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Posts Tagged ‘crazy ideas’

The Chicago Bears have an interesting dilemma heading into training camp: what to do with Garrett Wolfe?

http://espn.go.com/blog/chicago/bears/post/_/id/4665283/wolfes-new-role-hasnt-materialized-yet

Wolfe has not seen extended time in the backfield but has excelled as a member of the special teams punting unit. Now that the Bears have acquired Chester Taylor from Minnesota, they have a logjam at running back. Do they keep Wolfe on the roster for his special teams contributions? Do they keep Khalil Bell, who is likely a better running back than Wolfe?

Here’s an answer from outside the box: keep both. Cut punter Brad Maynard.

During training camp, bring in a retired Australian football player to teach Wolfe how to drop punt and torpedo punt while moving behind the line of scrimmage. The emphasis here would be on the ability to get punts away quickly and accurately, with less of a focus on distance.

Every punt situation becomes the special teams version of the Wildcat formation: Wolfe catches the snap and can…

  • Punt directly
  • Take a few quick steps in any direction to draw defenders in before drop punting
  • Make a run for it
  • Throw a short pass

By having Garrett Wolfe handle punting duties, the Bears would gain the following advantages:

  1. Opposing teams would have to keep more players near the line of scrimmage to prevent Wolfe from scrambling for the first down. A quick, evasive running back has a much better chance of picking up a few yards over a comparatively slow and clumsy punter. This would translate to worse protection for the punt returner, possibly negating any lost punting distance.
  2. 11 guys on the punt coverage team who have a legitimate chance at tackling the punt returner, instead of only 10.
  3. Added roster depth at an important roster position that is prone to injury.
  4. Organizational Huevos – instant credibility as a team not afraid to try something different. Remember when the Dolphins debuted the Wildcat formation in 2008 and stunned the Patriots 38-13? Being unpredictable counts for a lot in the NFL, at least in the short term.

I am admittedly something of a football idiot when it comes to the tactical X and O part of the game…can someone with more football knowledge explain why this wouldn’t work?

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1. Josh Cribbs is now the starting quarterback, and the new offense is 100% from the Wildcat formation. Throw out the entire playbook and start over with everything based out of this formation.

1B.Promote Jerome Harrison to starting tailback, as Jamal Lewis would be useless in the Wildcat.
1C. Trade Derek Anderson for whatever value we can get.
1D. Train Brady Quinn to run the Wildcat as the backup, then trade him in the offseason as well.

2. No punting, field goals, or extra point kicks. Run four downs on every offensive series and go for two after every touchdown. Kickers are a wasteful extravagance, and they are often smelly foreigners to boot. Win lose or fail, the new Browns will be BALLS TO THE FUCKING WALL.

3. Recruit offensive lineman from the Japanese sumo wrestling circuit. Ever seen those guys in action? They’re 400+ lbs, and their sport demands agility and hand-eye coordination in the same way that being a good offensive lineman demands those things. Loin cloths would be optional.

4. Recruit at least one failed basketball project who is over seven feet tall to be the new short yardage tight end. His only job will be to run 3-5 yards off the line and post up so Cribbs can throw the ball up to him like a high rebound. The guy would probably have to be at least 260 lbs so he doesn’t get jammed off the line.

5. In the 2010 draft, pick Tim Tebow. Next season’s backfield will be some combination of Cribbs, Tebow, Jerome Harrison and a big fullback for goal line situations.

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Pop the Paparazzi

The other night I was flipping channels while waiting for Robot Chicken to start, and without warning I stumbled into the decay of Western society: TMZ TV.

Accidentally flipping in to TMZ TV is like walking into a room five seconds behind someone who has just unleashed a legendary fart. The kind of fart where it not only makes your eyes water, it actually triggers your gag reflex. The kind of fart that stays in your mental encyclopedia of smells forever, right in between “dead mouse” and “sulfur mine”. It’s like that, only instead of just your nose it’s all over your brain.

The premise of this show is that it’s a “behind the scenes” look at how a bunch of people who write for a celebrity watching website do their job. They also employ camera men who chase celebrities all over the place taking pictures of them arguing with their maid or wiping coke residue off their upper lip, etc.

It doesn’t matter if you hate any of these celebrities or not – you will instantly hate everyone involved with TMZ a lot more. These jaded acne-scarred MTV-jects, these slithering douche bags, who only have jobs to begin with because of celebrities, spend all their time sitting around sniping and crotching about famous people. 14 seconds of this show will expose you to more asshole than 30 years of being a proctologist. Wave after wave of asshole washes over you as you watch, like the heat blast that comes from an oven set to 450 degrees when you open the door.

But wait, that’s just the office people. Wait until you get a retina full of the photographers. How would you react if some unshaven Eurotrash yelled something insulting at you and then shoved a camera in your face and blinded you repeatedly with a flash while he stands in front of your car so you can’t drive without running over his foot?

And that’s when it occurred to me: Why not do that very thing back to these guys, and make your own TV show about it?

Here’s the pitch for “Pop the Paparazzi”: Hire 30 photographers to follow one paparazzi guy around for a week, 24 hours a day. If that guy double parks I want cameras shoved in his face and insults about his driving ability lobbed until throats are sore. Get in his way, shove people around, blind him with the flash, stand in front of his car, etc. If he snaps and starts swinging, well that’s just gold baby.

The best part is, in addition to being annoyed out of his mind he wouldn’t even be able to do his job because there would be this clusterfuck mobbing him while he’s trying to mob someone else! Multiple layers of paparazzi clusterfuckery; such a beautiful thought it nearly brings a tear to my eye.

I bet we could talk Ashton Kutcher into financing this…anyone have his number?

