’t be a total waste.

Oh, your feelings were hurt because the fans cheered when you got injured? Those Browns fans weren’t cheering the fact that you got injured; they were cheering the fact that the coaches finally had an excuse to bench your sorry ass.

You don’t have to like football fans but you do have to kiss their ass even if they don’t deserve it because they pay your salary and determine your commercial viability for endorsement contracts. Those of us who work in real 8-5 jobs already know that we can’t blow up the guy who signs our checks, just like we know that only a backwater moosefucker such as yourself burns bridges with former employers.

I really hope you catch on somewhere else just so we can see you fail again and completely vindicate the Walrus for cutting you. If that doesn’t happen, the CFL is always looking for QB’s who lock onto one receiver, wait three seconds too long, then throw into triple coverage. They love those fuckin’ guys up there like poutine and greasy meats.

Quote from Phil Savage in Dec 27, 2007 ESPN article:

“The tighter the game gets, the looser he is. That’s a great quality to have.”

Holy crap does that quote speak volumes about both men in hindsight. Here’s a hint, Phil: he’s always loose because he’s too stupid to know what is going on around him. You think it’s a great quality because you have no idea what a great quality in a football player is. Fuck you both with a jab saw.



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