Archive for the ‘2004’ Category

Originally written Dec 22, 2004

SportsCenter this morning ran a piece about the agony of Eagles fans in the wake of TO’s injury. How people in Philadelphia are so so disappointed that their team keeps losing in the NFC championship game.

By the time the piece wrapped up, I was weeping tears of sympathy for those poor Eagles fans. How sad, that they have to suffer the heartbreak of watching a 10-6 team every year. I really think we should send them a care package, maybe some flowers. And a small violin they can play to drown their sorrows.

As a supporter of a 3-11 pile of garbage NFL team, I speak from a position of authority when I say, hey it could be worse Philly fan. You could be openly rooting for a loss this weekend so your team can get the #2 draft pick instead of the #3 pick.

We’re supposed to feel sorry for the Eagles? I have a better idea – I think I will laugh at them instead. Getting to the NFC championship game is not good enough? Try losing 21-0 in a snowstorm, TO A TEAM FROM CALIFORNIA. Try tossing up 17 yards of offense FOR AN ENTIRE GAME. Try debating the merits of starting Luke McCown vs Josh Harris without wanting to punch someone.

Fuck you Philadelphia, I hope you lose the NFC championship game again this year. You deserve it.


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Guide to Office Conduct

Originally written Dec 17, 2004

I’ve updated the rules and norms of office ettiquette to suit me better. Here are the amendments:

If I hold a door open for you and you don’t say “thank you” or at least acknowledge my effort in some way, I get a free penalty kick anywhere below the waist. Or above the waist, whatever I feel like at the time.

If you begin making small talk with me, I can walk away whenever you begin to bore me without saying anything to you.

Anyone who walks into my cube without knocking first to let me know you are there, you get a free cupcake slammed into your grill and you must wear Terry Tate’s shame badge for the rest of the day.

Don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you are fully prepared to hear how many times I can use the f-word in a sentence without taking a breath.

Offenders of the “smell zone” — people who wear more than a gallon of perfume/cologne — shall be required to endure comments like “who invited Calvin Klein to this meeting?” and “did someone step in something fragrant on their way here today?” in silence.

If you walk really slow, people are allowed to issue one forearm shiver each to get you the hell out of the way.

Farting is not only allowed, it shall be encouraged. Prizes will be issued daily to the fart champion. Shitting your pants earns instant disqualification.

If you leave your cellphone on, and you leave your office, and the cellphone goes off, and it has a horribly annoying ring…your phone will be liquidated. But not before I answer the phone, tell whoever is calling that I mugged you and stole your phone, and killed you in the process.

If you have pictures of your children on your desk, and your children are ugly, I get to tell you so. Same for pictures of spouses, pets, vehicles, and religious artifacts.

Casual Friday has been replaced with Wet T-shirt Friday, Beer and Hot Wings Thursday, and Bare Knuckle Boxing Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday are part of the weekend now.

One day a month will be chosen at random as “Celebrate Violence day”. There are no rules on this day, so you better wear a cup and bring some shit to clean up your messes with.

These rules are in effect until I change them, which I can do whenever the hell I want for no good reason.

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Originally written Dec 13, 2004

On the Cleveland Browns official website, they have this guy who writes a column every Monday called “Man About Browns Town”. It’s a very raw and opinionated column, one of my favorite reads every week. I just read this week’s column, and damn I hope they got this guy on suicide watch. Most columns about the Browns this year have been depressing, but this borders on clinical depression. Good times.

Speaking of the NFL’s doormat, next week we are hosting the 10-3 San Diego Chargers. Then after that, the Sunday night game on ESPN against the equally hapless Dolphins. That should be must-miss TV for everyone who isn’t me.

Here’s the worst part: Where do the Browns go next year? We need improvement from the o-line, d-line, secondary, running backs, and quarterback. What do you address first? Is it possible to fire an entire team (except “soldier” Winslow) and start over with all new players? Would they be any worse than this year’s Browns?

We need Jeff Fisher to coach, Phil Savage as GM and either Mike Williams or Antrel Rolle drafted in the first round. Then we can THINK ABOUT the playoffs in 2006.

If they hire Dick Juaron or Dave Wannstedt to coach then you will never see me again. I will be packing my Mark 3 Mod 0 Navy SEAL combat knife with 6″ blade into my steel-toed shit stompers and pointing the Dart towards Cleveland so I can straighten things out myself. You can turn this in to the police after Randy Lerner is found floating down the Cuyahoga River with his balls crammed down his throat.

