Posts Tagged ‘NFL’

The Chicago Bears have an interesting dilemma heading into training camp: what to do with Garrett Wolfe?


Wolfe has not seen extended time in the backfield but has excelled as a member of the special teams punting unit. Now that the Bears have acquired Chester Taylor from Minnesota, they have a logjam at running back. Do they keep Wolfe on the roster for his special teams contributions? Do they keep Khalil Bell, who is likely a better running back than Wolfe?

Here’s an answer from outside the box: keep both. Cut punter Brad Maynard.

During training camp, bring in a retired Australian football player to teach Wolfe how to drop punt and torpedo punt while moving behind the line of scrimmage. The emphasis here would be on the ability to get punts away quickly and accurately, with less of a focus on distance.

Every punt situation becomes the special teams version of the Wildcat formation: Wolfe catches the snap and can…

  • Punt directly
  • Take a few quick steps in any direction to draw defenders in before drop punting
  • Make a run for it
  • Throw a short pass

By having Garrett Wolfe handle punting duties, the Bears would gain the following advantages:

  1. Opposing teams would have to keep more players near the line of scrimmage to prevent Wolfe from scrambling for the first down. A quick, evasive running back has a much better chance of picking up a few yards over a comparatively slow and clumsy punter. This would translate to worse protection for the punt returner, possibly negating any lost punting distance.
  2. 11 guys on the punt coverage team who have a legitimate chance at tackling the punt returner, instead of only 10.
  3. Added roster depth at an important roster position that is prone to injury.
  4. Organizational Huevos – instant credibility as a team not afraid to try something different. Remember when the Dolphins debuted the Wildcat formation in 2008 and stunned the Patriots 38-13? Being unpredictable counts for a lot in the NFL, at least in the short term.

I am admittedly something of a football idiot when it comes to the tactical X and O part of the game…can someone with more football knowledge explain why this wouldn’t work?


Read Full Post »

Brett Favre’s Tri-tirement

The annual Brett Favre retirement drama is literally the only recurring sports story that makes me long for the old newspaper days. Back then you only had to read about this once a day, and only if there was a significant development. But ESPN has nine channels of programming to fill 24/7, so any time anyone even remotely related to the story says or does anything we get 12 hours of reaction coverage, talking heads making empty points over archival footage of the same damn 10 plays from Favre’s career.

If you gave me a choice that I could either:

  1. Eat a mouse and then shove a python up my ass, just to see what happens.
  2. Watch Chris Mortensen speculate wildly about the length of Brett Favre’s grass clippings and how it relates to his retirement decision, while a heavily concussed Kordell Stewart stares off into the middle distance and Stu Scott checks out the new production intern on the sly with his lazy eye.

I would actually have to think about it and weigh both options.

(That being said, I would still take Favre on the Browns in a cocaine heartbeat. He has to be better than Jake Delhomme, who should play next season in sad mime makeup.)

Read Full Post »

Literally hours after cutting Derek Anderson, the Browns are now shopping Brady Quinn.

You want Brady Quinn? Fuck it, he’s all yours. He comes with a pallet of Myoplex, a sun bleached whore girlfriend, and a raft of Notre Dame apologists.

I’m tired of the player carousel through Cleveland. I’m tired of jackasses (Winslow, Hillbilly Anderson and his moonshine jug, Cocaine Jamal Lewis, etc) playing poorly and blaming everyone except themselves. I’m tired of watching boneheaded play calling executed by CFL-caliber players. I’m tired of locker room fights, $1700 hotel water bottle fines, Adrian Peterson stiff-arming CB’s into next week, ESPN’s genuine surprise when the Browns actually win a game. I’m tired of being told how lousy Browns fans are; like most NFL fan bases, we have a vocal minority making the whole group look bad.

