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Archive for the ‘2005’ Category

Originally written Dec 2, 2005

Deion Sanders, labor relations expert, shares his thoughts on Terrell Owens:

“I feel bad for T.O. It’s not right. Just because a guy won’t say he’s sorry, he’s out of the game of football for the season,” Sanders said. “It’s like someone working a job 9 to 5 and they don’t apologize to their boss, they’re fired. There are so many things that I don’t like about it. A man should be able to work and make an honest living and do what he loves to do.”

Memo to Deion Sanders, from everyone who REALLY works 9 to 5 for a living:

My man, if I signed a contract with my company then one year later demanded an 800% raise…publicly criticized my company, boss, and co-workers…picked a fight with a co-worker…and refused to apologize for any of it, or even PRETEND to be sorry about the situation…YOU BET YOUR SORRY WASHED-UP ASS THEY WOULD FIRE ME. Those of us who live in reality work under a condition known as “employment at will”, which means they can run my ass for a lot less than T.O. has done.

You don’t know shit about 9 to 5 workers, and for that matter you don’t know shit about much of anything. You are a washed up nickel back that should have stayed retired. Go back to dressing like a clown, acting like a clown, and being a clown on the CBS studio show, you fucking clown. You were only mildly irritating then, calling all players “dat dude” because you didn’t do any prep work. I miss that clown.

I can’t believe you called professional football player ‘an honest living’. You wouldn’t know an honest day’s work if it landed on your head and took a shit in your high & tight fade haircut (circa 1991).

Eat shit, Prime Time.

Sincerely,

Everyone who REALLY works 9 to 5 for a living

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Originally written Nov 30, 2005

One of the many ironies of being me is that I work in marketing, but I can’t stand 98% of commercials on TV today. Usually, I see a commercial and either ignore it or start channel surfing until whatever I’m watching comes back on.

Occasionally, however, there comes along a commercial that instantly drives me so insane, that I have to turn the channel IMMEDIATELY whenever it comes on AND think of something else before my head explodes. These commercials for whatever reason just drive me so nuts, it’s beyond reason.

It has been a while since one of these rare turds has rolled into my living room (anything involving Jared would be on this list). A few nights ago, a new commercial entered this exclusive club.

It goes like this: some foreign guy, standing in a phone booth that’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, talking to his girlfriend in some horrible language – presumably British. Madonna barges into the phone booth, grabs the guy’s phone and hangs it up, and then just stands there staring at the guy.

I don’t know what else happens in this commercial, because this is as far as I’ve ever gotten into it. This instantly drove me so insane, I just can’t watch it.

If Madonna ever hung up a phone on me like that, there would be two hits: the phone hitting the cradle, and Madonna’s face hitting the phone booth wall at 300 MPH.

I would rather watch old people vs fat people in a make-out contest than watch Madonna rudely interrupt someone ever again. Every time that commercial comes on, in the two seconds before I can change the channel I pray for a new “director’s cut” where the guy just beats Madonna to death with the phone.

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Option offense in the NFL

Originally written Nov 16, 2005

Nobody has been able to answer this question to my satisfaction:

You’re Brian Billick, and you’re piloting the Ravens right into the ground. Boller is hurt, Wright goes down, and you’re stuck with Kordell Stewart. You have a QB who is best on the run…a RB in Chester Taylor who is quick AND can go North-South…an all-Pro TE…one of the best O-lines in the NFL…and a decent deep threat in Derrick Mason. So, why not run the option? Especially in short yardage situations. Ogden as pulling guard, Slash and Chester Taylor in the open field…this wouldn’t be good for 3 yards every time? Why not?

I’m not suggesting that any NFL team should switch to the option permanently, or even that often. QB’s would get killed doing this, but if it’s Kordell Stewart who cares. As a gimmick offense, for short yardage purposes, couldn’t this work? Pittsburgh could do this as well (Randle El at QB, Willie Parker, the Bus at FB, Heath Miller and Hines Ward). And of course Atlanta. Would you want to have to game plan against the the Vick/Dunn/Duckett option offense on 3rd and 3?

Why wouldn’t this work?

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Olin Kreutz vs Fred Miller

Originally written Nov 14, 2005

“Olin and I don’t have a problem with each other,” said Miller, who has a steel plate in his jaw.

I bet you don’t, because Olin settled that problem by cracking your jaw into pieces. 6 foot 7, 320 pounds, one dented grill.

