Archive for the ‘2009’ Category

Cleveland 13, Pittsburgh 6

* Thanks again, NFL Network and Time Warner, for depriving me of the chance to see maybe the only Browns game worth watching this year. Nice to know that the ongoing pissing match over who gets to steal more from my wallet couldn’t be resolved amicably. We need The American Jesus to host another beer summit to get to the bottom of this.

* Of course you always have the option to watch the game on NFL.com, if you don’t mind two minutes of game footage followed by 15 minutes of a studio segment featuring lobotomy patients dressed like Cirque de Soleil rejects discussing something that vaguely sounds like football. Whoever designed the NFL.com coverage of Thursday night football deserves to be beaten unconscious with a sack of Valencia oranges and thrown naked into the shower at Upstate Prison for Horny Well Endowed Men.

* On that 35 yard Wildcat run last night, Josh Cribbs showed why he is more than just another burnin’ returner. After he turned the corner and headed upfield, one of the Steelers secondary players tried to wrap up Cribbs around the knees. Instead of folding and falling, Cribbs made like he was trying to get dogshit off his boots and stomped right through the guy. If Cleveland has anyone left in their offices who can count past ten without wearing sandals, they will lock up Cribbs long term.

* At the end of Chris Jennings’ ten yard touchdown run, some sad sack Steelers player got hit so hard by Jennings that he almost did a cartwheel. That wasn’t exactly Christian Okoye that ran you down there, Susan B Steeler. Maybe next time you can call for tackling help by blowing your rape whistle.

* Mike Tomlin’s normal facial expression is terrifyingly intense. So what happens to him when he’s pushing a hard deuce? Does he have to cover his eyes to keep them from flying out of his head?

* Best moment from the postgame coverage: Kordell Stewart on ESPN News trying to articulate how embarrassing this was for the Steelers, only he is so bad at talking that he veered off topic midsentence. Repeat: Slash stopped listening to himself…in the middle of his own sentence. When he finished rambling aimlessly through the dense forest of stupidity that comprises his minute-to-minute thoughts, nobody on the set at ESPN even knew what to say next. They all had these looks on their faces like “What the fuck was that?!?” That footage should be in the next PSA about concussions.

* This is exactly what teams that are truly lousy every year do: suck horribly until they are out of the playoffs, then win a string of meaningless games and play themselves out of a top five draft pick. Hooray for history repeating itself in Cleveland!


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Vending Machine Madness

To the guy who was in front of me at the vending machine today:

How in the hell did you get all the way to the vending machine without knowing what you intended to purchase? What were you so busy thinking about on the way from your desk to the break room that distracted you from making this decision? Should we expect a plan for peace in the Middle East or a cure for H1N1 to be coming from your office soon? I don’t take one fucking step away from my desk and I know exactly what I’m getting from the vending machine.

Even if you somehow managed to arrive in front of the vending machine without knowing what you wanted, how GOD DAMN LONG can it possibly take to process the 20 or so available options and choose one? It’s a vending machine, not a fucking tax return. You can have salt, sugar, chocolate, healthy crap that nobody ever eats anyway, or stale gum. Just fucking pick something or get the hell out of the way so people who actually have their shit together can get their snacky.

If our society didn’t have rules I would’ve kicked you in the small of your back hard enough to knock you right through the fucking glass. Then I would’ve picked a candy bar out of your face and taken $5 out of your wallet as payment for the two minutes of my life you cost me while you stood there staring like sedated livestock, hoping against hope that the vending machine would somehow do the hard work of making a selection for you. Stupid fucking simpleton.

(Yes, all Browns fans are this keyed up right now. I’d rather not talk about it.)

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From last week’s game: Adrian Peterson catches a short pass and has just enough time to turn up field and trample Pittsburgh safety William Gay like a rampaging elephant running over a helpless zookeeper.

The only way AP could have made that domination more complete is if they stopped the game so he could pull down Gay’s pants and screw that football into his ass like a light bulb.

Technically I think the Pittsburgh police could issue AP a ticket for littering. You can’t just leave your discarded garbage anywhere you please, Mr. Peterson! Throw that safety in the trash when you’re done with him. YOU’RE MAKING NATIVE AMERICANS CRY.

Since the NFL already has penalties when players break the rules, they need to add bonuses for when something like this happens. Instead of a yellow flag they could throw a green flag at the spot of the amazingness. Then the referee would announce something like “Roughing the defense, number 28 offense. Five yards will be added to the end of the run. First down.”

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1. Josh Cribbs is now the starting quarterback, and the new offense is 100% from the Wildcat formation. Throw out the entire playbook and start over with everything based out of this formation.

1B.Promote Jerome Harrison to starting tailback, as Jamal Lewis would be useless in the Wildcat.
1C. Trade Derek Anderson for whatever value we can get.
1D. Train Brady Quinn to run the Wildcat as the backup, then trade him in the offseason as well.

2. No punting, field goals, or extra point kicks. Run four downs on every offensive series and go for two after every touchdown. Kickers are a wasteful extravagance, and they are often smelly foreigners to boot. Win lose or fail, the new Browns will be BALLS TO THE FUCKING WALL.

3. Recruit offensive lineman from the Japanese sumo wrestling circuit. Ever seen those guys in action? They’re 400+ lbs, and their sport demands agility and hand-eye coordination in the same way that being a good offensive lineman demands those things. Loin cloths would be optional.

4. Recruit at least one failed basketball project who is over seven feet tall to be the new short yardage tight end. His only job will be to run 3-5 yards off the line and post up so Cribbs can throw the ball up to him like a high rebound. The guy would probably have to be at least 260 lbs so he doesn’t get jammed off the line.

5. In the 2010 draft, pick Tim Tebow. Next season’s backfield will be some combination of Cribbs, Tebow, Jerome Harrison and a big fullback for goal line situations.