Whew, I feel better already.

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Houston Texans are throwing games

Originally written Dec 12, 2004

This is the biggest story in the NFL that no one is talking about, and Packer fans should be really upset about it.

After yesterday’s game, it is plainly obvious that the Houston Texans are THROWING GAMES TO KEEP THE #1 OVERALL DRAFT PICK. Watch that final kick from Kris Brown…there is no way that an NFL kicker misses a 31 yarder by that much on accident. He didn’t just miss it, he was AIMING THE WRONG WAY FOR CRAP SAKES.

How many games has Houston lost this year, that made you say “Hmm that was a really big collapse even for Houston”. How about being ahead of St Louis 24-3 at halftime? Leading Baltimore by 10 points at the two minute warning? That’s THREE WEEKS IN A ROW that the Texans have been beaten by an opponent on the last possession of the game!

This affects my 4-9 Browns almost as much as your 3-10 Packers, but aren’t you irritated that one team has basically folded up their tents and decided to just nose dive completely? Isn’t there some kind of unspoken thing here that teams are never supposed to give up, just to stack the deck in their own favor? There’s bad football karma there, right?

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Originally written Dec 7, 2004

Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi’s offseason so far:

BJ Ryan – 5 years, $47 million. Career resume: 29 yeard old, 42 saves

AJ Burnett – 5 years, $55 million. Career resume: 28 years old, 49-50 W-L record

Conclusions to be drawn from this:

1. JP likes other people with initials for their first names

2. JP read a poorly translated “English to Canadian” version of Moneyball…then discovered Canadian isn’t even a separate language

3. Actually I can’t think of anything else…alcohol maybe? Drugs? A very high level of idiocy?

Cubs fans, it’s not too late to sell this guy Corey Patterson, before he sobers up and rolls over to look at the $102 million pig he fucked last night…

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Originally written Dec 2, 2004

“Everybody is refreshed. We’ve got a new beginning.”
— DE Kenard Lang

“It’s a lot better feeling coming in to work. Everybody mentally feels a whole lot better right now.”
— FS Earl Little

“He resigned and we’re going to move on. His opinion is his opinion. For me, I didn’t want to even listen to it.”
— CB Daylon McCutcheon, discussing Butch Davis’ parting shots at Browns management

“Guys come and go in this business. He’s leaving with a big old bank account. Nobody’s going to feel sorry for Coach Davis or anything like that.”
— Earl Little again, on Davis’ $12 million remaining contract for the next 3 years

“I don’t think guys were able to relate to him in a way that was positive for them to get their job done for whatever reason, and most of these guys are Butch’s guys, so I don’t know what the disconnect was.”
— SS Robert Griffith

“I’m just happy that we have coach Robiskie. That’s the best way that I can answer that”
— Robert Griffith again, when asked if coach Davis had lost the players

“One time when Butch Davis was asleep in his office, I put my dick in his mouth and took a picture. Then I farted on his Egg McMuffin and sneezed in his coffee. It was extremely gratifying.”
— QB Jeff Garcia

OK, I made that last one up, but it pretty much fits with the rest of these quotes doesn’t it?

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Jason Giambi

Originally written Dec 2, 2004

Jason Giambi used steroids. If you are a baseball fan, and this surprised you, then you are not very smart.

Perhaps more than any of the other pro sports, baseball has a legacy of tolerating cheaters. Scuffed balls, cut balls, spitters, corked bats, frozen baseballs, growing infield grass longer or shorter to suit your team’s speed level, and of course drugs. Batting champs, 20 game winners, Hall of Famers all have acknowledged cheaters among their ranks.

Even if this whole steroids fiasco leads to implications against Barry Bonds, can you really even consider taking away his records? How is this any different than Norm Cash winning the 1961 batting title, then admitting later that he used corked bats all season long? His record is still on the books. Gaylord Perry admitted during his playing days to throwing illegal spitballs. Hey, wipe him off the books too. It’s a slippery slope.

If someone told me that I could make $15 million per year playing baseball, and become famous to boot, and all I had to do was take some pills or rub cream on my shoulder…where do I sign up? I may die in my 50’s because my organs stop working one day, but my grandchildren can afford a Harvard education on my inheritance because I made $100 million playing baseball…sounds OK to me. Is this any different than NFL players turning their bodies into crushed tin cans so they can make that moeny for their families?

Last thought: if Jeremy Giambi was juicing too then how come he sucked so bad? Was he given a placebo?

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