Kreutz is already a legendary tough guy, now add to that resume “breaks jaws of men the size of grizzly bears”. I guess we are lucky he didn’t rip Miller’s jaw completely off and turn it into a hand puppet.

It’s a little more clear now how Kreutz, undersized at 6-2 and 292 lbs, never misses games. Apparently he is made of steel and runs on the tears of small children.

Olin Kreutz: BEAST

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France queefs all over itself

Originally written Nov 7, 2005

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9891709/

For those that do not read much, a summary: France’s major cities are in the middle of a major shitstorm of rioting, the majority of which is being carried out by French-born children of Arab and African immigrants who are treated like garbage by the rest of society.

First, if I had to live in France I would burn shit and blow up cars too. It’s about fucking time that someone who lives in France actually showed some balls about something. France was in danger of being renamed “Germany’s Parking Space”, now they are closer to “Detroit”. Maybe France can actually be taken seriously now that we know that at least a few dozen French people have real balls.

And what a big surprise that the French police are incapable of stopping the rioters. They might as well put on little fairy costumes and fight the riots with their magic fairy dust wands. The riots must interfere with “Croissant et Fromage heure”, I bet that really gets their panties in a twist. At this point I’m wondering if I couldn’t take over France, just by flying into Paris and yelling at people until they surrendered.

Smell that? That’s the sweet smell of burning French stuff, baby.

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Originally written Oct 28, 2005

Fact: The 2005 Astros were the first World Series team without a black player since the 1953 NY Yankees.

Fact: Black players accounted for approx. 9% of MLB roster spots in 2005.

“I could care less what the makeup of the club is as long as it works as a whole.” -White Sox manager Ken Williams, the only black GM in MLB. The White Sox have three lineup regulars and two coaches who are black. (Look up who they are yourself, I can’t do all of your research)

Joe Morgan, Hank Aaron, and others would have you believe that this is connected with some sort of institutional racism. Before you swallow the ESPN line, consider the following:

1. MLB has rules around minimum age of recruitable talent for their draft, but those rules only apply in the U.S. Unlike the NBA, which has a global draft format, foreign players are game at any age. Consequently, many baseball franchises set up camps in places like Venezuela and the Dominican Republic so they can acquire the best Latin talent when they are still pre-teens.

2. The difference between poor kids in Latin countries, and poor black kids in the US inner cities? How about real estate. There is a lot of open land in Central & South American countries, the poor are often farmers or live in villages. Compare that to inner city Chicago, or Milwaukee. The structure of American cities is conducive to sports with low overhead cost, that can be practiced alone, and played in a small amount of space (or indoors). In other words, basketball.

3. Maybe fewer black kids play baseball because…fewer black kids are INTERESTED in baseball. Baseball happens to be boring to watch on TV, not the kind of thing that captures an 8 year old kid’s attention.

4. Who should the Astros cut to make room for their mandatory black players? Wouldn’t this water down a talent pool that has already been stretched in recent years by league expansion?

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The 2005 World Series drew the worst TV ratings for any televised WS, despite featuring two of the largest TV markets in the nation’s teams.

Why? My theory: Fox.

Let’s start with Buck and McCarver. Who the hell can tolerate 3.5 hours of being talked down to, having the painfully obvious explained to us 5 times over in excruciating detail, and routine butchering of names, places, facts, dates, situations, etc.? Awful would be a charitable description for that pair. And then Fox throws Sour Lou Piniella in the booth, in case we all wanted to hear heavy breathing and moaning without the giddy thrill of prank calling.

And then there’s Scooter, the poorly animated baseball that talks like someone just grabbed his balls and twisted. Thank you Scooter, for explaining to me what a ‘fastball’ is. Baseball has only existed for 130 years, I don’t know how else I could’ve discovered that a ‘fastball’ is a straight ball that goes fast. If Fox wants to run crap like this, then simulcast the game on Fox Family and do it there.

Last, the camera work. How many times during the entire series did Fox pan out from behind home plate to show the defensive alignment? Never, because it was more important to show us EVERY SINGLE FAN IN THE STADIUM TEN TIMES EACH, or zoom in 1000% on Brandon Backe’s nose hair. Hey look, there’s the entire cast of “Whore Swap” freezing their fake tits off in that 65 degree Houston winter.

You suck Fox, and no I won’t watch an all new Prison Break starring Jick McJackass.

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