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Have you ever gone into a public restroom to wash your hands and they have those hands-free soap dispensers? It’s got a motion sensor that will dispense soap when your hands move under the tap, so they don’t end up with a soap dispenser coated in other people’s poop-loaf germs.

Ever tried to use one of those hands-free soap dispensers, only it doesn’t acknowledge that you’re there? You stand there like a street mime waving your arms around in front of the sink hoping to somehow get the electronic eye to notice you, but it never does. So then you move away to the next sink…and right after you step away that soap dispenser fires off a milky white stream into the sink that would make Peter North jealous. The whole experience makes you just want to jam both arms into the shitter and then slap the building maintenance manager in the face with your icky toilet water hands. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDS-FREE SYSTEM NOW, FUCKO!

This is exactly how it felt being a Browns fan after the Braylon Edwards trade. We installed that wide receiver as an upgrade, and he worked well for one season. So we kept waving our hands under that wide receiver, expecting continued production, but suddenly he wasn’t producing. Then, as soon as we gave up and moved to the next wide receiver he unveils these amazing sticky glue hands and actually plays like he cares. For the last 1.5 seasons in Cleveland the guy can’t catch a five yard curl route; now he makes leaping catches over his outside shoulder 30 yards down field while pirouetting the sideline like a fucking Russian ballet dancer?!?

Shove your rediscovered work ethic right up your freshly bleached asshole, Braylon Barishnikov. I hope LeBron joins the Knicks in 2010, buys a house right next to yours, and fucks your girlfriend in the upstairs picture window where you can see/hear/smell everything.

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Braylon Edwards got into an argument, punched the owner of a Cleveland nightclub in the wee hours following Epic Failure Vol. IV of the 2009 Browns season.


First of all, the guy that got jacked went to the hospital with a black eye, a cut, and…a headache? If you are a professional football player you should be able to do a hell of a lot more damage than that with a punch. When Joe Thomas punched that guy a few years ago, the police never found the guy’s fucking head. They just treated it like a shotgun wound because they couldn’t figure out any other way to splatter someone’s brains on a vaulted ceiling like that.

It probably feels like a soothing massage when Braylon punches you. All those footballs sliding through his hands have probably filed away any calluses or rough spots that were there. Like rubbing your face with smooth silk. How about a little less time in the nightclubs and a little more time with the Jugs machine there, GQ Edwards. Or if you’re gonna jam up some ghetto garbage at 2:30 in the morning at least learn how to throw hands so you can lay the guy out.

Based on Mangini’s $1,700 fine of an unnamed player for taking a $3 bottle of water from a hotel without paying for it, I assume Braylon will be fined eleventy billion dollars and the deeds to Park Place and the B & O Railroad for his involvement in this little incident.

I’m actually glad the original Browns left for Baltimore, because if Ray Lewis had to play for this team there would be a string of sewn-together dead hookers festooning city hall like Christmas lights every Monday morning.

Mark your calendars now for Oct 11th – Cleveland at Buffalo. That game should be like two obese people fucking on a vibrating hotel bed. Eventually, by sheer accident, someone will find the right hole and stuff it in, but it will be a long sweaty painful process to get there and nobody will be satisfied in the end.

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From ESPN.com today: Browns rookie CB Coye Francies was pranked by some of the veterans in the secondary, and basically lost his shit and started throwing ice, punches, and possibly punch-flavored Icee’s all over the place.


First of all, whenever you see stories like this about your favorite team your first phone call should be to Las Vegas to bang the “under” on number of wins for the season. There is no way in hell any team that has crap like this going on behind the scenes wins more than four games.

That having been said…thank God someone in the Browns locker room is pissed off about something. If I had to call Brandon McDonald or Mike Adams a “veteran” I would probably start throwing punches too. Brandon McDonald hasn’t earned the right to haze Ronald McDonald, let alone an NFL player.

“Before he could be stopped, Francies tossed the ice on cornerback Brandon McDonald, hitting him with cubes and covering the floor.”

That bucket of ice was the first damn thing that Brandon McDonald has stopped this season. Adrian Peterson showed up 30 minutes later just to stiff-arm McDonald face down into the pile of ice on the floor.

“Welcome to the Browns locker room!” wide receiver Braylon Edwards hollered as players rushed over to check on the commotion.

Thanks for fiddling while Rome burns there, Braylon. It’s a good thing he didn’t throw the ice at you because there is no way you would’ve caught any of it, and some of it might have screwed up your French manicure and caused you to miss 6-8 weeks and have to cancel your next GQ shoot, ASSBAG.

I love that Shaun Rogers broke up the fracas by grabbing Francies and dragging him out of the locker room. The fact that Shaun Rogers, a 400 lb toilet clogging machine who is about as quick as frozen maple syrup in January, is still quicker than one of our CB’s says all you need to know about the 2009 Browns secondary. I bet once they were in the hallway, instead of talking Rogers just chomped his mouth like King Hippo until Francies inserted a whole chicken to placate him.

Quote from defensive coordinator Rob Ryan:

“They’re starting to care for each other. We’re coming together. I can see it.”

Maybe you should get your fucking eyes checked Rob, because all I see is a bunch of future CFL players throwing things at each other in a locker room. Baghdad Bob thinks you’re fucking kidding yourself asshole.

As of right now Vegas has the Ravens at –13.5 and if any of you has more than 35 cents in your pocket you need to jump on this. The Ravens could get shut out and still win by two touchdowns against this mountain of elephant excrement that is the 2009 Browns. I’m seriously thinking that the Browns could be penalized two touchdowns for shitty play and end up with –14 points. After which Rob Ryan will declare the game to be a glorious victory, and hopefully Coye Francies will punch him with a brick of ice.

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