I’m dreading the draft because the Browns have 11 draft picks and if history tells us anything they will fuck up 10 of them. I’m dreading Seneca Wallace sucking horribly next season while Josh Cribbs takes 197 fair catches because he got his big contract and doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m dreading Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn getting a shot in Seattle, Arizona, Buffalo or Carolina and having a really good season. I’m dreading another season of defense that consistently and thoroughly shits the bed at every critical moment. Kickers who can’t kick, punters who can’t punt, coaches who can’t coach.

I’m getting to the point of just becoming a generic NFL fan and rooting for my gambling interest and/or fantasy football interests.

Those Derek Anderson quotes really pissed in my Cheerios this morning, I have been in a horrible God damn mood all day. Fuck all of these overpaid entitled pricks playing a child’s game for a living and whining like pussies when their magical fairy tale world doesn’t turn out just perfectly while I bust my hump in Asshole, Wisconsin then drive my shitty Hyundai home at night and masturbate dreaming about the pussy that these guys throw away because it’s not tight enough (or in Big Ben’s case, he rapes it ’till it can’t move). People getting paid $1 million a year to carry a clipboard and watch football games for four months a year should wake up every morning and give God a thank you blowjob that they don’t have to put up with all the day-to-day bullshit that the rest of us have to deal with. Boo hoo, people cheered when my knee broke, GET FUCKED YOU SPOILED BRAT.

To quote Brady Quinn’s Myoplex commercial, “Now I’m done”.

Read Full Post »

In response to the following quote from Derek Anderson after being released by the Browns on March 9th:

“The fans are ruthless and don’t deserve a winner. I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn’t great. I hope and pray I’m playing when my team comes to town and [we] roll them.”

To the Moose from Scappoose,

To a quarterback who played great when absolutely nothing was expected of him and crumbled like a Catholic priest in the boys locker room when games actually mattered. To the man who lost training camp battles to Charlie “The Frye Cook” Frye and Mary Myoplex Milkshake. To the man who gave us the “2 for 17” game and a 42.1 QB rating for the 2009 season.

Crawl back to the hillbilly stinkwater town that spawned you and resume fucking your sister in the kiddie pool on your front lawn in the shadow of your cinder-blocked 1986 Camaro. They always need shelf stockers at Wal-Mart who can reach the high shelves so that 6’6” frame won’t be a total waste.

Oh, your feelings were hurt because the fans cheered when you got injured? Those Browns fans weren’t cheering the fact that you got injured; they were cheering the fact that the coaches finally had an excuse to bench your sorry ass.

You don’t have to like football fans but you do have to kiss their ass even if they don’t deserve it because they pay your salary and determine your commercial viability for endorsement contracts. Those of us who work in real 8-5 jobs already know that we can’t blow up the guy who signs our checks, just like we know that only a backwater moosefucker such as yourself burns bridges with former employers.

I really hope you catch on somewhere else just so we can see you fail again and completely vindicate the Walrus for cutting you. If that doesn’t happen, the CFL is always looking for QB’s who lock onto one receiver, wait three seconds too long, then throw into triple coverage. They love those fuckin’ guys up there like poutine and greasy meats.

Quote from Phil Savage in Dec 27, 2007 ESPN article:

“The tighter the game gets, the looser he is. That’s a great quality to have.”

Holy crap does that quote speak volumes about both men in hindsight. Here’s a hint, Phil: he’s always loose because he’s too stupid to know what is going on around him. You think it’s a great quality because you have no idea what a great quality in a football player is. Fuck you both with a jab saw.



Read Full Post »

Cleveland 13, Pittsburgh 6

* Thanks again, NFL Network and Time Warner, for depriving me of the chance to see maybe the only Browns game worth watching this year. Nice to know that the ongoing pissing match over who gets to steal more from my wallet couldn’t be resolved amicably. We need The American Jesus to host another beer summit to get to the bottom of this.

* Of course you always have the option to watch the game on NFL.com, if you don’t mind two minutes of game footage followed by 15 minutes of a studio segment featuring lobotomy patients dressed like Cirque de Soleil rejects discussing something that vaguely sounds like football. Whoever designed the NFL.com coverage of Thursday night football deserves to be beaten unconscious with a sack of Valencia oranges and thrown naked into the shower at Upstate Prison for Horny Well Endowed Men.

