Posts Tagged ‘ESPN’

Brett Favre’s Tri-tirement

The annual Brett Favre retirement drama is literally the only recurring sports story that makes me long for the old newspaper days. Back then you only had to read about this once a day, and only if there was a significant development. But ESPN has nine channels of programming to fill 24/7, so any time anyone even remotely related to the story says or does anything we get 12 hours of reaction coverage, talking heads making empty points over archival footage of the same damn 10 plays from Favre’s career.

If you gave me a choice that I could either:

  1. Eat a mouse and then shove a python up my ass, just to see what happens.
  2. Watch Chris Mortensen speculate wildly about the length of Brett Favre’s grass clippings and how it relates to his retirement decision, while a heavily concussed Kordell Stewart stares off into the middle distance and Stu Scott checks out the new production intern on the sly with his lazy eye.

I would actually have to think about it and weigh both options.

(That being said, I would still take Favre on the Browns in a cocaine heartbeat. He has to be better than Jake Delhomme, who should play next season in sad mime makeup.)


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From ESPN.com today: Browns rookie CB Coye Francies was pranked by some of the veterans in the secondary, and basically lost his shit and started throwing ice, punches, and possibly punch-flavored Icee’s all over the place.


First of all, whenever you see stories like this about your favorite team your first phone call should be to Las Vegas to bang the “under” on number of wins for the season. There is no way in hell any team that has crap like this going on behind the scenes wins more than four games.

That having been said…thank God someone in the Browns locker room is pissed off about something. If I had to call Brandon McDonald or Mike Adams a “veteran” I would probably start throwing punches too. Brandon McDonald hasn’t earned the right to haze Ronald McDonald, let alone an NFL player.

“Before he could be stopped, Francies tossed the ice on cornerback Brandon McDonald, hitting him with cubes and covering the floor.”

That bucket of ice was the first damn thing that Brandon McDonald has stopped this season. Adrian Peterson showed up 30 minutes later just to stiff-arm McDonald face down into the pile of ice on the floor.

“Welcome to the Browns locker room!” wide receiver Braylon Edwards hollered as players rushed over to check on the commotion.

Thanks for fiddling while Rome burns there, Braylon. It’s a good thing he didn’t throw the ice at you because there is no way you would’ve caught any of it, and some of it might have screwed up your French manicure and caused you to miss 6-8 weeks and have to cancel your next GQ shoot, ASSBAG.

I love that Shaun Rogers broke up the fracas by grabbing Francies and dragging him out of the locker room. The fact that Shaun Rogers, a 400 lb toilet clogging machine who is about as quick as frozen maple syrup in January, is still quicker than one of our CB’s says all you need to know about the 2009 Browns secondary. I bet once they were in the hallway, instead of talking Rogers just chomped his mouth like King Hippo until Francies inserted a whole chicken to placate him.

Quote from defensive coordinator Rob Ryan:

“They’re starting to care for each other. We’re coming together. I can see it.”

Maybe you should get your fucking eyes checked Rob, because all I see is a bunch of future CFL players throwing things at each other in a locker room. Baghdad Bob thinks you’re fucking kidding yourself asshole.

As of right now Vegas has the Ravens at –13.5 and if any of you has more than 35 cents in your pocket you need to jump on this. The Ravens could get shut out and still win by two touchdowns against this mountain of elephant excrement that is the 2009 Browns. I’m seriously thinking that the Browns could be penalized two touchdowns for shitty play and end up with –14 points. After which Rob Ryan will declare the game to be a glorious victory, and hopefully Coye Francies will punch him with a brick of ice.

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So many things to enjoy about last night’s thorough humiliation of the New York Football Giants:

* ESPN cameramen always seem to find the ugliest/scariest Browns fans for their crowd shots. The guy that looked like Bob Ross was my favorite (“Now lets paint some happy trees!”).

* When things aren’t going well for the Giants, Eli Manning gives off this vibe like he is a whiny 5 year old. Rolling his eyes, throwing his hands up in frustration, shaking his head at teammates…what a bitch. This would drive me nuts if I were a Giants fan, almost as much as my wispy moustache and Members Only jacket.

