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Posts Tagged ‘road rage’

When I switched jobs a little over a year ago, my commute changed from a 5 minute jog across town to a 35 minute highway haul. This change in commutes has opened my eyes to something: people are fucking idiots.

Okay, I knew that before I started driving on the highway every day…but few places make people’s idiocy more obvious than when they are flying along in two tons of steel fueled by combustible chemicals at 70 mph and barely…paying…attention…to what the fuck they are doing.

Case in point: I was cruising in the left lane this morning at 75 mph. A few hundred yards in front of me in the right lane there is a semi being followed closely by an SUV. I get within a few feet of the trailing SUV, and right fucking then the guy decides to pass the semi without bothering to check the left lane first.

After I crushed the brakes to avoid rear-ending this guy, I am stuck behind him while he crawls around the semi. The semi is going 68 mph and this guy is passing at 68.01 mph. And I am…just…simmering to a boiling rage at the sheer assholery on display here.

Once he had passed the semi and moved back into the right lane I pulled up next to him, rolled down my passenger window and politely requested that he TONGUE FUCK A DONKEY’S ASS UNTIL IT SPRAYS BURRO JIZZ IN BOTH OF HIS EYES, SINCE HE OBVIOUSLY HAD NO INTENTION OF USING THOSE EYES TO CHECK HIS FUCKING BLIND SPOT BEFORE CHANGING LANES. HEY COCK WAGON, SEE THOSE SHINY PIECES OF GLASS MOUNTED TO YOUR CAR? THOSE ARE CALLED “MIRRORS” AND IF PROPERLY USED, YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE IF THERE IS ANYONE BEHIND YOU THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO RUN OFF THE ROAD WITH YOUR TANK-SIZED SUV THAT YOU CLEARLY BOUGHT TO COMPENSATE FOR YOUR ELFIN COCK. HOW ABOUT I LET YOUR DAUGHTER THE HONOR STUDENT BRUSH HER TEETH WITH MY DICK ON YOUR FRONT LAWN? CHOKE ON BROKEN GLASS AND DIE, ASSHOLE.

He refused to look over at me – some people are so rude, ignoring an invitation to polite conversation like that.

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Other transgressors of proper highway etiquette:

* Guy who is going slower than you, until you are about to pass him and he speeds up just so you can’t pass. What the fuck does that accomplish?
* Lane drifters. Hey hey hey, pay attention fuckstick! You almost sideswiped my crappy old Hyundai! Wait, maybe these people are OK after all.
* Guy who drives like he is qualifying for a race at Road America, until he sees the cop car parked in the median and stomps the brakes hard enough that anyone who rear-ends him will re-enact a scene from the Dukes of Hazzard. Nicely played ace, I’m sure the cop will have no idea you were speeding when he sees the nose of your car suddenly pitch 30 degrees forward. Dope.
* Prius drivers that give you a condescending look and shake their head slowly at you when you pass them. Choke on your fuel-sipping smugness. I use more gas than you, eat more red meat than you, and kick more ass than you. Get your egg-shaped piece of plastic crap out of the way hippie.

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