Posts Tagged ‘MLB’

Torn Meniscus Pie

Florida Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan tore a meniscus in his knee while attempting to smash a shaving cream pie into Wes Helms’ face during a postgame celebration.

Coghlan is the 2nd MLB player to suffer a serious injury during a postgame celebration this season; Kendry Morales broke his leg jumping on home plate after a walkoff home run at the end of May.


First of all, why the hell is any team with a sub-.500 record that plays in front of 300 fans at home games celebrating anything at all?

Second, cream pies? What a stupid ritual. Last year someone tried to give Joe Thomas a surprise shaving cream pie to the face, and he performed the first spontaneous Face-Ass-Ectomy in medical history. Maybe they should smash each other in the face with vitamins or calcium pills instead, since these Nancies can’t even jump without shattering their knees and legs.

I miss the steroids era when guys had legs like tree trunks. Yeah, they had balls like raisins, but that wasn’t MY problem. Mark McGwire’s meniscus was strong enough to chew its own meals AND shit them out.

“[Manager Edwin] Rodriguez said the team addressed excessive celebrating and there will not be any more shaving-cream pie rituals.” That had to be the most exasperating locker room speech ever. I would’ve made it about halfway through before I just ripped my own head off and threw it at someone.

If someone blew out their knee trying to smash a shaving cream pie in my face I would absolutely squat down and fart in their mouth as they writhed on the ground in pain. Hopefully one of those short but powerful blast farts that billow your boxers like a flag in a 70 mph breeze. I bet that would taste like shame.


Read Full Post »

The Return of Farnsworth

From the Kansas City Royals’ spring training camp – Gil Meche is dissolving faster than the guy who opened the Ark in that Indiana Jones movie. After his last start, his cock fell off in the shower. Frankly, the Royals are partially to blame here – they never should’ve let him use that radioactive pen to sign his $55 million contract.

(No, really. Gil Meche makes $55 million. Look it up.)

Anyway, because the Royals are a depressing Cirque du Malaise of washed-up has-beens, Japanese league drop outs, no curveball hitting Pedro Cerranos and California Penal League MVP’s they don’t have a lot of appealing options to fill Meche’s spot in the rotation.

So they are turning to… Kyle Farnsworth!


This is great news for fans of random sports violence because Kyle Farnsworth is a C- pitcher but he is an A+ basebrawler. This guy goes from 0 to 60 faster than a Ferrari 458 Italia. When it’s go time he doesn’t even waste time with punches – he just throws himself at people like an angry goateed missile.

The Royals have inadvertently provided the casual baseball fan with a great reason to watch every fifth Royals game for the first month of the season. If Farnsworth gets squeezed, will he kamikaze the home plate umpire and Krav Maga the guy’s crotch into oatmeal? Instead of pick off throws to first will he just run over and try to beat the baserunner to death with a sharpened cleat? Will he give the batboy a concrete toothbrush on the dugout steps after a bad outing?

Nothing is out of reach anymore.

The 2010 KC Royals – at least it won’t be boring!

Read Full Post »

The Chicago Cubs have signed Milton Bradley to a three year, $30 million contract.


This was not an important signing because of Bradley’s talent. He is 30 years old, injury prone, clearly hit a lot better at home last year than on the road, etc.

This was an important signing for a less tangible reason: Milton Bradley is completely batshit insane. We’re talking about Brad Pitt in “12 Monkeys” crazy here.

Win or lose, at least the 2009 Chicago Cubs will not go quietly into that gentle night because Milton Bradley does not go anywhere quietly or gently. Signing a player like Milton Bradley to play for Lou Piniella’s Chicago Cubs is like filling your fire extinguishers with kerosene. There is NO WAY the Cubs escape the 2009 season without someone getting shot, stabbed, or severely beaten in their clubhouse.

Here is my estimated timeline of Milton Bradley incidents in the 2009 season:

  • March 2: After an early spring training game Bradley discovers a parking ticket on his car, spends the next 15 days sobbing uncontrollably in the fetal position.
  • April 11: The Great Gazoo whispers in Bradley’s ear that he needs to sucker punch the Brewers’ bat boy. Hilarity ensues.
  • May 12: Bradley runs out to right field with no pants on, “KISS MY A$$ KEVIN TOWERS” painted across his butt cheeks.
  • June 17: In the Windy City Classic, Bradley hits a gapper and runs the bases shooting at White Sox infielders with a handgun like the running back in “The Last Boy Scout”.
  • July 14: Bradley crashes the All Star game in Fan Man’s parachute, shits on Ichiro through the fan.
  • Aug 28: Bradley and Elijah Dukes re-enact the Jets-Sharks knife fight from “West Side Story” completely by accident while actually trying to knife each other to death.
  • Sept 19: Bradley blows out his ACL delivering an atomic leg drop to a nun wearing a St Louis Cardinals hat.

Buckle up motherfuckers, the MB era is gonna be a wild ride!

Read Full Post »

The Cubs shit the bed so completely and thoroughly last night, the bed looks like a cake with 3″ of chocolate frosting on top.

Lets start with the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen from the Cubs in years, and that’s saying something: Hiring a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the dugout with holy water.

