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Posts Tagged ‘burning stupidity’

Torn Meniscus Pie

Florida Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan tore a meniscus in his knee while attempting to smash a shaving cream pie into Wes Helms’ face during a postgame celebration.

Coghlan is the 2nd MLB player to suffer a serious injury during a postgame celebration this season; Kendry Morales broke his leg jumping on home plate after a walkoff home run at the end of May.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=5412671

First of all, why the hell is any team with a sub-.500 record that plays in front of 300 fans at home games celebrating anything at all?

Second, cream pies? What a stupid ritual. Last year someone tried to give Joe Thomas a surprise shaving cream pie to the face, and he performed the first spontaneous Face-Ass-Ectomy in medical history. Maybe they should smash each other in the face with vitamins or calcium pills instead, since these Nancies can’t even jump without shattering their knees and legs.

I miss the steroids era when guys had legs like tree trunks. Yeah, they had balls like raisins, but that wasn’t MY problem. Mark McGwire’s meniscus was strong enough to chew its own meals AND shit them out.

“[Manager Edwin] Rodriguez said the team addressed excessive celebrating and there will not be any more shaving-cream pie rituals.” That had to be the most exasperating locker room speech ever. I would’ve made it about halfway through before I just ripped my own head off and threw it at someone.

If someone blew out their knee trying to smash a shaving cream pie in my face I would absolutely squat down and fart in their mouth as they writhed on the ground in pain. Hopefully one of those short but powerful blast farts that billow your boxers like a flag in a 70 mph breeze. I bet that would taste like shame.

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Minnesota GM David Kahn spends five minutes with Chris Webber trying to explain how he is changing the Timberwolves for the better by serving breakfast (seriously), trading away Al Jefferson, and signing Darko Milicic to a long-term deal.

http://www.nba.com/video/channels/nba_tv/2010/07/14/kahn_intv.nba/index.html

(There’s no reason to watch because it’s just NBA summer league footage – just listen to the audio)

The amount of basketball stupid demonstrated here is so thick you could drizzle it over pancakes. You could almost freeze that much stupid into bricks and build your own stupid igloo.

Right around the midpoint of this clip, Kahn compares Darko’s career to Chris Webber’s career once he joined the Sacramento Kings. Two hilarious things about this:

  1. It’s a complete whiff; C Webb was a 20-10 stud for at least three seasons before that trade.
  2. C Webb is immediately and obviously pissed off by this comparison.

Just drink in the awkward tension from about 3:30 forward, culminating in Webber dropping a “Good Luck” in the last 20 seconds that will certainly be in consideration for the 2010 Outstanding Achievement in Broadcasting Sarcasm award that I wish existed. Webber seriously could have stood up and farted in Kahn’s face and it would’ve been about the same statement.

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When I switched jobs a little over a year ago, my commute changed from a 5 minute jog across town to a 35 minute highway haul. This change in commutes has opened my eyes to something: people are fucking idiots.

Okay, I knew that before I started driving on the highway every day…but few places make people’s idiocy more obvious than when they are flying along in two tons of steel fueled by combustible chemicals at 70 mph and barely…paying…attention…to what the fuck they are doing.

Case in point: I was cruising in the left lane this morning at 75 mph. A few hundred yards in front of me in the right lane there is a semi being followed closely by an SUV. I get within a few feet of the trailing SUV, and right fucking then the guy decides to pass the semi without bothering to check the left lane first.

After I crushed the brakes to avoid rear-ending this guy, I am stuck behind him while he crawls around the semi. The semi is going 68 mph and this guy is passing at 68.01 mph. And I am…just…simmering to a boiling rage at the sheer assholery on display here.

Once he had passed the semi and moved back into the right lane I pulled up next to him, rolled down my passenger window and politely requested that he TONGUE FUCK A DONKEY’S ASS UNTIL IT SPRAYS BURRO JIZZ IN BOTH OF HIS EYES, SINCE HE OBVIOUSLY HAD NO INTENTION OF USING THOSE EYES TO CHECK HIS FUCKING BLIND SPOT BEFORE CHANGING LANES. HEY COCK WAGON, SEE THOSE SHINY PIECES OF GLASS MOUNTED TO YOUR CAR? THOSE ARE CALLED “MIRRORS” AND IF PROPERLY USED, YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE IF THERE IS ANYONE BEHIND YOU THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO RUN OFF THE ROAD WITH YOUR TANK-SIZED SUV THAT YOU CLEARLY BOUGHT TO COMPENSATE FOR YOUR ELFIN COCK. HOW ABOUT I LET YOUR DAUGHTER THE HONOR STUDENT BRUSH HER TEETH WITH MY DICK ON YOUR FRONT LAWN? CHOKE ON BROKEN GLASS AND DIE, ASSHOLE.

He refused to look over at me – some people are so rude, ignoring an invitation to polite conversation like that.

