Archive for the ‘2007’ Category

Originally written Dec 18, 2007

…regular Ravens fans. Which is a HUGE accomplishment.

http://www.abc2news.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=6f5 ed726-97f9-4c70-848c-d7580ac32ca2

Some douchebag in Baltimore is living on the roof of a bar until the Ravens win a game.

1. If you are a crazy asshole you don’t get to make up your own nickname. You just keep being a crazy asshole, leave the nicknaming to the sane people. Instead of “Goof on the Roof” how about “Fucker on the Cover” or “Shit for Brains on the Open Range” or “Retard on the Rain Guard”. Something like that.

2. The quote in that article from the bartender makes it really clear why this guy was allowed to pull this dumbass stunt in the first place. Clearly he is surrounded by imbeciles and mental patients. Read that quote out loud to yourself – if you ever heard someone speaking that insanely, you would drive a stake through their heart just to be on the safe side.

3. We need a word stronger than “unemployed” to describe people like this.

4. “it’s easy to be a Ravens fan (when the team is) 13 and 3, but when you’re 4 and 10 and you’re showing support like Ronnie’s doing, that’s a true Ravens fan.” Pardon my French, but fuck you in the pockets you pompous assclown. You’ve had a team for seven years and already won a Super Bowl; it’s not like you’re working through layers of anguish there.

I hope somebody sneaks onto this roof at midnight Christmas Eve and poops on his chest. One of those Chipotle poops where it burns like hell and smells like pain.


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Joe Thomas pt. 2

Originally written Dec 17, 2007

CLEVELAND – To celebrate the Browns’ victory on Sunday, rookie left tackle Joe Thomas reportedly broke into a wildlife shelter and ripped a live buffalo in half with his bare hands. Thomas then proceeded to eat and drink a bunch of the random colorful shit that poured out of the poor broken animal. The buffalo’s head and spine were never recovered.

It is speculated that Thomas also has the following head/spine trophies mounted in his garage and/or rec room:

* 2 Ravens
* 1 Dolphin
* 1 Ram
* 1 Seahawk
* 1 Texan (the poor bastard)
* 4 rows of seats from a 747 jet that disappeared from New York 2 weeks ago
* 1 Bengal tiger, with room for one more

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Phil Dawson

Originally written Dec 17, 2007

Ever been out shoveling snow and accidentally banged your foot against something that is frozen? Because your foot is cold it hurts 10x worse than it normally would.

Ever kicked a frozen football 49 yards through a foot of snow in a 40 mph wind, with 11 monsters running at you from 15 feet away trying to kill you?

Phil Dawson has.


If you watch that video and you’re not impressed…I don’t know what to tell you.

And ohbytheway, for Marshawn Lynch and Trent “California” Edwards’ benefit…the guy who kicked that field goal was born and raised in FLORIDA, and went to college in TEXAS. Susans.

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Joe Thomas

Originally written Dec 17, 2007

I may feel conflicted about Jamal Lewis, but there’s no conflict about Joe Thomas.

From John Clayton’s column today:

“In an interesting sidelight, the Browns’ offense came out without sleeves to show their toughness. Left tackle Joe Thomas said it was a statement by Browns offensive linemen.”

I can only assume after saying this that Thomas immediately selected a lucky child from the crowd, smashed him accordian-style like an old beer can against his forehead, and then threw him into the sun.

Joe Thomas might be my 2007 Man Crush of the Year. What a beast.

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Jamal Lewis

Originally written Dec 17, 2007

The Browns’ march to the playoffs this year has put me in one of the most awkward positions a sports fan can be in: rooting for a player that you absolutely HATED before he joined your team.

When he was with the Ravens, I just flat-out hated Jamal Lewis. When he ran for 295 yards in one game against the Browns in 2003, it almost made me physically ill. In 2005 when he went to jail for cocaine trafficking, I basked in his personal suffering.

Now its 2007, and he is running people down like nobody has done in a Browns uniform since…(hold on, I am choking on this comparison)…since Kevin Mack in the late 80’s.

Look at the past two weeks:

Week 14 @NYJ – 21 carries, 118 yds, 5.6 ypc, 1 TD, 3 bitches carried into the endzone

Week 15 BUF – 33 carries, 163 yds, 4.6 ypc in a blinding snowstorm, 1 football shoved up Marv Levy’s ass sideways

Baltimore gave up on this guy because they thought he was breaking down physically, and now he is getting 33 carries in mid-December against an 8-man front all day long.

I’m still trying to move past those Jamal Lewis scars on my sports fan psyche, but Sunday’s game helped that process a lot!


Footnote to the Jamal Lewis-Kevin Mack connection: Both served jail time for cocaine related crimes when they were 27 years old. Yikes.

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Tom Brady

Originally written Dec 13, 2007

If Tom Brady could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia of the eyes, that would be awesome.

If a biker could just fuck that into his skull, that would be great.

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Cougars and Kittens

Originally written Dec 7, 2007

I have been in [redacted] for two months now, and until today I hadn’t seen anything that even remotely resembled a woman. Northern Wisconsin grows ’em short, thick, and heinously ugly. At one point I asked a co-worker “Was there a Chernobyl incident up here 20 years ago that the Reagan administration covered up?”

I’m in the break room this morning cooking up a fresh batch of Pissed Off Juice (that’s 2x the recommended amount of coffee in a pot), and in walks a REALLY attractive woman. She wasn’t just attractive because her local competition looks like the bad guys in Lord of the Rings…genuinely attractive. Probably in her mid 20’s, blond/blue, 5’6″-ish and athletic, nice rack, etc.

So we’re making small talk, which I can barely do because my mind is just spinning at the first talent sighting I’ve had in forever. And in walks ANOTHER attractive woman – only this one’s a cougar. Probably mid 40’s, blond/blue, 5’3″-ish and athletic, nice rack..in fact, she sorta looks like…

And the younger one says…

“Hi mom”

The next 30 seconds or so are just kind of gone — my mind’s little black box just forgot to record anything that happened. Maybe Tyler Durden took over, I can’t say for sure. All I remember is a choir of angels, four gallons of endorphins, tiny cartoon devil on my shoulder laughing evilly, and that “BOING-OING-G-G” sound effect from old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Which leads to the question: Where does a “Couger-Kitten” mother-daughter conquest rate on the list of amazing sex accomplishments? What about a Cougar-Kitten threesome?

If I had a threesome with the C-K combo that I met today, I would have a sash printed that would say “Cougar Kitten Champion – 2007”. Or maybe a WWE championship belt that I could sling over my shoulder. Whichever, I would wear it all the time and would refer to it in conversation at least once every 90 seconds.

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