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Just in time for Halloween

In case your blood pressure wasn’t already high enough with our current financiapocalypse and the upcoming Presidential election, ponder these scenarios:

Scenario #1
1) From now until Nov 5, Obama continues to show a commanding lead in the polls.
2) The election happens and McCain wins.
Reason: lots of people in America like to think they are “progressive” and tell pollsters that they will vote for the black guy. When it comes time to actually vote, however…
3) Because nobody would actually have the balls to stand up and point out what really happened, the country would tear itself apart over allegations of a rigged election. (You know, again.)

Scenario #2
Obama wins the election, and his inauguration provides Willy-Bubba from the Aryan Nation with the perfect opportunity to grab his standard issue Marine Corps M40A1 sniper rifle and send a message. The 1992 LA Riots would be like a day at Disneyland in comparison.

Scenario #3
1) Obama and McCain finish in a dead tie with 269 electoral votes each.
2) The House of Representatives, currently controlled by Democrats, gets to choose the President.
3) The Senate, with no majority party currently (49 donkeys/49 elephants/2 independents), gets to choose the Vice President.
4) The next VP would be decided by the 2 independent Senators: Bernie Sanders and…gulp…Joe Lieberman.

(See? I think about more than poop splashes sometimes.)

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James Shields’ recent beaning of Coco Crisp (totally justified by the way – Crisp’s takeout slide the night before was total BS) reminded me of something that has bothered me since I used to pitch:

Why do pitchers just stand there and wait when they see someone charge the mound?

I never had a hitter charge the mound against me, but I always had a plan in case it ever happened. This was my plan:

1) Close the distance by running towards home plate. This negates the advantage of momentum in case the guy was going to tackle me, and it gets my catcher involved a lot quicker.

2a) If the guy was smaller than me, throw everything I had into a haymaker left hook and hope like hell that it connected, or at least forced the guy into a defensive position.

2b) If the guy was bigger/stronger than me, lower my shoulder into his chest, ideally sinking an elbow into his solar plexus to knock the wind out of him. Try to shoulder-check him to the ground, where size advantages are negated.

3) Hope that the catcher or first baseman show up quickly. In my mind I like to think that I could fuck somebody up like King Leonidas from 300, but in reality I would probably be in deep trouble in a fight that lasted more than 2-3 punches.

Is there some tactical flaw that I missed? It always seemed foolish to just stand there and wait to get punched in the face.

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Cougars and Kittens

Originally written Dec 7, 2007

I have been in [redacted] for two months now, and until today I hadn’t seen anything that even remotely resembled a woman. Northern Wisconsin grows ’em short, thick, and heinously ugly. At one point I asked a co-worker “Was there a Chernobyl incident up here 20 years ago that the Reagan administration covered up?”

I’m in the break room this morning cooking up a fresh batch of Pissed Off Juice (that’s 2x the recommended amount of coffee in a pot), and in walks a REALLY attractive woman. She wasn’t just attractive because her local competition looks like the bad guys in Lord of the Rings…genuinely attractive. Probably in her mid 20’s, blond/blue, 5’6″-ish and athletic, nice rack, etc.

So we’re making small talk, which I can barely do because my mind is just spinning at the first talent sighting I’ve had in forever. And in walks ANOTHER attractive woman – only this one’s a cougar. Probably mid 40’s, blond/blue, 5’3″-ish and athletic, nice rack..in fact, she sorta looks like…

And the younger one says…

“Hi mom”

The next 30 seconds or so are just kind of gone — my mind’s little black box just forgot to record anything that happened. Maybe Tyler Durden took over, I can’t say for sure. All I remember is a choir of angels, four gallons of endorphins, tiny cartoon devil on my shoulder laughing evilly, and that “BOING-OING-G-G” sound effect from old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Which leads to the question: Where does a “Couger-Kitten” mother-daughter conquest rate on the list of amazing sex accomplishments? What about a Cougar-Kitten threesome?

If I had a threesome with the C-K combo that I met today, I would have a sash printed that would say “Cougar Kitten Champion – 2007”. Or maybe a WWE championship belt that I could sling over my shoulder. Whichever, I would wear it all the time and would refer to it in conversation at least once every 90 seconds.

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Originally written April 24, 2006

I don’t know where this came from, but a lightning bolt hit me today:

Remember that show on Fox, where they paid two celebrities that most people hate to fight each other for three rounds? It was like, Screech from Saved by the Bell vs Horshack and Manute Bol vs Refrigerator Perry, etc.

It just hit me: What if they only brought in one celebrity, and had an “American Idol” style audition process to pick a non-famous person to fight them? “Fight Club” for the masses, with a celebrity tilt for reality show interest.

The show could be called “Who Hates This Guy the Most?”, and the audtion would be 60 seconds to explain why you want to beat that celebrity’s ass on national television…MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE WANTS IT.

That would be one of those shows that everyone would watch, even if 80% of the population would be afraid to admit that they watched it. There’s no way you would channel surf past an investment banker stomping Gilbert Gottfried…a garbageman wrecking shop on Stuart Scott…or a mother of 5 breaking Nicole Richie’s anorexic ass in half.

Questions for discussion:

1. What celebrities do you hate so much, that you would stand in line for like 12 hours just for the chance to beat their ass?

2. You know how prize fighters always walk to the ring to some really badass song to pump everybody up…What song would you play for your walk to the ring?

For me, Jared from Subway is still on the top of my list. And I can’t decide between “Bring Da Ruckus” from Wu-Tang’s first album, or “Conflict” from the first Disturbed album because either one would kick a whole lot of ass.

(Yeah, it was a really productive day at work)

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