Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Minnesota GM David Kahn spends five minutes with Chris Webber trying to explain how he is changing the Timberwolves for the better by serving breakfast (seriously), trading away Al Jefferson, and signing Darko Milicic to a long-term deal.

http://www.nba.com/video/channels/nba_tv/2010/07/14/kahn_intv.nba/index.html

(There’s no reason to watch because it’s just NBA summer league footage – just listen to the audio)

The amount of basketball stupid demonstrated here is so thick you could drizzle it over pancakes. You could almost freeze that much stupid into bricks and build your own stupid igloo.

Right around the midpoint of this clip, Kahn compares Darko’s career to Chris Webber’s career once he joined the Sacramento Kings. Two hilarious things about this:

  1. It’s a complete whiff; C Webb was a 20-10 stud for at least three seasons before that trade.
  2. C Webb is immediately and obviously pissed off by this comparison.

Just drink in the awkward tension from about 3:30 forward, culminating in Webber dropping a “Good Luck” in the last 20 seconds that will certainly be in consideration for the 2010 Outstanding Achievement in Broadcasting Sarcasm award that I wish existed. Webber seriously could have stood up and farted in Kahn’s face and it would’ve been about the same statement.

Advertisements

KFC Hates You

Masochists and fat fetishists rejoice: KFC is introducing a new sandwich — the “Double Down” – which is bacon, cheese and mayonnaise in between two fried chicken patties instead of bread.

http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/kfcs-double-down-ups-ante-on-food-porn/19433996

Honestly, why didn’t KFC just call it the “FUCK YOU AMERICA” sandwich and put two middle fingers on the box? The only thing in that picture that even remotely looks like it might have come from somewhere in nature is the cardboard sleeve.

Did KFC’s corporate chef just start randomly feeding farm animals into a giant meat grinder until this sandwich came out the other side? We’ve got pig, cow, and chicken represented here (2x for chicken if you count the eggs in the mayonnaise). You could drive a monster truck through a zoo firing SAW guns out the sides and do less damage to the animal kingdom.

If enough people start eating things like this, we can get rid of toilets entirely because nobody will ever make it to the bathroom before their colon just gives up and locks in the “open shutter” position. Sales of adult diapers and Preparation H pads will explode.

I love how schizophrenic KFC’s menu is. Hey lets slim down our mascot, drop “Fried” from our name, and offer grilled chicken…while we continue to sell Famous Bowls and add the Double Down sandwich.

Definitive commentary on KFC Famous Bowls courtesy of Patton Oswalt

It’s like KFC is daring you to try and figure out what the hell they are doing. And it’s hard to think when you’re laboring to breathe after taking five steps or saying a long word, and your man-tits are heaving and you can hear your heart straining to push all that fat through those tiny arteries.

I actually feel sick just thinking about this sandwich while writing about it. Eating that dumpster fire should be on the final exam for Green Berets – if you survive that, combat should be a breeze.

From the Kansas City Royals’ spring training camp – Gil Meche is dissolving faster than the guy who opened the Ark in that Indiana Jones movie. After his last start, his cock fell off in the shower. Frankly, the Royals are partially to blame here – they never should’ve let him use that radioactive pen to sign his $55 million contract.

(No, really. Gil Meche makes $55 million. Look it up.)

Anyway, because the Royals are a depressing Cirque du Malaise of washed-up has-beens, Japanese league drop outs, no curveball hitting Pedro Cerranos and California Penal League MVP’s they don’t have a lot of appealing options to fill Meche’s spot in the rotation.

So they are turning to… Kyle Farnsworth!

http://www.kansascity.com/2010/03/26/1838549/royals-set-contingency-plans-in.html

This is great news for fans of random sports violence because Kyle Farnsworth is a C- pitcher but he is an A+ basebrawler. This guy goes from 0 to 60 faster than a Ferrari 458 Italia. When it’s go time he doesn’t even waste time with punches – he just throws himself at people like an angry goateed missile.

The Royals have inadvertently provided the casual baseball fan with a great reason to watch every fifth Royals game for the first month of the season. If Farnsworth gets squeezed, will he kamikaze the home plate umpire and Krav Maga the guy’s crotch into oatmeal? Instead of pick off throws to first will he just run over and try to beat the baserunner to death with a sharpened cleat? Will he give the batboy a concrete toothbrush on the dugout steps after a bad outing?

Nothing is out of reach anymore.

The 2010 KC Royals – at least it won’t be boring!

Literally hours after cutting Derek Anderson, the Browns are now shopping Brady Quinn.

You want Brady Quinn? Fuck it, he’s all yours. He comes with a pallet of Myoplex, a sun bleached whore girlfriend, and a raft of Notre Dame apologists.

I’m tired of the player carousel through Cleveland. I’m tired of jackasses (Winslow, Hillbilly Anderson and his moonshine jug, Cocaine Jamal Lewis, etc) playing poorly and blaming everyone except themselves. I’m tired of watching boneheaded play calling executed by CFL-caliber players. I’m tired of locker room fights, $1700 hotel water bottle fines, Adrian Peterson stiff-arming CB’s into next week, ESPN’s genuine surprise when the Browns actually win a game. I’m tired of being told how lousy Browns fans are; like most NFL fan bases, we have a vocal minority making the whole group look bad.

I’m dreading the draft because the Browns have 11 draft picks and if history tells us anything they will fuck up 10 of them. I’m dreading Seneca Wallace sucking horribly next season while Josh Cribbs takes 197 fair catches because he got his big contract and doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m dreading Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn getting a shot in Seattle, Arizona, Buffalo or Carolina and having a really good season. I’m dreading another season of defense that consistently and thoroughly shits the bed at every critical moment. Kickers who can’t kick, punters who can’t punt, coaches who can’t coach.

I’m getting to the point of just becoming a generic NFL fan and rooting for my gambling interest and/or fantasy football interests.

Those Derek Anderson quotes really pissed in my Cheerios this morning, I have been in a horrible God damn mood all day. Fuck all of these overpaid entitled pricks playing a child’s game for a living and whining like pussies when their magical fairy tale world doesn’t turn out just perfectly while I bust my hump in Asshole, Wisconsin then drive my shitty Hyundai home at night and masturbate dreaming about the pussy that these guys throw away because it’s not tight enough (or in Big Ben’s case, he rapes it ’till it can’t move). People getting paid $1 million a year to carry a clipboard and watch football games for four months a year should wake up every morning and give God a thank you blowjob that they don’t have to put up with all the day-to-day bullshit that the rest of us have to deal with. Boo hoo, people cheered when my knee broke, GET FUCKED YOU SPOILED BRAT.

To quote Brady Quinn’s Myoplex commercial, “Now I’m done”.

In response to the following quote from Derek Anderson after being released by the Browns on March 9th:

“The fans are ruthless and don’t deserve a winner. I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn’t great. I hope and pray I’m playing when my team comes to town and [we] roll them.”

To the Moose from Scappoose,

To a quarterback who played great when absolutely nothing was expected of him and crumbled like a Catholic priest in the boys locker room when games actually mattered. To the man who lost training camp battles to Charlie “The Frye Cook” Frye and Mary Myoplex Milkshake. To the man who gave us the “2 for 17” game and a 42.1 QB rating for the 2009 season.

Crawl back to the hillbilly stinkwater town that spawned you and resume fucking your sister in the kiddie pool on your front lawn in the shadow of your cinder-blocked 1986 Camaro. They always need shelf stockers at Wal-Mart who can reach the high shelves so that 6’6” frame won’t be a total waste.

Oh, your feelings were hurt because the fans cheered when you got injured? Those Browns fans weren’t cheering the fact that you got injured; they were cheering the fact that the coaches finally had an excuse to bench your sorry ass.

You don’t have to like football fans but you do have to kiss their ass even if they don’t deserve it because they pay your salary and determine your commercial viability for endorsement contracts. Those of us who work in real 8-5 jobs already know that we can’t blow up the guy who signs our checks, just like we know that only a backwater moosefucker such as yourself burns bridges with former employers.

I really hope you catch on somewhere else just so we can see you fail again and completely vindicate the Walrus for cutting you. If that doesn’t happen, the CFL is always looking for QB’s who lock onto one receiver, wait three seconds too long, then throw into triple coverage. They love those fuckin’ guys up there like poutine and greasy meats.