* On that 35 yard Wildcat run last night, Josh Cribbs showed why he is more than just another burnin’ returner. After he turned the corner and headed upfield, one of the Steelers secondary players tried to wrap up Cribbs around the knees. Instead of folding and falling, Cribbs made like he was trying to get dogshit off his boots and stomped right through the guy. If Cleveland has anyone left in their offices who can count past ten without wearing sandals, they will lock up Cribbs long term.

* At the end of Chris Jennings’ ten yard touchdown run, some sad sack Steelers player got hit so hard by Jennings that he almost did a cartwheel. That wasn’t exactly Christian Okoye that ran you down there, Susan B Steeler. Maybe next time you can call for tackling help by blowing your rape whistle.

* Mike Tomlin’s normal facial expression is terrifyingly intense. So what happens to him when he’s pushing a hard deuce? Does he have to cover his eyes to keep them from flying out of his head?

* Best moment from the postgame coverage: Kordell Stewart on ESPN News trying to articulate how embarrassing this was for the Steelers, only he is so bad at talking that he veered off topic midsentence. Repeat: Slash stopped listening to himself…in the middle of his own sentence. When he finished rambling aimlessly through the dense forest of stupidity that comprises his minute-to-minute thoughts, nobody on the set at ESPN even knew what to say next. They all had these looks on their faces like “What the fuck was that?!?” That footage should be in the next PSA about concussions.

* This is exactly what teams that are truly lousy every year do: suck horribly until they are out of the playoffs, then win a string of meaningless games and play themselves out of a top five draft pick. Hooray for history repeating itself in Cleveland!

Read Full Post »

From last week’s game: Adrian Peterson catches a short pass and has just enough time to turn up field and trample Pittsburgh safety William Gay like a rampaging elephant running over a helpless zookeeper.

The only way AP could have made that domination more complete is if they stopped the game so he could pull down Gay’s pants and screw that football into his ass like a light bulb.

Technically I think the Pittsburgh police could issue AP a ticket for littering. You can’t just leave your discarded garbage anywhere you please, Mr. Peterson! Throw that safety in the trash when you’re done with him. YOU’RE MAKING NATIVE AMERICANS CRY.

Since the NFL already has penalties when players break the rules, they need to add bonuses for when something like this happens. Instead of a yellow flag they could throw a green flag at the spot of the amazingness. Then the referee would announce something like “Roughing the defense, number 28 offense. Five yards will be added to the end of the run. First down.”

Read Full Post »

1. Josh Cribbs is now the starting quarterback, and the new offense is 100% from the Wildcat formation. Throw out the entire playbook and start over with everything based out of this formation.

1B.Promote Jerome Harrison to starting tailback, as Jamal Lewis would be useless in the Wildcat.
1C. Trade Derek Anderson for whatever value we can get.
1D. Train Brady Quinn to run the Wildcat as the backup, then trade him in the offseason as well.

2. No punting, field goals, or extra point kicks. Run four downs on every offensive series and go for two after every touchdown. Kickers are a wasteful extravagance, and they are often smelly foreigners to boot. Win lose or fail, the new Browns will be BALLS TO THE FUCKING WALL.

3. Recruit offensive lineman from the Japanese sumo wrestling circuit. Ever seen those guys in action? They’re 400+ lbs, and their sport demands agility and hand-eye coordination in the same way that being a good offensive lineman demands those things. Loin cloths would be optional.

4. Recruit at least one failed basketball project who is over seven feet tall to be the new short yardage tight end. His only job will be to run 3-5 yards off the line and post up so Cribbs can throw the ball up to him like a high rebound. The guy would probably have to be at least 260 lbs so he doesn’t get jammed off the line.

5. In the 2010 draft, pick Tim Tebow. Next season’s backfield will be some combination of Cribbs, Tebow, Jerome Harrison and a big fullback for goal line situations.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »