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Posts Tagged ‘compulsive swearing’

When I switched jobs a little over a year ago, my commute changed from a 5 minute jog across town to a 35 minute highway haul. This change in commutes has opened my eyes to something: people are fucking idiots.

Okay, I knew that before I started driving on the highway every day…but few places make people’s idiocy more obvious than when they are flying along in two tons of steel fueled by combustible chemicals at 70 mph and barely…paying…attention…to what the fuck they are doing.

Case in point: I was cruising in the left lane this morning at 75 mph. A few hundred yards in front of me in the right lane there is a semi being followed closely by an SUV. I get within a few feet of the trailing SUV, and right fucking then the guy decides to pass the semi without bothering to check the left lane first.

After I crushed the brakes to avoid rear-ending this guy, I am stuck behind him while he crawls around the semi. The semi is going 68 mph and this guy is passing at 68.01 mph. And I am…just…simmering to a boiling rage at the sheer assholery on display here.

Once he had passed the semi and moved back into the right lane I pulled up next to him, rolled down my passenger window and politely requested that he TONGUE FUCK A DONKEY’S ASS UNTIL IT SPRAYS BURRO JIZZ IN BOTH OF HIS EYES, SINCE HE OBVIOUSLY HAD NO INTENTION OF USING THOSE EYES TO CHECK HIS FUCKING BLIND SPOT BEFORE CHANGING LANES. HEY COCK WAGON, SEE THOSE SHINY PIECES OF GLASS MOUNTED TO YOUR CAR? THOSE ARE CALLED “MIRRORS” AND IF PROPERLY USED, YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE IF THERE IS ANYONE BEHIND YOU THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO RUN OFF THE ROAD WITH YOUR TANK-SIZED SUV THAT YOU CLEARLY BOUGHT TO COMPENSATE FOR YOUR ELFIN COCK. HOW ABOUT I LET YOUR DAUGHTER THE HONOR STUDENT BRUSH HER TEETH WITH MY DICK ON YOUR FRONT LAWN? CHOKE ON BROKEN GLASS AND DIE, ASSHOLE.

He refused to look over at me – some people are so rude, ignoring an invitation to polite conversation like that.

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Other transgressors of proper highway etiquette:

* Guy who is going slower than you, until you are about to pass him and he speeds up just so you can’t pass. What the fuck does that accomplish?
* Lane drifters. Hey hey hey, pay attention fuckstick! You almost sideswiped my crappy old Hyundai! Wait, maybe these people are OK after all.
* Guy who drives like he is qualifying for a race at Road America, until he sees the cop car parked in the median and stomps the brakes hard enough that anyone who rear-ends him will re-enact a scene from the Dukes of Hazzard. Nicely played ace, I’m sure the cop will have no idea you were speeding when he sees the nose of your car suddenly pitch 30 degrees forward. Dope.
* Prius drivers that give you a condescending look and shake their head slowly at you when you pass them. Choke on your fuel-sipping smugness. I use more gas than you, eat more red meat than you, and kick more ass than you. Get your egg-shaped piece of plastic crap out of the way hippie.

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The Cubs shit the bed so completely and thoroughly last night, the bed looks like a cake with 3″ of chocolate frosting on top.

Lets start with the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen from the Cubs in years, and that’s saying something: Hiring a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the dugout with holy water.

Lets spend the entire season marginalizing the notion of a curse, then right before the first playoff game we’ll bring in a FUCKING PRIEST to hose the dugout down with HOLY WATER! What in the blue fuck is that?!? (At least they didn’t use a Catholic priest – guess what he would’ve hosed the dugout down with?)

Then the game starts, and it’s just painfully obvious that Dempster does not have his best stuff. He barely escapes a couple tight spots, then walks 3 straight batters in the 5th inning…WHY WAS NOBODY WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN? Is Lou saving the bullpen for game 6? Dempster walked SEVEN batters in 4.2 innings!!

Watching this on TV, just KNOWING that Dempster’s luck had run out & that he was about to get pounded, it was like getting sudden diahrrea when you’re miles from the nearest bathroom. You just take deep breaths and try not to think about the crippling intestinal pain eviscerating your lower torso. Sure enough, Loney drops a salami on Dempster as CF suffers flashbacks of watching Dempster blow 9 saves in 2006. The F-bomb that I unleashed as that ball was traveling into the center field bleachers was so loud it gave 14 orphans cancer.

And of course, after Loney shoved his bat up Dempster’s ass sideways, Wrigley Field went from a party to a funeral in about .0005 seconds. Gee, I wonder if convincing everyone that we’re cursed and then reinforcing that ass-headed notion by paying a priest to bless the dugout helped?

Later in the game Tom Verducci drops this gem: “Wrigley Field right now reminds me of Fenway Park pre-2004” which caused me to say COCKSUCKER so loud that my dog ran from the room.

And just for good measure, Jason Marquis comes into the game in mop-up duty and promptly gets blown up by Russell Martin. That reminded me of the time I tried to put out a fire by drinking kerosene and pissing everywhere. Thanks for putting him in there Lou, now Marquis is shot for the series.

Greg Maddux mopping up the game last night for the Dodgers was the perfect cherry on top of a giant colostomy sundae with extra whipped cream. Nothing beats watching the washed-up shell of one of your team’s legends shutting you out with his 85 mph heat in a playoff game.

Christ.

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Originally written May 30, 2006

It’s high season for kicking the Cubs while they are down…the White Sox are the class of the AL, the Cardinals are cruising to another division title, even the Brewers might achieve the impossible (finish above .500).

Count me as one Cubs fan who is ready to see a new GM and manager. With all the money the Cubs have to spend, and knowing that Prior/Wood are rarely both healthy, not having a deeper rotation is inexcusable. Also why do we have like 9 middle infielders on the team, and no serviceable backup for Derrek Lee at first base? Time for some fresh blood.

That Neifi Perez “double error” caused me to have a rare play of my own – the Cognitive Friction “compound swear” maneuver, which came out something like “NEIFI YOU SHITFUCK ASSCOCK TAINT-SMOKING ASSROD. FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG” while giving the TV the finger.

Classy.

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Originally written April 21, 2006 on fantasy baseball message board

OK, so everyone in the whole fucking world knows that Derrek fucking Lee broke his fucking wrist and will be out for three fucking months…

So why the fuck won’t this gay homo ass web site let me put Derrek fucking Lee on the fucking DL, so I can sign a new shitty ass butt plug first fucking baseman for my salty garbage ass shit pile of a team. Fucking wake up Yahoo, you fucking douche bags.

Fuck.

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