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Posts Tagged ‘unprovoked rage’

Vending Machine Madness

To the guy who was in front of me at the vending machine today:

How in the hell did you get all the way to the vending machine without knowing what you intended to purchase? What were you so busy thinking about on the way from your desk to the break room that distracted you from making this decision? Should we expect a plan for peace in the Middle East or a cure for H1N1 to be coming from your office soon? I don’t take one fucking step away from my desk and I know exactly what I’m getting from the vending machine.

Even if you somehow managed to arrive in front of the vending machine without knowing what you wanted, how GOD DAMN LONG can it possibly take to process the 20 or so available options and choose one? It’s a vending machine, not a fucking tax return. You can have salt, sugar, chocolate, healthy crap that nobody ever eats anyway, or stale gum. Just fucking pick something or get the hell out of the way so people who actually have their shit together can get their snacky.

If our society didn’t have rules I would’ve kicked you in the small of your back hard enough to knock you right through the fucking glass. Then I would’ve picked a candy bar out of your face and taken $5 out of your wallet as payment for the two minutes of my life you cost me while you stood there staring like sedated livestock, hoping against hope that the vending machine would somehow do the hard work of making a selection for you. Stupid fucking simpleton.

(Yes, all Browns fans are this keyed up right now. I’d rather not talk about it.)

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Having a bad day?

Car won’t start?

Snow to shovel?

Kids a hassle?

Bills to pay?

Let’s focus our energy on the real reason that your life sucks sometimes: Jared from Subway.

Whatever is wrong in your life, I fucking guarantee you that Jared from Subway is somehow responsible. We’re talking about a man who ate until he looked like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, and then decided that the best way to lose weight would be to EAT A LOT OF FAST FOOD.

And he is getting rewarded for it – what an incredible asshole. Oh look at me, I used to be fat but now I’m just ugly, buy this $6 turkey sandwich that you could make for yourself for $3 if you just went to the fucking grocery store. Look at my giant balloon pants, aren’t you impressed that I lost 9000 lbs almost completely by accident and now I make a living off the fact that I used to eat a tub of “I Can’t Believe it Resembles Butter” for breakfast.

CHOKE ON THAT $5 FOOTLONG YOU SMUG BASTARD!!

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http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3461058

Moneyshot quote from Chacon:

“When…you’re yelling at somebody and you’re cussing you better know what type of person you’re dealing with.”

Yeah, Ed Wade should’ve known he was dealing with a mediocre pitcher with no brains and a HUGE ‘roid rage problem I guess!

The Astros are discussing Chacon trades with the following teams:

1. Revjavik Ice Cocks

2. Sarajevo Bombshells

3. Fire Island Cockpumpers

4. Tehran Sharias

5. South Beach Old Man Taints

6. Rockford Peaches (“Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan”)

7. 1962 New York Mets

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I got a shiny gold Sacajewea dollar for the first person to kick Jeff Bennett in the ass with golf cleats. I want to see Jeff Bennett kicked so hard in the ass, that whoever pulls your foot out gets to be King of England.

Watching the game last night, before Soriano got hit I remember thinking “This guy’s pitches are about as accurate as a firehose that’s gotten away from the firemen.” It was 0% surprising to see someone get injured by that Double-A hack.

Now, 6 weeks of Micah Hoffpauir (no charge for the extra vowels) in left field. Even though it would make 1,000% more sense to just break up the Edmonds/Reed Johnson CF rotation and just put Reed Johnson in left, we know Lou won’t do that because he’s got an old-man Viagra chubby for this Hoffpauaeiouandsometimesy kid.

In fact, fuck everything that happened at Wrigley last night except Fukudome, Dempster, and Erin Andrews.

Fuck you, fairweather fans with brand new Fukudome jerseys waving “It’s Gonna Happen” signs. The only thing that’s gonna happen is me farting on your nachos.

Fuck you, Taco Bell. Two white jackasses rapping at the drive-thru is the worst commercial in 25 years. Every time it comes on I want to drop a plugged-in toaster in your CEO’s bathtub.

And a double-fisted Stan Smith style fuck you to Rick Sutcliffe for making my skin crawl every time he leered at Erin Andrews last night. We get it, she’s hot. Keep it in your pants beard-o.

Corey Patterson’s younger brother, replacing Alfonso Soriano in left field.

If I throw up a lung I hope someone in this office knows how to fix that.

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Tom Brady

Originally written Dec 13, 2007

If Tom Brady could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia of the eyes, that would be awesome.

If a biker could just fuck that into his skull, that would be great.

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