Quote from Phil Savage in Dec 27, 2007 ESPN article:

“The tighter the game gets, the looser he is. That’s a great quality to have.”

Holy crap does that quote speak volumes about both men in hindsight. Here’s a hint, Phil: he’s always loose because he’s too stupid to know what is going on around him. You think it’s a great quality because you have no idea what a great quality in a football player is. Fuck you both with a jab saw.

Cheers,

~CF

The IOC has their panties wadded up because the Canadian women’s hockey team celebrated winning the gold medal by smoking cigars and drinking beer on the ice, after fans had left the arena.

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/vancouver/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/IOC-to-investigate-Canadian-women-s-hockey-team-?urn=oly,224338

Two words for the IOC: shut the fuck up.

Good to know that the IOC is more concerned about people having a private celebration in an empty arena than they are about the giant tube of ice that has turns where the lugers fly off at 85 mph and smash face-first into steel girders.

Good thing this is a bigger priority than steroids and blood doping; some of the “women” in these games have upside-down space shuttles in their fucking spandex for Christ sakes.

Good thing this is a bigger deal than judges rigging subjective events like figure skating so the “favorites” (handjob givers?) do better regardless of whether their performance is any good or not. That’s not a sport, it’s fucking kabuki theater with hissy fits and male leg shaving.

Gilbert Felli sounds like the kind of guy whose burps sound suspiciously like queefs because he is a blubbering gash who has to put a tampon in his mouth five days a month.

I actually hope the IOC tries to sanction the Canadians for this; let’s see if these pudding-dicked bureaucrats can get to the airport alive after pissing off an entire country of the most passionate hockey fans on Earth. The Gilbert Felli 1000 meter dash through Vancouver International Airport while Bob Probert tries to scalp him with a hockey skate…now THERE’S a winter Olympic event worth watching.

* Thanks again, NFL Network and Time Warner, for depriving me of the chance to see maybe the only Browns game worth watching this year. Nice to know that the ongoing pissing match over who gets to steal more from my wallet couldn’t be resolved amicably. We need The American Jesus to host another beer summit to get to the bottom of this.

* Of course you always have the option to watch the game on NFL.com, if you don’t mind two minutes of game footage followed by 15 minutes of a studio segment featuring lobotomy patients dressed like Cirque de Soleil rejects discussing something that vaguely sounds like football. Whoever designed the NFL.com coverage of Thursday night football deserves to be beaten unconscious with a sack of Valencia oranges and thrown naked into the shower at Upstate Prison for Horny Well Endowed Men.

* On that 35 yard Wildcat run last night, Josh Cribbs showed why he is more than just another burnin’ returner. After he turned the corner and headed upfield, one of the Steelers secondary players tried to wrap up Cribbs around the knees. Instead of folding and falling, Cribbs made like he was trying to get dogshit off his boots and stomped right through the guy. If Cleveland has anyone left in their offices who can count past ten without wearing sandals, they will lock up Cribbs long term.

* At the end of Chris Jennings’ ten yard touchdown run, some sad sack Steelers player got hit so hard by Jennings that he almost did a cartwheel. That wasn’t exactly Christian Okoye that ran you down there, Susan B Steeler. Maybe next time you can call for tackling help by blowing your rape whistle.

* Mike Tomlin’s normal facial expression is terrifyingly intense. So what happens to him when he’s pushing a hard deuce? Does he have to cover his eyes to keep them from flying out of his head?

* Best moment from the postgame coverage: Kordell Stewart on ESPN News trying to articulate how embarrassing this was for the Steelers, only he is so bad at talking that he veered off topic midsentence. Repeat: Slash stopped listening to himself…in the middle of his own sentence. When he finished rambling aimlessly through the dense forest of stupidity that comprises his minute-to-minute thoughts, nobody on the set at ESPN even knew what to say next. They all had these looks on their faces like “What the fuck was that?!?” That footage should be in the next PSA about concussions.

* This is exactly what teams that are truly lousy every year do: suck horribly until they are out of the playoffs, then win a string of meaningless games and play themselves out of a top five draft pick. Hooray for history repeating itself in Cleveland!