Lets spend the entire season marginalizing the notion of a curse, then right before the first playoff game we’ll bring in a FUCKING PRIEST to hose the dugout down with HOLY WATER! What in the blue fuck is that?!? (At least they didn’t use a Catholic priest – guess what he would’ve hosed the dugout down with?)

Then the game starts, and it’s just painfully obvious that Dempster does not have his best stuff. He barely escapes a couple tight spots, then walks 3 straight batters in the 5th inning…WHY WAS NOBODY WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN? Is Lou saving the bullpen for game 6? Dempster walked SEVEN batters in 4.2 innings!!

Watching this on TV, just KNOWING that Dempster’s luck had run out & that he was about to get pounded, it was like getting sudden diahrrea when you’re miles from the nearest bathroom. You just take deep breaths and try not to think about the crippling intestinal pain eviscerating your lower torso. Sure enough, Loney drops a salami on Dempster as CF suffers flashbacks of watching Dempster blow 9 saves in 2006. The F-bomb that I unleashed as that ball was traveling into the center field bleachers was so loud it gave 14 orphans cancer.

And of course, after Loney shoved his bat up Dempster’s ass sideways, Wrigley Field went from a party to a funeral in about .0005 seconds. Gee, I wonder if convincing everyone that we’re cursed and then reinforcing that ass-headed notion by paying a priest to bless the dugout helped?

Later in the game Tom Verducci drops this gem: “Wrigley Field right now reminds me of Fenway Park pre-2004” which caused me to say COCKSUCKER so loud that my dog ran from the room.

And just for good measure, Jason Marquis comes into the game in mop-up duty and promptly gets blown up by Russell Martin. That reminded me of the time I tried to put out a fire by drinking kerosene and pissing everywhere. Thanks for putting him in there Lou, now Marquis is shot for the series.

Greg Maddux mopping up the game last night for the Dodgers was the perfect cherry on top of a giant colostomy sundae with extra whipped cream. Nothing beats watching the washed-up shell of one of your team’s legends shutting you out with his 85 mph heat in a playoff game.


Read Full Post »


Moneyshot quote from Chacon:

“When…you’re yelling at somebody and you’re cussing you better know what type of person you’re dealing with.”

Yeah, Ed Wade should’ve known he was dealing with a mediocre pitcher with no brains and a HUGE ‘roid rage problem I guess!

The Astros are discussing Chacon trades with the following teams:

1. Revjavik Ice Cocks

2. Sarajevo Bombshells

3. Fire Island Cockpumpers

4. Tehran Sharias

5. South Beach Old Man Taints

6. Rockford Peaches (“Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan”)

7. 1962 New York Mets

Read Full Post »

I got a shiny gold Sacajewea dollar for the first person to kick Jeff Bennett in the ass with golf cleats. I want to see Jeff Bennett kicked so hard in the ass, that whoever pulls your foot out gets to be King of England.

Watching the game last night, before Soriano got hit I remember thinking “This guy’s pitches are about as accurate as a firehose that’s gotten away from the firemen.” It was 0% surprising to see someone get injured by that Double-A hack.

Now, 6 weeks of Micah Hoffpauir (no charge for the extra vowels) in left field. Even though it would make 1,000% more sense to just break up the Edmonds/Reed Johnson CF rotation and just put Reed Johnson in left, we know Lou won’t do that because he’s got an old-man Viagra chubby for this Hoffpauaeiouandsometimesy kid.

In fact, fuck everything that happened at Wrigley last night except Fukudome, Dempster, and Erin Andrews.

Fuck you, fairweather fans with brand new Fukudome jerseys waving “It’s Gonna Happen” signs. The only thing that’s gonna happen is me farting on your nachos.

Fuck you, Taco Bell. Two white jackasses rapping at the drive-thru is the worst commercial in 25 years. Every time it comes on I want to drop a plugged-in toaster in your CEO’s bathtub.

And a double-fisted Stan Smith style fuck you to Rick Sutcliffe for making my skin crawl every time he leered at Erin Andrews last night. We get it, she’s hot. Keep it in your pants beard-o.

Corey Patterson’s younger brother, replacing Alfonso Soriano in left field.

If I throw up a lung I hope someone in this office knows how to fix that.

Read Full Post »

James Shields’ recent beaning of Coco Crisp (totally justified by the way – Crisp’s takeout slide the night before was total BS) reminded me of something that has bothered me since I used to pitch:

Why do pitchers just stand there and wait when they see someone charge the mound?

I never had a hitter charge the mound against me, but I always had a plan in case it ever happened. This was my plan:

1) Close the distance by running towards home plate. This negates the advantage of momentum in case the guy was going to tackle me, and it gets my catcher involved a lot quicker.

2a) If the guy was smaller than me, throw everything I had into a haymaker left hook and hope like hell that it connected, or at least forced the guy into a defensive position.

2b) If the guy was bigger/stronger than me, lower my shoulder into his chest, ideally sinking an elbow into his solar plexus to knock the wind out of him. Try to shoulder-check him to the ground, where size advantages are negated.

3) Hope that the catcher or first baseman show up quickly. In my mind I like to think that I could fuck somebody up like King Leonidas from 300, but in reality I would probably be in deep trouble in a fight that lasted more than 2-3 punches.

Is there some tactical flaw that I missed? It always seemed foolish to just stand there and wait to get punched in the face.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »