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Posts Tagged ‘Brady Quinn’

Literally hours after cutting Derek Anderson, the Browns are now shopping Brady Quinn.

You want Brady Quinn? Fuck it, he’s all yours. He comes with a pallet of Myoplex, a sun bleached whore girlfriend, and a raft of Notre Dame apologists.

I’m tired of the player carousel through Cleveland. I’m tired of jackasses (Winslow, Hillbilly Anderson and his moonshine jug, Cocaine Jamal Lewis, etc) playing poorly and blaming everyone except themselves. I’m tired of watching boneheaded play calling executed by CFL-caliber players. I’m tired of locker room fights, $1700 hotel water bottle fines, Adrian Peterson stiff-arming CB’s into next week, ESPN’s genuine surprise when the Browns actually win a game. I’m tired of being told how lousy Browns fans are; like most NFL fan bases, we have a vocal minority making the whole group look bad.

I’m dreading the draft because the Browns have 11 draft picks and if history tells us anything they will fuck up 10 of them. I’m dreading Seneca Wallace sucking horribly next season while Josh Cribbs takes 197 fair catches because he got his big contract and doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m dreading Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn getting a shot in Seattle, Arizona, Buffalo or Carolina and having a really good season. I’m dreading another season of defense that consistently and thoroughly shits the bed at every critical moment. Kickers who can’t kick, punters who can’t punt, coaches who can’t coach.

I’m getting to the point of just becoming a generic NFL fan and rooting for my gambling interest and/or fantasy football interests.

Those Derek Anderson quotes really pissed in my Cheerios this morning, I have been in a horrible God damn mood all day. Fuck all of these overpaid entitled pricks playing a child’s game for a living and whining like pussies when their magical fairy tale world doesn’t turn out just perfectly while I bust my hump in Asshole, Wisconsin then drive my shitty Hyundai home at night and masturbate dreaming about the pussy that these guys throw away because it’s not tight enough (or in Big Ben’s case, he rapes it ’till it can’t move). People getting paid $1 million a year to carry a clipboard and watch football games for four months a year should wake up every morning and give God a thank you blowjob that they don’t have to put up with all the day-to-day bullshit that the rest of us have to deal with. Boo hoo, people cheered when my knee broke, GET FUCKED YOU SPOILED BRAT.

To quote Brady Quinn’s Myoplex commercial, “Now I’m done”.

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What a great week to be a Browns fan.

First our illustrious GM, Ron Howard, gets a critical email from a fan and responds with, and I quote:

“Go root for Buffalo – fuck you”.

How did Opie from The Andy Griffith Show get such a potty mouth? Seriously, I’m surprised he didn’t sign the guy to be our new PR rep. We’ve got every other loudmouth malcontent in the greater Erie area under contract, why not one more?

Then there was Sunday’s game against the Texans, quite possibly the saddest display of incompetence and mediocrity since the Butch Davis era. Braylon Edwards…I mean, how can somebody who is paid to catch footballs for a living be so bad at catching footballs? Brady Quinn looked like crap, but pulling him from a game when it was still close made no sense. Why give the keys to the future QB and then put him on a short leash? Crennel is just trying to save his own enormous ass at this point.

After the game, Jamal Lewis did everything short of hiring a skywriter to spell out “OUR OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING” over the stadium. And Jamal may be high on the nose candy, but he also happens to be right. Why the hell doesn’t Chudzinski use Nose Candy Lewis for 25 carries a game? Guys who run like NC Lewis are most effective in the 4th quarter, after they’ve beaten the other team’s D-line to a pulp all day.

Now, in the wake of that 16-6 carnival of awkward interpretive dancing disguised as “football”, Browns fandom is beating the drum for Bill Cohwer in 2009. Let it go, my fellow Dawg Pound members. The Chin isn’t going to come work for this fly-by-night operation. Sargent Slaughter was a success in Pittsburgh because they didn’t panic and change everything once every three months. Until Cleveland’s front office shows some stability and accountability they will never attract proven coaching talent.

Maybe we can hire a retread like Mike Tice. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever written.

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Since I don’t have NFL Network on my cable plan (just like 99.9% of America) I watched the Browns-Broncos game last night on the NFL.com website. A few observations:

  • When the NFL Network shows games online, they don’t show the entire game. They will show maybe 10 mins of game action, then cut back to a studio for 10 mins of pointless conversation, then commercials. Whatever, it still beats the crap out of listening to the game on the radio like I live in the 1930’s or something.
  • The studio team consists of three room temperature IQ’s who apparently huffed aerosols just before airtime because none of them is capable of completing a thought and all of them had the giggles. Basically it was like watching three pre-teen girls at a slumber party minus the pillow fighting. The main host repeatedly referred to Brady Quinn as a “rookie quarterback” and nobody corrected him.
  • NFL.com has a sideline reporter named Randy Moss. He is whiter than a blizzard.
  • Cris Collinsworth is the color commentator for NFL games. If you are not ready to hear the unvarnished truth about your team then you better find the mute button because he blows people the fuck up all over the place. At different points during last night’s game he described Jay Cutler’s passes as “weather balloons”, called the Broncos defense “flat out terrible”, lambasted Soldier Winslow for his offensive pass interference and fumble, and declared that Browns CB Brandon McDonald “played so bad they should just burn his fucking uniform, because it would be a waste of money to use laundry detergent to try and get all the shit stains out of the pants”. Okay, that last one was actually me…but if Collinsworth had said that it wouldn’t have surprised me.
  • Warren Sapp is apparently part of the NFL Network, but I didn’t hear him say 2 words last night. He just sat there looking like a chocolate covered bulldozer in a suit from the Big Band era. At one point during the pointless studio segment they showed Sapp on Dancing With the Stars, and they showed one of the dancers on this show named Julianne Hough because she is sick or something…my laptop shot off my lap, across the room and out the window like an ejector seat from a crashing F15 fighter jet. Try explaining to your neighbors why you are picking up pieces of a shattered laptop off your front lawn at 9:30 PM while your wife screams at you. Google “Julianne Hough” and make sure you aren’t sitting too close to your desk because it will hurt like fuck when your insta-boner smashes into your keyboard tray at 900 mph. Unquestionably the highlight of the game.
  • If you don’t like listening to NFL broadcasters fawn over quarterbacks (Favre, Brett) then you should stay far far away from games involving Brady Quinn. At one point they cut to the booth and Collinsworth was practicing writing “Cris Quinn” and drawing hearts and unicorns on the back of his Trapper Keeper.

About the game itself? Let’s see…Brady Quinn looks pretty good – more mobile than DA; Soldier Winslow finally showed up but still managed to fuck up when it counted; the Browns secondary looked like an old Benny Hill sketch minus the half-naked chicks; Romeo Crennel is still fat and confused; and losing to Denver basically ended any playoff hopes for this year, which frees me up to watch the NBA for the rest of the winter.

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