* Speaking of Manning: nice to see him revert to early 2007 form by throwing 3 picks, one of which followed the same trajectory as a fucking weather satellite. How was Plaxico supposed to catch that corn-filled turd? Stick to what you know best Eli – licking cream in very uncomfortable homoerotic cookie commercials.

* Eric Wright was more gazelle than man last night, culminating in a sick INT and 95 yard runback to seal the game. I’ll even forgive the Neon Deion finish just this one time. Anyone who paints a map of Hawaii on Eli’s face like that gets one free pass in my book.

* You could actually hear the *POP* as Derek Anderson finally removed his head from his ass last night. After the first couple series, something just clicked and suddenly he was uncorking precision rockets all over the field. Sam Madison got in the way of one of those lasers and his stigmatism was miraculously fixed.

* Braylon Edwards just worked over Aaron Ross. Ross left the game in the 4th quarter due to 3rd degree burns from Edwards torching him so many times. Hopefully this is a return to form for #17.

* It’s amazing how much better the Browns offense runs when their TE’s actually block. Do you think “swollen balls” Winslow was taking notes?

* ESPN broadcasters apparently didn’t see fit to point this out, but Joe Thomas was a fucking wrecking ball last night. Every replay of short running plays showed Thomas and LG Eric Steinbach moving 3 or 4 Giants defenders 5 yards upfield before flattening them on the ground. Joe Thomas was beef jerky with Tobasco sauce on it last night, and Eli Manning was a cupcake with pink frosting and an effeminate frowny face painted on it.

* It’s time to use more direct snaps to Joshua Cribbs, and more touches for backup RB Jerome Harrison. Both looked like gamebreakers last night.

* Headline on ClevelandBrowns.com – “Vote for Crennel for coach of the week”. Whoa, let’s not go nuts here ClevelandBrowns.com. Baby steps.

* We need to keep the throwbacks for next week’s game with Washington, even though the helmets with skinny jersey numbers on them look like crap. Can’t mess with karma.

A season reborn.

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SportsCenter / Favre

Things I learned from 20 minutes of “SportsCenter” this morning:

1. Brett Favre is going to the Buccaneers. Or the Jets. Or nowhere. But he will be reporting to camp on Tuesday. Or on Wednesday. Or maybe not either of those days. The Packers will not get a 1st round pick for Favre in a trade, unless they do.

2. The Yankees and the Red Sox are more important than the other MLB teams. And when they play each other, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. (Exceptions – Brett Favre, A-Rod and whoever’s grandma he is fucking this week)

3. Eric Young sounds like someone is pinching his balls, all the time. If he took a helium whippet would his voice actually get lower? Did I just blow your FUCKING MIND?!?

4. Apparently ESPN anchors still do that thing where they try to come up with clever sayings, but they are completely out of ideas so they just shout random shit over the highlights. It’s like the ADD inside my head has somehow externalized itself into the sports journalism that I watch.


Two other things about Brett Favre that I didn’t hear on ESPN, possibly because they would make the NFL look bad:

A. Doesn’t it make more sense for the Packers to wait on trading Favre until the season starts, then deal him to a team that is contending but loses their starting QB to injury? This happens every year, except it’s usually some half-baked pile of garbage who gets dragged out of retirement. [Testaverde, Vinny]

B. If Goodell forces the Packers to “resolve” the Favre situation quickly by trading him for 85% value, isn’t that blatantly unfair to the Packers? Wouldn’t Favre’s stock go up as the season gets closer, as outlined in point A above?

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Originally written Nov 19, 2007

Condolences to the Buffalo Bills on last night’s Orchard Park Massacre. During the game I was trying to think of a word to describe what I was seeing, and the best I could come up with was “cornfuckulation”. If it makes you feel any better, Brady & Moss fucked my fantasy team as hard as they fucked your real team. Say your prayers and take your vitamins, your asshole should be healed in a few weeks.

The Browns beat the Ravens on a controversial field goal, then the Steelers fall to the Jets like old people on ice…what a fantastic Sunday to be a Browns fan. Listening to Brian Billick piss and moan after the game about the officiating, it was like a blowjob for my ears. Nobody deserves to get screwed by bad officiating more than Brian Arrogant Criminal-Enabler Horse-Fellater Billick. And of course the Steelers can’t beat the bad teams, they hired that guy from “House” to coach their team. He’s a neurologist, he doesn’t know shit about football. In his defense, it’s probably hard to concentrate on coaching when you have to be around people who smell like Pittsburgh all day long.

Has anyone else noticed that whenever Chris Berman is narrating NFL highlights this year, he says “WHOOP!” in a really high-pitched voice like nine times a minute? It’s like ESPN spent millions of dollars on market research to determine the most annoying sound that can come out of Chris Berman, and now they are paying him a bonus every time he makes that noise. And the way Berman looks these days…instead of money the bonus is cupcakes with French fries on top and he is washing it down with a belt of Wild Turkey. Mark Mangino thinks Berman is letting himself go, and that guy invented a meal that comes before breakfast.

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Originally written Oct 19, 2007

*** BREAKING NEWS from ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in cramming the Yankees down your fucking throat ***

Torre Takes Dump, May Have Come From Sandwich Consumed Earlier

NEW YORK — An ESPN reporter entrenched three feet inside Joe Torre’s ass is reporting that the recently resigned Yankees skipper enjoyed a remarkable bowel movement earlier today. The reporter has confirmed that Torre’s fudge monkey was a deep brown color, smelled a bit like grilled onions, and sounded “like a broken chain saw” when it was delivered this morning. It is unclear at this time whether or not the mud torpedo was the result of a large hoagie that Torre had consumed last evening for dinner.

When asked for comment, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said “Joe Torre is a great man, he is a legendary Yankee manager and a celebrated pooper. We will miss his ability to clog a toilet with his intimidating and punishing ass rockets. He will always be a Yankee.”

Don Mattingly, speculated by many to be Torre’s replacement as manager of the Yankees, chose not to weigh in on the impressive Torre log. “Don is reserving comment, at this time, out of respect to Joe Torre,” Mattingly’s agent, Ray Schulte, told 1050 ESPN New York.

Torre also made headlines when the Yankees clinched a playoff berth by becoming the ugliest man ever to cry on television about a baseball game. Prior to joining a team with a payroll 40% or more above their nearest competitor, Torre’s career record as a manager was 894-1003 and he made only one post-season in almost 20 years.

(And ohbytheway….the ALCS is still going on and a bunch of other stuff happened in sports. But ESPN won’t allow those distractions to interfere with their 24/7/365 Joe Torre leg-humping marathon.)


Information from my imagination was used in this report.

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Originally written Nov 27, 2006

Michael Irvin apologizes for saying last week that Dallas Cowboys’ quarterback Tony Romo’s athletic ability must be the result of an African-American heritage, insinuating that Romo’s ancestors were involved with “slave brothers”.

What does this asshole have to do to get fired?

  • Being terrible at his job wasn’t enough
  • Dressing like a colorblind circus clown wasn’t enough
  • Acting like TO’s personal ass-buddy, and defending his actions to ridiculous lengths, wasn’t enough
  • Getting arrested, REPEATEDLY, on drug possession charges wasn’t enough
  • Now he is puking out racist comments, and that won’t be enough

If Michael Irvin lights an Asian midget on fire, calls him a “toasty little Chink” and punts him into the Schwab’s Buddha belly, would he be fired? Don’t count on it.

If Michael Irvin tried to use Chris Berman’s empty head as a giant bong by cramming pot into one ear and sucking on the other ear while holding a lighter under Berman’s nose, would he be fired? Hell, he might be promoted.

If Michael Irvin propositioned Andrea Kremer for “a lapper” live on the air, and then pimp slapped her when she refused, would he be fired? ESPN might give him an ownership share in the company.

Time to cancel “The Playmaker”, ESPN.

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