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Archive for the ‘2006’ Category

Originally written Dec 8, 2006

A honeymooning couple signs up for a “bargain all inclusive river cruise.”

On the day of their honeymoon, the couple arrives at the dock for their river cruise. They are each tied down to a single log and sent floating down the river. The wife is horrified and angry, and the husband is looking for any silver lining to redeem the situation.

He looks over and sees another log, and there is a Cleveland Browns fan tied down to the log, floating downstream aimlessly, and he is in the same predicament.

The husband calls out to the fan, “Do you know if there is there any food on this cruise?”

And the Browns fan says, “Well, there wasn’t last year.”

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Originally written Nov 27, 2006

Michael Irvin apologizes for saying last week that Dallas Cowboys’ quarterback Tony Romo’s athletic ability must be the result of an African-American heritage, insinuating that Romo’s ancestors were involved with “slave brothers”.

What does this asshole have to do to get fired?

  • Being terrible at his job wasn’t enough
  • Dressing like a colorblind circus clown wasn’t enough
  • Acting like TO’s personal ass-buddy, and defending his actions to ridiculous lengths, wasn’t enough
  • Getting arrested, REPEATEDLY, on drug possession charges wasn’t enough
  • Now he is puking out racist comments, and that won’t be enough

If Michael Irvin lights an Asian midget on fire, calls him a “toasty little Chink” and punts him into the Schwab’s Buddha belly, would he be fired? Don’t count on it.

If Michael Irvin tried to use Chris Berman’s empty head as a giant bong by cramming pot into one ear and sucking on the other ear while holding a lighter under Berman’s nose, would he be fired? Hell, he might be promoted.

If Michael Irvin propositioned Andrea Kremer for “a lapper” live on the air, and then pimp slapped her when she refused, would he be fired? ESPN might give him an ownership share in the company.

Time to cancel “The Playmaker”, ESPN.

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Originally written Nov 15, 2006

First, read this:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/15/simpsoninterview.ap/index.html

Now, take a few minutes to brush your teeth until that taste of throwing up in your mouth is gone.

Better? OK, moving on…

What would be the ultimate ironic death for OJ Simpson?

Here are some ideas to get the ball rolling:

1. Trapped under a 1986 Ford Bronco that is going 5 mph –OR– run over by the Hertz shuttle at the airport

2. Everything that happened to him in “The Naked Gun” happens to him in real life, culminating in a flight from the upper deck of the LA Angels stadium

3. Struck by an errant shot on the golf course, while “looking for the real killer”

4. Drowned in a flood of orange juice

5. Crushed by a Brinks truck while crossing the street (since money is obviously his only motivation)

6. Smooshed by a massive ball of frozen human excrement that had been jettisoned from an airplane

OK, that last one wouldn’t be ironic, just hilarious.

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Originally written Nov 14, 2006

The paragraph below was lifted from an op-ed piece on Fox Sports website:

“Knight has thrown chairs across the court, thrown a photographer into the bushes, kicked his son and shoved a fan of an opposing team into a garbage can. He twisted the arm of an Indiana freshman and cursed at him for addressing him as “Hey, Knight” instead of “Mr. Knight” or “Coach Knight.”

Wait, was that supposed to make me hate Bob Knight? Because it actually made me like him more, maybe want to invite him over for dinner.

I wish Bob Knight would dump that reporter in a garbage can. In fact, I would pay $40 to see Bob Knight slam Jeremy Schaap into one of those old metal garbage cans, turn the can on its side, and kick it down a really steep hill full of rocks. Make that $50.

Shut the fuck up Fox Sports, and every other channel that sent out their biggest blubbering vagina reporters to cover this huge non-story.

Bob Knight is completely nuts, he also happens to be one of the most successful college coaches ever. And Texas Tech players CHOOSE to play there, it’s not like there’s no other options.