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Other transgressors of proper highway etiquette:

* Guy who is going slower than you, until you are about to pass him and he speeds up just so you can’t pass. What the fuck does that accomplish?
* Lane drifters. Hey hey hey, pay attention fuckstick! You almost sideswiped my crappy old Hyundai! Wait, maybe these people are OK after all.
* Guy who drives like he is qualifying for a race at Road America, until he sees the cop car parked in the median and stomps the brakes hard enough that anyone who rear-ends him will re-enact a scene from the Dukes of Hazzard. Nicely played ace, I’m sure the cop will have no idea you were speeding when he sees the nose of your car suddenly pitch 30 degrees forward. Dope.
* Prius drivers that give you a condescending look and shake their head slowly at you when you pass them. Choke on your fuel-sipping smugness. I use more gas than you, eat more red meat than you, and kick more ass than you. Get your egg-shaped piece of plastic crap out of the way hippie.

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Originally written Dec 18, 2007

…regular Ravens fans. Which is a HUGE accomplishment.

http://www.abc2news.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=6f5 ed726-97f9-4c70-848c-d7580ac32ca2

Some douchebag in Baltimore is living on the roof of a bar until the Ravens win a game.

1. If you are a crazy asshole you don’t get to make up your own nickname. You just keep being a crazy asshole, leave the nicknaming to the sane people. Instead of “Goof on the Roof” how about “Fucker on the Cover” or “Shit for Brains on the Open Range” or “Retard on the Rain Guard”. Something like that.

2. The quote in that article from the bartender makes it really clear why this guy was allowed to pull this dumbass stunt in the first place. Clearly he is surrounded by imbeciles and mental patients. Read that quote out loud to yourself – if you ever heard someone speaking that insanely, you would drive a stake through their heart just to be on the safe side.

3. We need a word stronger than “unemployed” to describe people like this.

4. “it’s easy to be a Ravens fan (when the team is) 13 and 3, but when you’re 4 and 10 and you’re showing support like Ronnie’s doing, that’s a true Ravens fan.” Pardon my French, but fuck you in the pockets you pompous assclown. You’ve had a team for seven years and already won a Super Bowl; it’s not like you’re working through layers of anguish there.

I hope somebody sneaks onto this roof at midnight Christmas Eve and poops on his chest. One of those Chipotle poops where it burns like hell and smells like pain.

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The tornado drill

Originally written May 24, 2007

Our company had a fire alarm today in the middle of the afternoon. We all pile out of the building, and we’re standing there on the lawn waiting for the fire dept to show up.

One of our new Senior Directors of global marketing walks over to me, and asks “Are we having a tornado drill?”

This guy makes a thick six-figure income, rolls in a BMW 7-Series, wears a Rolex and an Armani suit.

And he asks me, in all seriousness, if we are OUTSIDE…for a TORNADO DRILL.

I like being employed, so I played nice and said something like “Uh, this is a fire drill, we go to the basement for tornado drills.”

What I was thinking was “Yeah, this is a tornado drill. Next time we have a tornado, why don’t you run outside. Be sure to leave the keys to your BMW 7-Series on your desk so I can drive it after you are impaled by a 2×4 going 8,000 mph through your ivy league head.”

Then I would kick him in the nuts.

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Originally written Dec 2, 2005

Deion Sanders, labor relations expert, shares his thoughts on Terrell Owens:

“I feel bad for T.O. It’s not right. Just because a guy won’t say he’s sorry, he’s out of the game of football for the season,” Sanders said. “It’s like someone working a job 9 to 5 and they don’t apologize to their boss, they’re fired. There are so many things that I don’t like about it. A man should be able to work and make an honest living and do what he loves to do.”

Memo to Deion Sanders, from everyone who REALLY works 9 to 5 for a living:

My man, if I signed a contract with my company then one year later demanded an 800% raise…publicly criticized my company, boss, and co-workers…picked a fight with a co-worker…and refused to apologize for any of it, or even PRETEND to be sorry about the situation…YOU BET YOUR SORRY WASHED-UP ASS THEY WOULD FIRE ME. Those of us who live in reality work under a condition known as “employment at will”, which means they can run my ass for a lot less than T.O. has done.

You don’t know shit about 9 to 5 workers, and for that matter you don’t know shit about much of anything. You are a washed up nickel back that should have stayed retired. Go back to dressing like a clown, acting like a clown, and being a clown on the CBS studio show, you fucking clown. You were only mildly irritating then, calling all players “dat dude” because you didn’t do any prep work. I miss that clown.

I can’t believe you called professional football player ‘an honest living’. You wouldn’t know an honest day’s work if it landed on your head and took a shit in your high & tight fade haircut (circa 1991).

Eat shit, Prime Time.

Sincerely,

Everyone who REALLY works 9 to 5 for a living

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