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Archive for July, 2010

Torn Meniscus Pie

Florida Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan tore a meniscus in his knee while attempting to smash a shaving cream pie into Wes Helms’ face during a postgame celebration.

Coghlan is the 2nd MLB player to suffer a serious injury during a postgame celebration this season; Kendry Morales broke his leg jumping on home plate after a walkoff home run at the end of May.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=5412671

First of all, why the hell is any team with a sub-.500 record that plays in front of 300 fans at home games celebrating anything at all?

Second, cream pies? What a stupid ritual. Last year someone tried to give Joe Thomas a surprise shaving cream pie to the face, and he performed the first spontaneous Face-Ass-Ectomy in medical history. Maybe they should smash each other in the face with vitamins or calcium pills instead, since these Nancies can’t even jump without shattering their knees and legs.

I miss the steroids era when guys had legs like tree trunks. Yeah, they had balls like raisins, but that wasn’t MY problem. Mark McGwire’s meniscus was strong enough to chew its own meals AND shit them out.

“[Manager Edwin] Rodriguez said the team addressed excessive celebrating and there will not be any more shaving-cream pie rituals.” That had to be the most exasperating locker room speech ever. I would’ve made it about halfway through before I just ripped my own head off and threw it at someone.

If someone blew out their knee trying to smash a shaving cream pie in my face I would absolutely squat down and fart in their mouth as they writhed on the ground in pain. Hopefully one of those short but powerful blast farts that billow your boxers like a flag in a 70 mph breeze. I bet that would taste like shame.

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Minnesota GM David Kahn spends five minutes with Chris Webber trying to explain how he is changing the Timberwolves for the better by serving breakfast (seriously), trading away Al Jefferson, and signing Darko Milicic to a long-term deal.

http://www.nba.com/video/channels/nba_tv/2010/07/14/kahn_intv.nba/index.html

(There’s no reason to watch because it’s just NBA summer league footage – just listen to the audio)

The amount of basketball stupid demonstrated here is so thick you could drizzle it over pancakes. You could almost freeze that much stupid into bricks and build your own stupid igloo.

Right around the midpoint of this clip, Kahn compares Darko’s career to Chris Webber’s career once he joined the Sacramento Kings. Two hilarious things about this:

  1. It’s a complete whiff; C Webb was a 20-10 stud for at least three seasons before that trade.
  2. C Webb is immediately and obviously pissed off by this comparison.

Just drink in the awkward tension from about 3:30 forward, culminating in Webber dropping a “Good Luck” in the last 20 seconds that will certainly be in consideration for the 2010 Outstanding Achievement in Broadcasting Sarcasm award that I wish existed. Webber seriously could have stood up and farted in Kahn’s face and it would’ve been about the same statement.

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