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Fast food sizing options

Originally written Nov 6, 2006

Sunday for lunch, I’m feeling lazy so I decide to go to Burger King & pick up something. Had the following exchange with the drive thru order taker:

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Me: I’ll have [whatever I ordered, some mess involving bacon and like 9 hamburger patties stacked up]

BK: What size would you like? Large, King, or Jumbo/Hero/Champion? (I forget what the 3rd size was, you get the point)

Me: …um, which one of those choices is like a “medium” size?

BK: [really snotty voice] There is no “medium”, sir, would you like large, king, or god-emperor size?

Me: [sounding like Jim Mora discussing playoffs] I don’t know what the hell those sizes mean! What the hell happened to small, medium, and large? I want whatever size comes in-between your smallest option, and your largest option. Why is that so hard to understand?

BK: …so you want a King size then?

Me: I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE! I don’t know what is going to give me a heart attack first, your shitty food or your train wreck of an ordering system.

BK: Sir, please don’t swear at me-

Me: [interrupting] I can’t believe I’m the first person to swear at you. Must be a slow day.

BK: [stunned silence]

Me: I’m sorry I got angry, please accept my King-sized apology. (this apparently was funny, I could hear the manager laughing in the background)

BK: [really pissy] your total is $X.XX please pull around.

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This episode was partially my fault, because I forgot that Burger King goes out of their way to hire some of the dumbest fucking people on the planet. The kind of employee you have to rotate three times a day so they face the sun.

That being said…what happened to sizing options at fast food restaurants? Is this because of Starbucks? Did I miss a meeting or something? When did it become necessary to make every food option an ego boost? “I’ll have that Hero-sized, because I AM A FUCKING HERO.” Please.

People are fat enough in this country, I say the largest size available should be an insult not a compliment. “I’ll have the cheeseburger combo, and could you fatass-size that for me?”

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Originally written Nov 1, 2006

YouTube clip of the day: Tank Abbott destroys some bitch in a UFC match, then when the guy is down breaks his jaw just for fun, then when the guy is unconscious with a shattered jaw, Tank decides to make fun of him.

Tank Abbott has to be a first ballot member of the “insane hard ass” hall of fame. Watching this guy fight, you get the impression that a close range shotgun blast to the chest would tickle him, he might giggle, and that would be about it. Then he would shove the gun up your ass and fire it out your open mouth, pulling on your dick for the trigger. This guy needs one parachute, two sticks of beef jerky, and a bottle of Tobasco sauce and he would have Iraq sorted out in 45 minutes.

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Originally written Oct 27, 2006

Flipping channels at 11 PM last night, I came across an SNL from two years ago…and the host was Lindsay Lohan. Right after Mean Girls* came out, when she was still a few weeks shy of 18 years old. This was only TWO YEARS AGO.

If the first sketch (a spoof on Harry Potter where Lohan plays Hermione) doesn’t give you a near painful erection, then thank you for reading this, Lance Bass. Even Jimmy Fallon made it through the sketch without laughing too much, probably because he didn’t have any blood in his head. (It’s probably on YouTube but I’m too lazy to search for the link, find it yourself)

I had pretty much come to terms with Lohan’s evolution from “ridiculously hot” to “enchanted skeleton”, until I saw that sketch.

Two years ago, Lindsay Lohan was so hot it made my teeth hurt. Now you can find pictures of her all over the Internet revealing her mosquito bite titties and her mangled hoo-ha, and nobody even cares because she looks like a pile of kindling coated in whitewash. Two years ago, I would’ve pushed your grandmother down a flight of stairs to see Lohan’s titties…now I won’t even move the mouse 2″ to the left to click on a link.

We need to get Ethan Albright to bring down the thunder here. Lindsay Lohan is not a lost cause, she’s only 19/20 years old. Tie her down, run her though detox, cram in some Twinkies, some whole milk…the world needs your hotness old Lindsay. Do it for the children.

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*about Mean Girls: this might be the most watchable chick flick ever. Not because of any stupid crap like a real story or good acting…this movie has Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, and some chick named Lizzy Caplan all at their absolute smoking hot apexes. Go. Rent. Now.

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