Archive for April, 2010

KFC Hates You

Masochists and fat fetishists rejoice: KFC is introducing a new sandwich — the “Double Down” – which is bacon, cheese and mayonnaise in between two fried chicken patties instead of bread.


Honestly, why didn’t KFC just call it the “FUCK YOU AMERICA” sandwich and put two middle fingers on the box? The only thing in that picture that even remotely looks like it might have come from somewhere in nature is the cardboard sleeve.

Did KFC’s corporate chef just start randomly feeding farm animals into a giant meat grinder until this sandwich came out the other side? We’ve got pig, cow, and chicken represented here (2x for chicken if you count the eggs in the mayonnaise). You could drive a monster truck through a zoo firing SAW guns out the sides and do less damage to the animal kingdom.

If enough people start eating things like this, we can get rid of toilets entirely because nobody will ever make it to the bathroom before their colon just gives up and locks in the “open shutter” position. Sales of adult diapers and Preparation H pads will explode.

I love how schizophrenic KFC’s menu is. Hey lets slim down our mascot, drop “Fried” from our name, and offer grilled chicken…while we continue to sell Famous Bowls and add the Double Down sandwich.

Definitive commentary on KFC Famous Bowls courtesy of Patton Oswalt

It’s like KFC is daring you to try and figure out what the hell they are doing. And it’s hard to think when you’re laboring to breathe after taking five steps or saying a long word, and your man-tits are heaving and you can hear your heart straining to push all that fat through those tiny arteries.

I actually feel sick just thinking about this sandwich while writing about it. Eating that dumpster fire should be on the final exam for Green Berets – if you survive that, combat should be a breeze.


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